D.C. police release sketch of reflecting pool suspect. "His M.O. is consistent, and always the same--everything he touches turns to shit. We're calling him the Unibungler," a police spokesman said.

NY voters told the jars of mayonnaise we're tired of you. We want ragin cajun four alarm good trouble sauce. And the jars of mayonnaise gathered in the corporate pantry and tasted the new sauce. "It's too spicy. America won't go for that. We must dilute this. Our bland brand will win the heartland."

Name this band? I'll start... The Cartridge Family Shootie and the Blowemaway Fish

Me: I need to report a creature on the tv threatening America 911: Can you describe it? Me: It subsists off hate, cruelty and cockroach smoothies. 911: Any tattoos? Me: No, but it looks like a walking, talking botched circumcision.

The Stephen Miller Band will play Freedom 250 on 4 July. They will join a lineup of Lee Greenwood and Lee Greenwood's gardener. Miller is known for the hits Fly Like a Weasel and Race Cowboy. With the lyrics I'm a smoker, I'm a joker, I'm an asshole, I'm a Nazi, I'm a cuckold and a cruel ugly fuck.

My mute button is the Carville. When that fucking voice appears on the TV, yep push the Carville button. He's having a meltdown cuz some true southpaws won in NY. James, why don't you, Dick Morris, Gingrich & Dershowitz shuffle off to the island of irrelevant, unwanted toys and play pickle ball.

The Dumpsterfire of his Vanities. He's going through gallons of makeup, oh, let's call it the Trump foundation, to hide death's impending arrival on his short vulgarian hands.

A few days ago, I asked 25 random people to define socialism. It was shocking. It was like a pop quiz given in HS, but they'd never cracked open a book. Any book. A fucking derpapolooza of answers. Which only confirmed that this country has an epidemic of assholes, buffoons, & troglodytes.

Bill Maher: Not funny. Not smart Not a pundit. He's the definition of mediocrity. Mediocrity should be called maherdiocrity. He's that old creepy dude at the Playboy Mansion smoking a joint (edgy) with the smug leer using the same stale joke to bag a Playmate. But he goes home with Ann Coulter.

NEWS: In a stunning upset, Mamdani-backed Darializa Avila Chevalier will defeat five-term incumbent Adriano Espaillat in the NY-13 congressional primary. With victories by Lander, Valdez, and now Avila Chevalier, Mamdani went 3-for-3 with his endorsements in New York City's Democratic primaries.

Letters From the Front: The War on Algae Dear Clara Placid, shimmering waters. That has changed. Blooms of decay fill the air, like my basement apt. Vandals hiding in the trees and water. I am the sword of vengeance wrapped tightly in the fist of an angry god, and I just wanna go to Cracker Barrell.

Went grocery shopping. WTF. Somebody pissed off Poseidon. The seafood prices are insane... Crapulent Catfish $16.99/lb Simplistic Salmon $18.99/lb Mediocre Mahi Mahi $23.50/lb Half-witted Halibut $23.79/lb And Obtuse Barracuda is 24.95/lb. My days of enjoying the dumbest fruits de mer are history.

The reviews are in. "I'm lichen it. Except for the bigly words"--Eric Trump "He makes me look better every day"--Spiro Agnew "Go fuck yourself, and your couch"--Dick Cheney "He spelled potato right"--Dan Quayle "He doesn't have a pretty mouth"--Ned Beatty "He'd last 4 hours in Appalachia"--Cletus

The Manchurian Cantaloupe has successfully invaded and acquired Greenland.

FBI Director Kash Patel has added Algae Green (soul singer and member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) to the FBI's most wanted list. "The FBI has a long history of going to war against one-cell organisms. We stopped Al G. Capone, and we will stop Algae Green," said Katel.

Sealant Team Six guarding our vulnerable shores against Algae-Qeada, Algaetifa. And Algae Sharpton.

"O' great Stick God, we summon thee. In memory of our dear departed friend Cricket, we ask thy great one to unleash a lightning bolt of botox directed at you know who. Dog's speed."

I have the 4th largest collection of personalized orange golf balls in the tri-state region. The best thing about living along a golf course is living along a golf course. Green. Grassy. The worst thing about living along a golf course is living along a golf course. Lots of assholes. Mean. Assy.

I tried the Dilberito. It was Scott Adams' burrito creation of soylent green chiles and vitamins. Adams departed this mortal coil today. Spoiler: he morphed into a cruel creature. Part of Adams is still in me--my intestines have been unable to process that Dilberito.

There's just one place in this entire country that is completely safe, fully insulated from the darkness, a place to hide out, a spot undiscovered, undetected, and liberated from consequences.... The Epstein Files.

Switched on the teevee to watch this show "Personality of an Alcoholic" tonight. Wow, I suggest they re-name it--"My Grandpa Loves Cocaine" works.

Anybody hear that? I heard it, and I'm in Arizona. I think it was Don Jr. screaming "my fucking dad stole my fucking cocaine."

Is there anything in the Constitution that allows for us to take what appears to be an escaped dementia patient with an 8-ball of Adderall up his nose, out behind the barn and put him (and us) out of his misery?

This is like mainlining schadenfreude. I can't turn away. I have to watch it. It's like an angry train going 120 mph, with a 79-year-old engineer high as fuck from snorting Adderall plowing into a burning dumpster full of lies, turds, and cocaine.

Today is the 250th birthday of the United States Marine Corps. It's not an easy title to earn--Marine. To all the Devil Dogs, Leathernecks, Jarheads, and Uncle Sam's Misguided Children out there--Semper Fi.

One of our best and brightest has passed. He gave us art. He gave to Earth. He gave me great memories. I'd like to imagine he's somewhere better, the Elysian Fields, just playing ping pong with Cool Hand Luke. RIP Robert Redford. 1936-2025

We're in the Tyler Robinson discovery phase. Lots of rabbit holes, agitprop, shape-shifting, ad nauseum. The Groypers vs MAGA, and Fuentes/Kirk feud is getting traction. And as motives go, Robinson as a Groyper tracks. But I lean on my Occams Razor--just another Lost Boy.

Utah law enforcement and the FBI have few leads and are no closer to finding Charlie Kirk's killer. The first 24 hours are the most crucial time in solving any crime. But help is on the way. The FBI has notified the Uvalde Police Dept, and they will be in Utah by morning.

FFS Gavin. You start to hit your stride, take three giant leaps forward to the Oval Office. Then with this post, you take 5 steps backwards, step on your dick plus 8 rakes.

For 10 years Charlie Kirk did nothing but place more value in guns than people, while punching-down on anyone who was not a rich, white Christian male. That was his grift. Today he was murdered in one of the whitest, most conservative places on earth by a weapon he worshipped.

"These violent delights have violent ends." Shakespeare's spot-on epilogue to Charlie Kirk's life.

No video exists of trump playing golf today. The press was barred from the trump golf course. It's safe to assume trump rode around in a golf cart and did not swing a club due to his enfeebled condition. I'm going to speculate that he was 1 or 2 strokes over par.

no matter your politics it’s disrespectful to joke about someone’s death. don’t say rudy giuliani died from driving his car into a wall painted to look like a tunnel and all his clothes flew off in the crash and then a sixteen wheeler semi truck ran over his dick and balls. don’t say stuff like that

The other place James Woods will never set foot again; a movie set.

"No more of those pants hanging low, beneath the beltline," says AG Pam Bondi. "We have instituted a new city-wide dress code in D.C. to make America great again, and we believe every American will get behind this." added Bondi.

BREAKING Judge Boxwine has issued new D.C. sandwich statutes. --Assault w/hoagie--10 years --Assault w/grinder--8 --Assault w/sub--15 --Assault w/hero--20 --Assault w/finger sandwich 5 --Assaulting the Capitol to overthrow an election--a signed box of Franzia w/note--thank you patriot.

Stay salty DC 🔥

Bondi is daydreaming about napalm and D.C homeless. Patel's aluminum foil undies are wedging up. Judge Boxwine is giving Steve Bannon the side-eye to stay away from her stash.

This skirmish brings to mind an old battle between Lenny Bruce and Nancy Reagan. Bruce quipped that Nancy was the best little blow job in Hollywood. Nancy retaliated by claiming Bruce was not circumcised, so he was not Jewish.

Absolutely, godamnright Stephen Miller's fingerprints are all over the militarization of D.C. Miller is the Czar of Cruelty. Meanness, subhuman acts and evil is his oxygen. And for those just trying to exist, survive the horrors of this reign of terror, Miller has you in his crosshairs.

D.C. has a yuuge crime problem. Just the other day I saw a white supremacist, a felon, an insurrectionist, and a pedophile on the roof of the White House.

I realize Congress is in recess. However, w/trump's near decree of martial law in D.C., right now would be a great time for our strongest, most vocal Dem reps to return to D.C. and start stirring up some good trouble. Hit the streets, protest, get loud, get angry. Get going before it's too late.

That was the scariest press conference I have ever seen in my lifetime. A bone-chilling, raise your hackles reaction to a dying democracy. Project 2025 is in full operational mode.

Violent crime stats in D.C show a decrease of 20% over the past 5 years. And if the convictions of 1,600 violent insurrectionists on Jan. 6 were not included in the D.C crime stats, violent crime would be down 30%.

Here's a complaint w/Bluesky. Why in the fuckity fuck is Big Brother 27 trending every fucking day I visit. I do not believe any small majority or even a smidgen of Bluesky users are fans of Big Brother 27. So, fuck you Big Brother 27, stop trending me mad.

The master debater marches into the children's section to own some young libs.

Here's a list of great tv shows that may (or may not) have flown under your radar. 1. Patriot 2, Dark. 3. Chernobyl. 4. The Leftovers 5. True Detective (season 1) 6. Lodge 49 7. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 8. Mare of Eastown 9. Sharp Objects 10. Watchmen