I'd be 60 and she'd be telling me "You know, seniors can go to college for free."

I'd like to hear from libertarians who voted Trump thinking he would legalize weed now that he's making it even more illegal. Mostly I want them to answer the question, "Are you fucking stupid?"

Monday December 1, 2025: Ate half a "family-sized" box of Wheat Thins. Tuesday December 2, 2025: Shit so hard I threw out my back.

heck the only tariff im worried about is if my pants tariff i eat too much dang turkey!!!

My cousin is talking about the new hockey store, which is near "the" Planet Fitness by "the" Starbucks.

One of the things that sets me apart is that I love truth and hate lies.

A Christmas Story (1983)

One thing I hate about modern politicians is that they don't fly off the handle like they used to. They're still lunatics, but they used to shoot each other for eating tiramisu with the salad fork.

Becoming the most jacked off man of all time.

i’m not sure how but this is real antipolygraph.org/blog/2025/10...

I have long posited that Daniel Craig's accent in Glass Onion is better than Knives Out because in Knives Out he is trying to do a real Southern accent and is bad at it but in Glass Onion he is just talking like Foghorn Leghorn, which is something a real gay Southern weirdo would do.

At 35 years old I'm kind of glad I didn't get that full back piece of Shenron the Eternal Dragon yakuza-style.

that’s absolutely right Alex 🗣️🗣️🗣️

What Mandela universe are you from? I'm from the one where the Pringles guy was chomping on a big cigar.

For once can we have a scandal about politicians fucking people who are too OLD?

You know your friends are doing well in life when they have a 4 slice toaster.

i can't believe i never thought to do this before

ice cubes are ridiculous. like yeah lemme just get a piece of water

The heads of security at the Louvre:

Gotta get @robzacny.bsky.social to play this.

Gonna make a graph of rappers comparing their skills to their vibes and see if there's any kind of trend line.

If you have a bunch of dirty cash that you need to launder, use it to buy all of your food. Just chip away at it over time. The savings add up astonishingly quick, there's no vig, and the IRS will never get up your ass about a hot dog here or there. #LifeLessons

For Christmas, my dad opening a present containing a box of 5.56 and a note that says "you're gonna need em".

Getting off of Facebook was such a cheat code for my mental health.

God I hate being in the trades. If you are a teen, my career advice is that you should sell drugs.

First base gets a gun.

Three teenagers pushing a shopping cart with their gaming PC into Micro Center:

Starting a riot at Micro Center by loudly telling people "actually it's pronounced LIE-nux".

I'm sorry everyone but I can't keep pretending that Dragon Ball Super is good.

"I only joined the Hells Angels because I wanted some friends to go biking with. Just trust me that I never trafficked any cocaine."

Excuse me I'm so sorry I didn't realize you know ball.

I just mixed up Bob Burnquist with Ryan Nyquist I'm so fucking stupid no wonder everyone hates me.

The court finds in favor of the bees.

Playing techno music in the Giant Eagle produce section yelling at people to drop the beet. I dunno, man, I'm so tired.

One other thing I weirdly have in common with the shooter is that we love the 500kg bomb in Helldivers.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers, but I am healthy and safe. I did NOT get shot directly in the jugular, nor did I then resultantly bleed to death in Utah. You might have mixed me up with someone else.

it's funny that his name is steve job. if these iphones keep selling like hotcakes he's not even gonna need a job

The eye exam is the perfect game design. That big E is a great tutorial that teaches you the basic mechanic. But it doesn't baby you and quickly gets hard as they introduce the small and blurry enemies.

These days, the football game of what’s more and more. In order to champion — when its competition of the ballgame — America is the time for together. And that’s which of the fans. The fans of what it’s most of all. Let’s what it again: the fans of when it’s more.

"I'm not sure if I'm getting the roles I want," says the most in-demand actor in Hollywood.

One big problem with copyright law is that if someone has a brilliant idea but fucks up the execution, you can't come along and re-make their idea the right way. That's why I need YOUR support to make "Race-Inverted Star Wars" a reality.

I'm sorry but Lil Nas X getting naked and fighting three cops on Ventura only makes him cooler in my eyes.

Had a freak-out sesh in my car because I saw the bank clock flip from "11:11" to "66 F".

If I were an athlete and someone tried to bribe me to fix a game, I'd take it every single time and play my ass off anyway. What are they gonna do, call the cops on me?

If I can't surreptitiously lure a journalist into a Whole Foods and hand them a wad of cash hidden in a chip bag then walk away, how the fuck am I "supposed" to be making friends?

Worried that my youtube algorithm is fucked up after watching all of those Osmosis Jones clips.

They called it the PS3 because when you see it you turn 3 degrees and brush past it.