Trump is now 57 minutes late for his speech but at least we're getting an emo version of Hulk Hogan's theme song

Hi it’s me letting you know I’ll be in Sunnyvale all weekend!

I could sleep but I prefer to dwell and murmur and slowly decay

It’s confusing to mourn a celebrity’s dog but I don’t know the dogs age and I know Gene Hackman was 95.

Just a reminder that you can pre-order my new book JOHN CANDY: A LIFE IN COMEDY (out October 7, from House of Anansi) and that it’s written by a Canadian about a beloved Canadian, with a Foreword by another celebrated Canadian and it’s published by a 100% Canadian publisher. 🇨🇦✊🏻

Your outie understands when someone is making a joke on the internet and doesn't embarrass themselves in people's replies

Wait so if u have a job working for the government and the current assministration fires you, can you apply for unemployment or is there some Hudsucker Proxy style chute that just rockets the request right back down to the basement

I hope America is as lucky as the delta jet - everyone survives but the right wing explodes

Sick of Valentine’s Day steaming trying to gaslight me every year into believing Will Smith is the star of Hitch.

some people are book smart, some people are street smart, i'm goblin smart

“Would you like still or sparkling?” - me asking how I should look in the picture you’re taking

I hate it when somebody in a movie has a problem. Why are you giving my new friend problems?

New Yorkers: I don't care how much you (and so many of us) hate the established Democratic Party. PLEASE REGISTER AS A DEMOCRAT by this Thursday. It's the only way to vote in the mayoral and council primaries, which, as usual in NYC, is basically THE general election (in most of the city).

Do not ever correct me on here. I'm not wrong, and if I am then it's because it's fun for me

happy bday to joe pesci

My wife said Tom Brady looks like Lady Elaine from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and now that's all I see

Welp I did my first post here

Rain in LA makes my p*ssy wet.