mushrooms growing out of where your dreams decayed

I need like 6 years off work

The only crappy thing about working nights & weekends is all the homies are at work when you’re off.

Now that post-hell week is over & my weekend begins… I don’t know what to do with myself lol.

I wonder if boofing the raspberries would counteract the diarrhea…?

You either get out of the service industry early enough to be a Spongebob, or you stay in long enough to be a Squidward.

Joke's on you, parasite. Explosive diarrhea is a condition under which I THRIVE.

Me, a server: hi there, how are we doing today? Customer: DIET COKE!!! Me: awesome, I’m a ginger beer. Thanks for asking!

I saved an acrobatic spider at work. Everyone wanted to squish her, but I saw her potential.

I need to start gassing myself up like I gass up others. #thistooshallpass

Do you want some crackers with that animosity?

A customer that constant stares at my chest kissed my hand. He walked away, then asked for another. I said, “$5.” He did it again, & I don’t have $5. Currently scrubbing the skin off of the back of my hand.

Nihilism can be medicine… depending on your perspective.

A fucked up #haiku for you… My soul is chafing Parenthood thrust upon me My life is over

Putrid honey sauce on my feet

I thought I was a level 4 alligator, but really I’m a level 9 turtle.

i’m literally just on team chaos at this point

Me, a manager, giving a motivational speech to my staff before the fireworks. Victory, or Valhalla. I am ready to die for my restaurant 🫡

Saving my tears for later consumption.

After my run this morning, I had to poo, so I had to use the outhouse on the beach. It was so hot in there… I felt like I was inside of the fake rhino on Ace Ventura. The toilet paper was like tissue paper & it was so hot it kept disintegrating in my hands. 0/10; don’t recommend.

Romanticizing the idea of stabbing myself with an EpiPen to get through this shift.

What if someone’s higher purpose is just making really delicious cheesecakes?

Currently trying to make myself believe in myself.

Leave them insulted and confused about it by putting vitriolic emphasis on nonsense e.g. "clarinet balls"

You are the missing sock that got left behind at the laundromat.

No rain, no rainbow 🌈⚡️

The sun is a sociopath.

32°F is still better than 103°F. I will die on this hill.

🌅 🚶🏼‍♀️💨

We all have that one ex that just saved deserts & dunes of cigarette butts for no good reason.

Stormy beach days 🪾🌊

Not my Lake, not my Placid.

Amateurs, dude…

Me: man, running in this heat is going to be disgusting. Fiancé: you really are a masochist aren’t you? Me: yes, but I’m a positive masochist. I enjoy suffering for a greater reward.

Or resist the urge to tell the farm cult about my half-digested arugula seahorse.

Everything tastes better in a mason jar.

The world is your potato.

Makin’ movies, makin’ music, fightin’ ‘round the world! 🎵⛴️ #russellcrowe

Every time I play a sour note on my cello, my cat bites me.

I don’t think crapping out pieces of half-digested almonds is completely natural. But what do I know? Maybe I’m just evolving.

Not my wicker, not my man.

If your depression goes away on vacation, you don’t have depression… your life just sucks.

I don’t need a poop knife, I need a poop axe

Caramel dreams & schemes. *drinks deep from iced coffee*

The moonlight is giving “sharp white cheddar.”

Ancient magic & mysterious mountains.

Had a customer suggest putting his shaved prime rib sandwich in his pocket. I had a box in my hand…

Turtles probably think our naked backs are hilarious

i just did the dishes what are you even doing with your life, you piece of shit

Just sneezed in such a loud and chaotic manner that I accidentally uttered an ancient incantation and for the briefest moment I saw myself sitting on a park bench 9 years in the future and we looked directly into each other's eyes