when i retire i am going to dedicate my life to cutting those big wires that go across the ocean floor

As a musician, if you have a little guy scurrying around the stage to present your guitar to you, you have lost the plot

The wallflowers are if you combined the eagles with Springsteen [derogatory]

Just a little gossip but after reading this chain I’m happy to report we don’t have a functioning court branch

It’s my last night with my dog and I’m an absolute mess

choose your fighter

Ultimate Father’s Day 2026 gift just dropped

Between my perfect hairline and your vagina dentata, we’ll be running this place within the year

Action shot what what yer mom is doing right now

Post an iconic movie image

It’s great the two options are leave or burn everything down

My plans for the afternoon. I’m burnt to a crisp.

And Frankie will be on the IL after two starts, please sell the team John Henry

I DO NOT miss her

All the business worms pile onto Air Force One to go try to get their beaks wet while the president gets Doctor J windmill dunked on at a state dinner in the Great Hall of the People

Great grandson of an operation paperclip ‘scientist:’ what if we gave a pile of snot and wig and made it sentient and also racist

We’re still building cathedrals

My body as the last of the alcohol leaves my body at 2:28 pm after a 3,000 cal lunch and a large iced coffee

Me too field mouse, me too

Americans crave cattle raised on mt dew and whoppers and not some woke vegan gender study cows

I want those little paint-happy bastards caught and hung up by their Buster Browns.

I was saying fuck this guy in my head before the chili thing and now I want to fight him

Calling it, he won, US is over

It’s cool the south is rising again and the Democratic Party is too busy complaining about a guy with a foreign sounding name with a podcast 95% of Americans have never heard of and tossing around Rahm as a contender for Kamala’s vp DOOOOOMED WE ARE

I can’t wait to retire

Yeah, I read theory

This distills American politics and religion pretty well

It’s cool that if touch something that looks like this, you die a horribly painful and unsightly, liquifying death

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there

This might be my favorite Neil Young song but he did enough drugs that the Jawas showed up around 2:30 youtu.be/04SyevARRcc?...

Less hatervirus and more chillvirus buddies

Her: do the voice baby Me:

Ed is always a great read

Also watching in the background the Branagh / De Nero 1994 Frankenstein and boyo that had to be an incredibly unenjoyable shoot, just everyone hate-drinking in their trailers and being An Actor

Wild that this runs everything now

Who is the worst about their home town when they move far away? nyc or Boston?

I’m high and I’m going to listen to Paul Simon’s Concert in the Park and I don’t care if anyone ever sees this

[opening a bottle of mountain dew with a champagne sword] you can ivy league my nuts

This cease fire is going as well as my work week sobriety

Burger King unveiling the ‘Big Monch’ that give you diarrhea simply looking at it

Class in the US is entirely a matter of aesthetics now. Rich suburban kids are “country”. Beard Dudes who look like they love IPAs are “working class.” Teachers who make $32,000 a year but have to dress up sort of nice in JCPenney clothes are “elites“. None of these words mean anything anymore.

Commentary: Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like

The Quest for Bum Farto

This except it’s my cat and he’s talking about Cheezits

finally found something to make me laugh and it's this I've watched this like 30 times in a row

This is about my drinking, right?