PROSPERO: the hour's now come. the very minute bids thee ope thine ear MIDWESTERNERS: what about it

oh fine, a little more mr. nice guy. as a treat

hang on guys I'm shifting into Homosexual Mode real quick. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYeah sorry I have to yell when I do it or it doesnAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ok. You were saying, lads?

Woman walking alone outside got pissed when I ordered an uber for her and her dog. Didn't even thank me. It's -19 out. Male Loneliness Epidemic

You better guess that if I sense any threat I'll call nine eleven on your scary ass, no capitulation

Putin has often commented on my 52 beautiful posts while standing in parliament, as naked and lubricated as a newborn giraffe

you wont believe your eyes—The Masturbating Roach . People come from far and wide to see him "Do his thing" . Sponsored by Topgolf

As screenwriter of the Labubu movie I want to clear up some misconceptions. Yes, technically they do eat human flesh, but only necrotic tissue around wounds. Doctors use them to clean up injuries and promote positive health outcomes. Labubus are humanity’s allies, except for evil Labubus of course

There will be a full chapter on Gender Identity in my upcoming book, "The Art of War 2"

Asking to use your bathroom and firing off a dozen posts like "Straight passing people love hiding their lotion" while I'm in there for 45 minutes

We finally finished the machine that makes Sherlock Holmes a real guy last night, but a little past 1 am Sherlock got access to a fidget spinner and, pupils dilated and reflective like an alligator's, he ran away forevermore

Tanning Chatum

The word 'cigarette' implies the existence of a much larger 'cigar'

Humans were put on this earth to play Rubiks Cube and Fart and if you don't know how to do the first one i have bad news for you

Yet another of my accursed paintings has become reality #OddlySatisfying

a grinch is the offspring of a who and a sneetch. and like a mule, is genetically sterile

Dog sized lump on my dog

If I ever run into that Frankenstein’s Monster bozo, I’d say, “Fire bad? For who? Fire keep wolf at bay. Fire warm bones at night.” It’s amateur hour with this guy.

@grok You have to help me. merry Christmas

Jerry: Hey Elaine, I heard you had your big trash compactor licensing exam today. How did it go? Elaine: It went great, I totally crushed it. [LAUGH TRACK] Can anyone hear me? im lost in a maze

The two lads who make all the Bakewell tarts have announced that they'll be announcing a new one in 2026 Q2: the Marmite bakewell... Derbyshire more like Fuckshire

(barely audible from inside the cube) hey!! I'm inside the cube!!

You got to be careful.... Im going to let my demon headmate out ..... You can't handle his posts...

uhh , ok itiot, Watch this 😏 *my nose begins bleeding* thats it thats my trick

you know what they say about men with big dicks #bigdicks #men #say #saying

why cand i see this shit @grok can You help me

emerging from the mists to slap your phone out of your hand

rural people are always like, How many graveyards do you pass on your commute? I pass 5. How many 'yards do you pass? #HalloweenSpecial #Yardwatch

I'm like if a fujoshi was a man #feminism #worldsonly#malefujoshi #feminism

imagine if DRIL wrote a coffee table book. I'd buy a Coffee Table just to put it on... and then I could finally trick grandma into looking at all my favorite posts

logging the bible on goodreads. 3.5 stars

Kid’s gonna be chasing this high the rest of his life. It’ll ruin relationships. Destroy his credit. Probably turn him into an alcoholic. Dudes rock.z

you cant read auras stupid ass . you can barely read English

Yoda Latino

*very wise* an uma musumse, if you shaved her, would appear as nothing more than a simple bilby... know this fact and learn it well, my son the son: ok dad

I went to LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE AND CAME BACK TRANSGENDER BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME I SAW UP CLOSE THE SORT OF HAPPY, GENTLE PERSON I COULD BE IF I STOPPED DENYING MYSELF ALL THE THINGS I TOLD MYSELF I WASN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE, and all I got was this lousy BACHELOR'S DEGREE

[at a cookout with the boys] heh... time to enjoy a little day drinking... [pulls a flask from my inner pocket] i guess it really is 5:00 somewhere [the boys take my flask to have a drink] no wait [tiny rolled up bible pages begin falling out] NO MY SCRIPTURE

we have to stop kira... with the power of democracy. in three years we can all make sure to cast our ballots for someone who will only write tens of thousands of names instead of hundreds of thousands. this... is death vote

my 8 year old nephew asked if I had anything "more stimulating" than shrek 2 so I put on eraserhead for him and now he wants to go as the eraserhead baby for halloween. my sister gets back in an hour. he isn't allowed to watch surrealism. please help

God bless the troops and all, but shower sex is actually the fuken worst

and is the lack of intermittent metal pipe falling sound... diegetic? 10 hours

I'm here, I'm queer, and ladies... I'm pansexual

"we've been blessed" me to self: ok that's the third time, they must be super wealthy

guy in the leftist commune whose only chore is to keep everyone's duolingo streak going

"Uh, you thought 'turbulence' was a real thing?" Mr. Thistlebrush chuckled. "Sorry, fucklenuts. That's actually my ancestral demons doing battle with the giant metal bird YOU put in the sky." "I didn't—" I began to protest. "Not you personally, Jim. Christ."

death of a thousand cuts comes by a single cut. misnomer