If there is an afterlife, I bet it has some bullshit downside they don’t tell you about, like there are lots of mosquitos or the birds are too loud.

the most tragic part of being an immortal vampire is helplessly watching as all the hit ragtime ditties you wrote slowly enter the public domain

I still hold out hope that the surviving California Raisins will put aside their differences and reunite before time runs out.

If I ever run into that Frankenstein’s Monster bozo, I’d say, “Fire bad? For who? Fire keep wolf at bay. Fire warm bones at night.” It’s amateur hour with this guy.

The way I see it is simple. If you're in the presence of pretzels, you should be eating pretzels.

Congratulations to my dog Luna — a close personal friend of mine — for celebrating seven great years of eating yard waste and all manner of detritus.

It’s time we reform our draconian Found Property Laws. I’m an honest, pleasant man making a respectable income finding satchels and old coffee cans full of money that were lost in the woods, and I am drowning in bureaucratic red tape. Finders deserve to be keepers.

Thinking about getting into model trains and building a beautiful habitat for my dear sweet choo-choo babies.

Instead of wasting my time thinking about dumb, implausible scenarios like everyone else, I spend my time thinking about waking up tomorrow and becoming very rich because I found a huge bag of money in the woods

I for one am still holding out hope that the legitimate front for an insider trading racket is going to swoop in and save us

If I could give that Wolfman jerk my two cents, I’d say, “Friend, that kind of howling isn’t appropriate after 9pm when folks are trying to sleep.”

In my opinion, every single food item should have a little pocket of custard inside. For the sake of fairness, if you’re having custard by itself, there should probably be something inside it, too. Maybe a meat nugget? I’ll leave that part up to the experts.

I stand in solidarity with all others who have recently finished their treat and thus have no more treat left to enjoy.

I knew lowtax. I worked with lowtax. And you sir are definitely lowtax

Every dem senator or rep's website should look like the geocities page of a lunatic talking in all caps scrolling, flashing text about Elon. There should be a skull smoking weed GIF and dancing bart. They should be proposing arming up gangs of new york style to stop DOGE from entering offices.

I think all games should be required to have a nude mode and also a partially nude mode for those of us who do not want to be exposed to such graphic content.

If I could give that Count Dracula guy a piece of my mind, I’d say to him, “Sir, everything you did was illegal and indecent.” He needs to hear it.

I wonder how long before dog fighting gets legalized at the federal level. At this rate, probably 2-3 hours.

It's true we are headed for a recession, hyperinflation and complete economic collapse. If you want my advice, you should take all your money out and hide it in the woods where it will be safe.

I love when a screenshot is so good, you gotta take a screenshot of that screenshot.

As a writer, I would say the best kind of story would be one where a man declares his intentions to buy a fish, then succeeds. The type of fish and the man’s reasons are left to the imagination, but the subtext is clear: halibut, friendship.

For every meal, I eat a handsome trout that I caught in a pristine lake, pond, or stream and I have never once fallen victim to an online scam.

I think the main reason to have kids is so you can participate in a murderous, multigenerational blood feud with a rival family. Beyond that I don’t see the point.

David Lynch was one of my favorite guys of all time and it's one of history's great injustices that he wasn't constantly handed huge sacks of money to direct whatever weird shit he wanted.

It does matter which ear you put each earbud in, but only if you’re a perfectionist. You can also just use tape to keep them from falling out. It’s all fine.

If I was shrunk to HO scale, my first priority would be to visit Rod Stewart’s beloved model railway. I don’t know what I would do after that and would probably be in a pretty dark place psychologically.

Thank heavens there is no such thing as Bug Court, because that's where bugs can sue us for the crimes we commit against them and the judge is a spider.

If an airport also includes a train for me to ride, I instantly respect that airport more. But if an airport had a boat for me to ride, then I would say, "No, that's too much."

Looking forward to a traditional British Thanksgiving dinner of Turkey fingers, pickled Chamberlains, millers' soot, fried hef, figgy crackle with an austere scoop of beans on top, and uncle's pudding. Washing it all down with a nice tall pint of freshly squeezed beige juice.

The power is out here but I still remember how to peel oranges the old fashioned way.

if you are in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life

in the early 2000s a web forum created a brand new income stream: letting users pay to change someone else’s avatar. sharks, i’m asking you for $10,000,000 to start Namely, the website where you can rename a stranger’s dog

Chopping down some beautiful 50-year-old pines so that I can get a better view of the neighborhood fireworks tomorrow.

Statistically speaking, there is a fifty percent chance that one out of every one hundred thousand leaves on the ground is actually a crisp five dollar bill. Looking for lost money in the woods is not some eccentric hobby— it’s smart business.

I’m gonna need more than one day off if I’m going to get any worthwhile memorializing done.

Every single ventriloquist needs to get their stupid puppets under control. The garbage those little goblins are spewing is inappropriate and out of line.

It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to work on garbage eve (the day I put my bins out) and garbage day (the day my bins get collected).

If you’re going to give your dog peanut butter, all the better to lead them to it with a Trail of Treats™. I invented the idea, own the patent and forbid all others from doing this.

When people say that something was “built from the ground up,” it’s because they are too cowardly to admit that gravity got the better of them.

Whenever you try to catch a bug with your bare hands and it flies through the cracks of your fingers, you’re treating that bug to a thrilling cinematic experience.

Kindest Regards