*extreme Joey Ramone voice* The TSA took my Pepsi away They took it away, away from me

Anyone know how to buy some years back? Do you have to buy them singly or can you buy them in a package. I need to buy 15-20 years . . . more if they're not too expensive.

travel pillow ✔️ snacks ✔️ clean socks ✔️ brightly coloured gonch ✔️ orange cat ✔️ LET'S GET TO THE AIRPORT

summer just started but my sock tan is in mid-season form

The best people make you forget all the things you're trying to forget.

*wakes up with sore back* Me: This new update is crashing my system! Why do we have to get so many updates?!

The Oregon Coast is magical.

[Philosophy class] Professor: the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference Me: whatever Professor: Me: Professor: Me: should I leave now? Professor: it doesn't matter to me Me: well played

I can't believe I used to think that people my age were adults.

are you really still mad I asked the minister to say till death do us fart when we got married?

If you like the smell of truck stop bathrooms, you're gonna LOVE marriage!

If beauty truly lies in the eye of the beholder then a lot of you folks need glasses.

my wife got me this cute little plant as a gift and I appreciated her confidence that I would be able to keep it alive until I noticed that it's plastic

anybody can breakdance if you tase them hard enough

The hardest part of this new diet is where to hide all the bodies.

hitting every green light on your way home call that wait loss

The lion does not concern himself with gas station bathroom etiquette

Get your strange away from my mysterious

I'm sorry I yelled THE BEACONS ARE LIT GONDOR CALLS FOR AID when you took your bra off

[on my deathbed] everyone's in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

have kids so they can study sociology in college and then come home and tell you all the things that you did wrong

Me: I no longer wish to be contacted, can you please take me off your call list? Wife: stop answering the phone like that when I call you

after my daughter came home from studying abroad she talked frequently about the wonderful and exotic foods she ate. She didn't know that I could see all of the visits she made to McDonald's on her credit card bill

I feel like whoever thought the Philadelphia baseball team name should be the Phillies just sort of phoned it in

Terrifying if literal: Living room furniture