I dont particularly like my writing but I'm proud of this piece. Was going to use this as the first entry for my relaunched newsletter but had a chance to get it in Wired and I took it. www.wired.com/story/how-a-...

Just referred to someone as “a trilby-dicked loser” and honestly, it’s the first time in awhile I’ve felt so alive.

Do y’all know about my friend @slackmistress.bsky.social’s book, The Crone Zone? It’s out now! And it’s 100% Cosmo-approved. amzn.to/46akvT4

Anyway newrepublic.com/article/1894...

The global war on terror set legal precedent for torture, abduction and assassination of those deemed terrorists.

I was prepared for the Nazis to be terrible, but I wasn’t expecting them to be straight-up *dorks.*

“Artists, writers and musicians should go on strike until Kimmel is back!” Hey you know how you love making grocery lists with ChatGPT and ask it decorate your house? It ate all our money and jobs so we don’t actually have anything to strike on.

I hope that everyone is having the day they deserve! 💙💙💙

if i had the opportunity to ask a question of anyone in the administration, given this "war in chicago" messaging, i would ask them how many americans the president intends to kill in his war

If you’re around Elliott Bay Book Co maybe I hid some stickers in the book I recently illustrated that came out today.

It’s here! @slackmistress.bsky.social book The Crone Zone is out now. Cosmo-approved.

This is worth twelve satires.

I just started @slackmistress.bsky.social ‘s The Crone Zone and I love it. Highly recommend. Bought it on a whim and do not regret. Favorite quote so far: “It’s like a Voltron of caretaking expectations.”

The announcement is just gonna be “it’s illegal now to say I’m dead”

Also if you do author events for a Chicago-area bookseller please holler at me or Nina, I get the sense she’s having a hard time getting event support from her publisher just because they laid off all their junior marketing and publicity staff

The Crone Zone by @slackmistress.bsky.social (with illustrations by @pamwishbow.bsky.social) is out in the world today! Perfect for all the aspiring bog witches, swamp hags, and Baba Yagas in your life (and anyone trying to age under patriarchy). Featuring every crone pun I could think of

Foreward Reviews calls The Crone Zone "a celebratory self-help guide about the wisdom, freedom, and fun of old age." A NetGalley Reviewer calls it riddled with f-bombs. Both are true! Available for preorder now or everywhere on TUESDAY! bookshop.org/p/books/the-...

@slackmistress.bsky.social remains one of the funniest and smartest people on the internet. If you're living outside America, you can get THE CRONE ZONE through Blackwell's.

I was looking for the link to my book for preorders (THE CRONE ZONE! September 2!) and came across a early review (???) that complained about the liberal use of “fuck.” MY MOM WILL BE SO PROUD! @quirkbooks.bsky.social

While you were on Bluesky, I was studying the blade.

I was a teenager in the early aughts, and it felt out-of-step with so much mainstream opinion to speak out against war. What is happening now is cruel and sad and wrong, and you don't have to let anyone make you feel bad for thinking and saying so.

🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛🐦‍⬛

Nothing says I’m dating a journalist than calling your partner and he answers “can’t talk, we’re bombing Iran.”

The US carried out airstrikes on 3 sites in Iran, Trump announced Saturday night. Updating story @taskandpurpose.com taskandpurpose.com/news/trump-i...

As faith leaders have a crowd take a knee and pray outside the federal building, DHS officers raise their weapons at priests and National Guard members lineup with riot shields against them tonight in downtown L.A.

Attention witches, bitches, and everyone in-between! Today (4/23) through Friday (4/25) Barnes & Noble is running a 25% off sale for all B&N Premium & Rewards Members...which you can use to PREORDER The Crone Zone! Use coupon code PREORDER25 at the link: www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-crone-...

Also shout out to my editor @jesszimmerman.com and @pamwishbow.bsky.social who did the amazing cover art!

Cover reveal for THE CRONE ZONE: HOW TO GET OLDER WITH STYLE, NERVE, AND A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC! If someone has ever told you you’re going to die alone with 13 cats and you think “that sounds amazing!” this book is for you. Preorder now! www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/789601...

Wake up, new unattainable beauty standard dropped.

Every so often, my mom likes to drop some random breadcrumb of family history. But today was at a full biscuit. A 🧵 (1 of ?)

Not exaggerating when I say I would like a personal, handwritten apology from every pundit who barfed out a dozen "the left wants to change the way you talk!" op-eds based on non-mandatory guidelines in obscure PDFs.

Folks who look for meaning in the way Cheeto Mussolini blinks but completely miss any symbolism in Kendrick’s halftime show… 🤔🧐🤔

Don’t wanna brag but I’ve been in a state of despair since before Elon was Presidork.

People who do this are either a narc or truly dumb or are resistance grifters looking for social media asspats. KNOCK IT OFF.

On Twitter I’ve seen more than a few #votebluenomatterwho!!! folks posting about how much they’re against the ICE raids by referencing undocumented folks they know using their name and location. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Still writing 2024 on my cries for help!

My fifth night at college I took two hits of acid and spent the entire night desperately trying not to fall out of my bed. We’re talking Rose from Titanic perched on a door in the vast ocean, holding on for dear life. Sweating, terrified, certain that if I let go and fell, I would die.

YOU HAVE BEEN VISITED BY THE HOLIDAY GOODNESS GOBLIN

You: enjoying a cozy Christmas morning by the tree Me: At Walgreens in my pjs picking up sugar free Red Bull for my mom.

I AM AN OLD BUT I AM A COOL OLD

Ron Swanson, my shithead formerly feral tomcat from the mean streets of Van Nuys, normally watches me feed wildlife from his perch inside. Today he decided to dart outside to check all the feeders like he’s some middle manager giving me a performance review. 🙄

Someone recognized me from the notable alumni section of a book published about my high school’s history where I refer to myself as a “two-time Emmy loser.”

Someone asked what my retirement plan was and I responded “a lottery ticket or a bullet” and anyway that’s why I’m not allowed out in the suburbs anymore.

Of course this motherfucker had Batman v Superman

The historic day when all the nation’s gay men and straight women cried out in unison: I can fix him

Finally saw my first MAGA shirt in the wild. On the back it read “NEVER SURRENDER!” Never surrender to what? Basic human decency? I already believe you.

Who wants in on my Goth Golden Girls Crone Coven? www.zillow.com/homedetails/...

If you wanna know how this Thanksgiving is going, my high school aged nephew just roasted me for my squat numbers. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Ah yes, the “Fuck your Feelings, Snowflake” party.

Me: I bet the AI TV Writerbot has all my episodes of Lizzie McGuire. AI TV Writerbot: