(watching the first Downton Abbey movie with @muellershewrote.com) Her: They made three movies? Good for Jessie Pillows! Me: “You mean JULIAN FELLOWS?” ☠️

@muellershewrote.com: I should buy some booze so when it happens, we are ready. It could be any minute. Maybe buying booze will prompt it to happen… Me: …like going to the bathroom at a slow restaurant to get your food delivered faster? Her: YES.

My wife has just informed me that Gen Z uses the phrase “freaked out” to mean “horny.” I’m all for linguistic evolution; I enjoy it, in fact. But that deviates too far to make sense. I won’t have it. Get off my lawn.

Picture it: it's 1996. The internet is a mere fetus by comparison. It's Friday afternoon. You don't have a pager or a cell phone. You have a removable car stereo face and a Club security device. Email is mostly accessed at work. Texts don't exist. Nobody knows where you are. Life is good.

I can't believe you told everyone about our NUDIE LANGUAGE. @muellershewrote.com GOATS GOATS GOATS. LIVE NUDE GOATS. 24 HOUR GOATS. 😉 As if I care. It's taken my poor wife like, a decade to decipher us.

Good morning. What fresh hell awaits me?

This delighted me. 😄 @muellershewrote.com @dgcomedy.bsky.social

What? I’ve been more pressured to eat more protein than I have ever been to do hard drugs.

I can’t look at one more awful headline in this feed. Palate cleanser.

Charlie Sheen appears on the pod this Sunday, January 18th. Be sure to listen to this very special episode, "The Sheens".🫶

Morning. 👋🏻

I say this with all seriousness: why do we need a subscription for leggings? How many asses do we have that we need a subscription for pants?

Stood in line for 35 minutes at CVS. The line moved so slowly, it felt like the Afterlife Waiting Room in Beetlejuice.

This was a punch in the gut. I’m so sorry we lost this curious soul.

NEW VIDEO FOOTAGE: This appears to come from murderer Jonathan Ross’ body cam or cell phone. You can clearly see Renee Good turn her steering wheel to avoid him, and after he shoots her in the face, you hear him say “Fucking bitch.” www.instagram.com/reel/DTTNCQr...

Okay, I know I said what I said, but that body cam footage. He shot her in the face and then said "fuckin' bitch". I can't.

My friend recently fell on her ass, but did not, in fact, bust it. I asked what the prognosis is and she said, “It’ll suck until it doesn’t.” Ladies & gentleman, I bring you every ache-related doctors appointment after 40.

I would really like to implore @bsky.app to offer #private profiles. Things are absolutely BATSHIT now & sadly, social media can be weaponized against us. "Discouraging other sites from showing our content" isn't enough. So until such time, I won't be able to speak as much about politics here.

Forensic analysis of objective video evidence. This is how you serve readers searching for clarity.

Watching @gavinnewsom.bsky.social’s last State Address. The live comments on YT: “make it easier to get solar!” Bro, look, I am so down for solar panels, but democracy is crumbling and a citizen was shot in the face.

She’s a piece of shit. I hope she gets crabs forever.

I am outraged. Just utterly outraged. And scared. This was a woman the same age as my wife. In the car with her wife and their dog, I hear? This is hits so close. This is any of us. This is all of us.

BlueSky keeps taking it down, but it's available on YouTube. It's horrible, it's very rough to watch, but FUCK ICE. There's blood in the snow. It's so bad. www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9CJ...

Couldn’t be more proud of @muellershewrote.com @dgcomedy.bsky.social @mswmedia.com & everyone on the Beans team and in the leguminati. So exciting! 🎉

Catching up on Good Hang; I'm watching the Julia Louis-Dreyfus one and they are killing. This clip cracked me up. youtube.com/clip/UgkxLjd...

Well. I nearly just died by swallowing my beverage “wrong”, choking until I turned blue because I tried to tell my wife “bless you” before I’d finished swallowing. Classic. My epitaph could be like, “Here lies Joelle. She never really did like swallowing.”

I confused "bug up my ass" and " bee in my bonnet" and said "bee in my ass". None of those things sound good, but my wife said, "I've never heard of 'bug up my ass', that's not a real thing." Internet, what says you?

Watching Steel Magnolias; this line always gets me. Bless ‘em. They’ll get married and a few years later, DVD players will debut. It’s like getting married in 2006 for a flip phone.

I don’t always love remakes, but this one is underrated, I think. The repartee between Colman and Cumberbatch is sharp and fabulous.

Our coast’s balls dropped. Happy New Year. 🎉

We are watching Wicked: For Good and, I just don’t like it. The first one was so fun, but this second one feels like a 3 hour AI photo trying to sell me cosplay dresses.

I am so tired. Of billionaires. Of 🍊. Of *gestures everywhere* 2025, don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. I’m spent.

Every year I make a “cheese drawer mac n’ cheese” with all the bits and bobs from holiday cheese boards I’ve got left in the drawer. This year’s offerings: herb Boursin, sharp aged Irish cheddar, pepper jack, a purple Merlot bellavitano, Gruyère, lil fresh mozz, and a single slice of Swiss. Glory!🧀

If you haven’t caught the portrait of Temple Grandin by David Lenz in the National Portrait Gallery, it’s absolutely gorgeous. My brain struggles to wrap my brain around the fact it’s not a photograph. The light is just… *chef kiss*

My bestie is so pretty. And her Santa is possessed.

Dear Internet. I love you, mostly. Merry Christmas. 🥃

Me, watching A Christmas Eve on Sesame Street with @muellershewrote.com: “What kind of bird IS Big Bird?” Her: “He’s part homing pigeon.” Me: “PART?” Her: “You asked!”

Waiting for Santa. 🎅🏽😍 It’s Cosmo’s first true Christmas; he just turned a year old on the 20th.

People who love wrapping Christmas presents, who are you and why are you lying?

I’ve been counting and I get four promotional emails a day from Total Wine. Per. Day. That seems… irresponsible. Are you trying to make me an alcoholic? Calm down.

BREAKING: WATCH the full 60 Minutes CECOT segment here. This was sent to me anonymously. It appears to be the segment CBS' Bari Weiss killed. www.muellershewrote.com/p/watch-the-...

My wife leaned over to kiss me and Cosmo, my Velcro puppy, jumped onto the back of the couch and put his literal butthole on my forehead. Just keeping it spicy. 😂

NEW: They filed a report about Epstein with the FBI 30 years ago. No one believed them, but now the report has been RELEASED. Are there additional reports mentioning Trump that are missing? I speak with survivor Annie Farmer TODAY at NOON PT on @meidastouch.com: www.youtube.com/live/IToZ_0r...

I’m out experiencing culture in San Diego with my wife this evening.

When Happiest Season came out the first time, I was all hopped up on gay tropes in movies and decided not to like it. But I've changed my tune. I've watched it a few times now and I've decided there are so few holiday movies with gay rep, I decided to look past the trope. Plus, the cast is amazing.

Watching the Rob Reiner ABC special. He had such a wonderful career. I’m still so sad about this; it’s incredibly tragic.

In the last 48 hours, 162 of you have raised $10K to match Allison Gill’s $20K gift—money she’s giving from her Veteran's disability benefits to support LGBTQ+ youth under attack from harmful legislation. Let's keep it going. itgetsbetter.org/dailybeansdo... @dailybeanspod.com @muellershewrote.com

Day Drinking is my favorite series from Seth Meyers. Paul Rudd's episode was the best (THE BEST), but Sabrina Carpenter's is killing me. I love contagious laughter.

I didn’t watch this last night, so I needed context. Why is he yelling at us? TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE! He’s so embarrassing.

Sitting in a hipster coffee shop while my wife’s car is being serviced. I’m sipping a palo santo honey latte and listening to a trio of Gen-Xers debating the appropriate temperature at which to brew matcha. It’s 1997.