No bless yous for Giacomo is my absolute favorite

i vetted this to make sure it wasn’t ai so you could enjoy it fully

The trifecta.

miette

this one kills me

I've posted it several times before, but the hardest I have personally laughed at a tweet.

lying about it happening on april fool's day: mean-spirited, hurtful, not funny at all it actually happening on april fool's day: possibly the funniest thing of all time

I have concerns about the Cubs' pitching!

my thoughts about what should happen to the 8 justices who refused to protect kids from conversion therapy:

My "We don't allow bets on assassinations and murder" ad campaign has people asking a lot of questions already answered by the ad campaign

operator: 911, please state the nature of your emergency me: there’s a site i go to a lot that isn’t the best way to follow breaking news operator: is it a news site me: not really operator: why don’t you go to a news site me: i don’t know operator: jesus. ok. how many ambulances do you want me: 75

more like iowa cock-us-es, right?

It's pretty lucky that all my buddies are smart, funny, hot, and deserve permanent academic jobs, while all the people I don't like are dumb, dull, ugly, and should leave the discipline. Might not have lined up that way, but it did, blessed 🙏🙏

BASEBALLLLLLL

Dentists love to make your gums bleed then be like "look what you did"

THIS IS VERY GOOD NEWS

TWO MORE SLEEPS TIL BASEBALL

it is absolutely true that women are hotter in their 30s than their 20s. i'm confident, established in my career, thriving as a mom. i'm definitely sexier now, especially on days when i have the time to shower

hey does anyone want to come over and toilet train my daughter?

she straiten my hormuz til i oil

(youth pastor voice) do you know who else had a "pod" of friends to whom he liked to "cast" his ideas?

how we didnt arrest that guy after releasing "hey, soul sister" i'll never know

*to the tune of buffalo soldier* chocolate chip pancake

lmao i was cookin here

Hot Priest is my Roman Empire

Alas, poor Yorick; vaxxed?

my kingdom for a word processing platform for synchronous editing that is not google docs or microsoft word online

as the person who was first in a group of friends to have kids, it's delightful to watch my friends successively discover what parenthood is all about (doing laundry)

the thing is, I can crush doing a single load of laundry. washed, dried, folded, put away, BAM! but i have to do like 4-6 loads every week and i simply do not care for laundry quite that much

breaking news:

NIST Standard Reference toddler temper tantrum

NIST Standard Reference toddler temper tantrum

NIST Reference fart

playing tetris every night to prevent getting ptsd from putting my children down for bed

I hate toilet training a child!!!!!

wow what a time to be alive (derogatory)

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a child in possession of a snotty face, must be in want of a mother's shirt.

thinking about It not the steven king one, the other It that we all keep thinking about happening

look, i just think [REDACTED]

sisyphus but he's a mom doing laundry

jimmy smits, our national dad

they should invent a child who already knows how to use the potty

chat, i'm not an expert in international relations, is war with iran a good thing?

chat, i'm not an expert in international relations, is war with iran a good thing?

jimmy smits, our national dad

they should invent a child who already knows how to use the potty