Schrödinger should never have been allowed to have a cat

To the parents who left their child in the park overnight: 1. He’s fine 2. He ate a weeks supply of Deep Fried Mayo Cubs (we’ll bill you) 3. Was he always missing a finger?

Time for the Dungeon.

At a birthday party at the roller rink bout to show these kids up…

Pirate who visits the future from the past: Argh, show me our legacy. Me: This is called a mini-golf course…

Mad Max; Furry Road. The Teen Wolf crossover we need.

Sometimes I forget Northern California exists. They’re just up there minding their own business, not making a sound.

Remember remember the 5th of November, the bubble bubble toil and trouble.

Is the corporate name Taco Bells?

in 40 years you’ll have a doctor named tyler tell you you’re cooked

Is there a baseball game on or something?

Halloween over so back to trick AND treating.

Tom & Jerry…and our friend Steve.

My primary care physician is now Dr. Pepper

Today our employees are dressing up as people who care. Enjoy it while it lasts.

What are you dressing as for Halloween? Me: someone who wears sweatpants to work and leaves early.

Get someone who looks at you like Tom Nook looks at your Nook Miles balance.

John Lennon: Imagine all the people… Me: That’s too many people John. I can’t possibly imagine that.

Knocking on wood Wood: Can I help you?

Elderly Specific Weed Shop Names: Grams for Grams Joint Support Golden Grams 420mg

How do I filter out all the doom and gloom? This is supposed to be a fun, relaxing feed.

Vantage by Stonemaier Games

A saw trap but it’s a work meeting, in person, with eye contact.

An animated sequel that turns into a horror movie: The Brave Little Toaster 2: The Pool Party

Coroner: Cause of death

Know your vowels Juggala Juggale Juggall Juggalo Juggalu

I don’t know what happened to my algorithm but I want to smash my phone with a hammer.

them: so you'll be goin ‘round the mountain when you go? her: i'll be goin ‘round the mountain when i go them: let me just clarify- you'll be goin ‘round the mountain when- her: i don't have time for this, just call the other town and tell them

I don’t know how to share TikTok’s on here so: A man tries to climb up a slippery slide and falls down and hits his head. The song “I get knocked down” by Chumbawamba plays in the background.

Can’t wait to show you my Halloween costume I borrowed from the Louvre today!

Cat throws up in my ear in the middle of the night. Me on LinkedIn later that day: Hey hustlers! Here’s how I turned cat vomit into B2B leads!

Me interviewing at a nuclear waste plant: And how much does it pay? Interviewer: oh, we pay in exposure. Me: …

I won’t tell you my age but I am constantly leaving my phone flashlight on in my pocket.

Me putting the tattoo gun in my mouth: And this is edible ink?

To the “No Kings” protestors outside the park, our mascot King Wonder is a fictional mascot. He’s just a 17 year old dude in a costume making $7.25/hr. Chill.

Protestors: NO KINGS! Burger King: 👀

Staying hydrated is just a myth made by big urinal to make you pee more.

There’s a fertility joke in here somewhere…

The sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire sure took some creative liberties. “Mrs. Doubtfire tangles with her arch nemesis Mr. Trustwater when he kidnaps the children and hides them in his abandoned water park horror house”

“You’ll be in my heart” Doctor: Cause of death, trying to shove a body into his own heart.

BATMAN’S THERAPIST: Tell me about your father. BATMAN: When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city. To see a marching band BATMAN: Then, he asked me a strange question about my future BATMAN: Then we caught a movie

Mash up bands: Boyz 2 Bare Naked Ladies

Observe

Photos from work today

What do you call a discount pediatrician? Pedialyte.

George Bernard Shaw’s version of “Back Dat Ass Up” is so much better than it should be.

Odysseus; A Series of Unfortunate Events

Gross if literal: Getting your shit together