Chiropractor’s office is opening up inside the gift shop of The Backbreaker Rollercoaster

Mr. Schmodes Wild Ride is currently closed for reasons we legally cannot express.

Please do not eat the decorative funnel cakes.

To the “No Kings” protestors outside the park, our mascot King Wonder is a fictional mascot. He’s just a 17 year old dude in a costume making $7.25/hr. Chill.

Look, we didn’t know they were going to use weapons grade lasers.

Due to technical issues the Laser Tag Area is now the Tag Arena.

crud

When the number of rides broken down exceeds 50% in a day we bust out the Apology Parade (unless that’s part of the 50%, then we bust out the Apology Deep Fried Mayo Cubes)

The buffet and bathroom lines are consistently the longest in the park. Not sure how to fix.

We will be open on Halloween and handing out candy. And by handing out we mean we’re going to throw it at you as you zip by on the rollercoaster. Whatever you catch in your mouth you can keep.

Don’t be the reason we have to make an announcement over the park speakers.

Concert on the Main Street Stage brought to you by Ozempic located next to the Main Street Fountain brought to you by Surge.

Wanna see some crazy shit? Come wander the park during a full moon.

Have you signed up for our Wonder Card yet? It entitles you to such perks as: • 1st in line(for the bathrooms) • Extra mayo cube each order • Meet & Greet with Hush-Hush(wouldn’t recommend) • Speed dating with our single team members • And more! (ish) Get yours at the Guest Info Desk today!

Guess you gotta start with inappropriate emails before moving on to writing Shakespeare…

Somehow the BDSM Monkeys logged into our email system and started sending threatening emails to all our guests. If you got one please ignore.

WTF is wrong with you people?! It’s the Break Dancing Silly Monkeys Show (BDSM). Y’all should be ashamed. This is a FAMILY park.

The BDSM Show is canceled until someone returns the sack of bananas they stole from backstage.

We hate to spread gossip but Greeneville Zoo sends us all their untamable feral monkeys for our Wonder Park Circus Show.

Anyone planning to come today or can we take the day off?

Ok we think Hush-Hush is done. He just set the phone down and walked out silently.

lost. found. lost again

don’t ride seat 7

screams taste different in the rain

i counted 12 there should be 13

wrong child

behind you

The cotton candy man knows too much

Oh, doesn’t look like he’s giving us a choice. Buckle up.

So… Hush-Hush has asked to run our socials today and we’re not sure what to do.

To the person who lost their emotional support dog near the food court. He’s ours now, he’s too cute and he’s a good boy.

Kids keep telling our ride operators they’re cooked and we don’t know what that means.

Only .1% of marriage proposals happen at Wonder Park, meanwhile over 55% of divorces begin at Wonder Park.

Listen our Buy One Get One Free promotion does not specify that it’s of the same thing. Read the fine print Karl and stop threatening our staff.

No, we won’t issue a refund because you got wet on the log flume.

We’re filming a new commercial today so if you don’t want to be in it, stay out of the bathrooms.

Now introducing Chocolate Covered Deep Fried Mayo Cubes! For when you want some dessert after downing some Deep Fried Mayo Cubes.

Where is everyone? We thought the line to “The Rapture” coaster was going to be packed today.

Crap. Hush-Hush spotted. Well technically people are hearing it, but haven’t seen it…yet.

From Google: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Truly the Disneyland of disappointment. I’ll be back every year. Uh, thank you?

👀

After last nights incident, the Fantasy Carousel will henceforth be called the “Little Timmy Memorial Carousel”

“Penetrate the depths of… THE SPHINCTER!”

"Let The Sphincter Spit YOU Out!"

Don’t worry, we’re keeping the name. We just need a slogan for it now.

We let the public vote on the name of our new rollercoaster and “The Sphincter” won with an alarming majority.

The Carousel will be running backwards for the foreseeable future. It will also no longer stop so please enter and exit with caution.

All of our employees are working from home today so just help yourself or whatever.

Unfortunately we did not get the Emmy for best amusement park.

We don’t allow food on our rides but if you can down a whole bowl of chili while on The Discombobulator we will give you a prize.