Looks like the countries that are performing at Eurovision are protesting anyway by sending their worst options

Fine, I'll be Prime Minister. The first thing I'm doing is banning all cars that are too big for the average parking space. Then I'll step down and you can take over. What are you doing first?

Did you know that the point of a general election is to elect the people who will spend the next parliament calling for the Prime Minister to resign?

Just to clarify: Keir = the Prime Minister Kier = a construction firm Kia = a car brand Kia-Ora = a brand of soft drinks Rita Ora = a pop star Sorry I've lost my train of thought. What was the question?

Labour MPs calling for an orderly transition but unfortunately their government needs to be at least 18 years old with four doctors to sign off first

So, you mean NBC is remaking Lingo? www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

If you've only taken an interest in British politics over the last six years, you may be surprised to learn that 'defending your position from your own MPs' is not actually part of the job description of the Prime Minister

TL:DR we still think Reform voters will vote for us

Was doing the Guardian crossword (apologies: spoilers) and had never heard of an alewife so I looked it up and Wikipedia tells me it's an anadromous species of herring and one of the typical north American shads so I think that's cleared that up

RESULT: The Sheriff of Nottingham (Reform UK) elected to Nottinghamshire County Council

All of the predictions of Brexit are coming true. Our economy is smaller, it's harder to import and export, and secessionist parties winning in the devolved nations means the break-up of the UK is more likely. It couldn't have been clearer if a time-traveller from the future came back to warn us

The pathetic reality is that Keir Starmer is still the second best Prime Minister in my lifetime so let's maintain perspective, yeah?

RESULT: The Sheriff of Nottingham (Reform UK) elected to Nottinghamshire County Council

There's a grim irony in a ward named after one of Britain's most loved writers, one who campaigned for better education and social reform for the poor, electing an establishment party set up as a private company to make the rich richer. Scrooge would be proud

I know today's going to be a crap news day but I'm relishing looking forward to seeing how many of these new Reform UK councillors resign over the next year when they realise how much work they actually have to do

I've left this late as I had other things on, but I've added Reform to Don't Forget, highlighting the racist, corrupt, fascist, hypocritical, misogynistic, grifting bastards they are.

It probably would be quite a good strategy to arrange for people to throw milkshakes at you so journalists ask you questions about that rather than not declaring gifts from crypto billionaires and not paying stamp duty on houses etc

This is what you're getting by voting Reform UK: lying, cheating, hating on minorities, cutting services, putting up taxes, accepting bribes, selling our national secrets, making money for the rich and taking it from the poor, even stifling free speech. Things are bad but they could be a lot worse

Citizens of East Yorkshire, it's that time of the month again when I try to sell you the concept of laughing in the upstairs room of a pub (if you can possibly conceive of such a thing). Really excited about the variety on this line-up. Tickets are FREE here: www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/1987044878...

Look, if we crash land, I'll be concentrating on getting out of the plane quickly. I don't have time to do the Macarena on the way down

I'm currently in Valencia and think it'd be a good idea if we could wear our Duolingo scores as a badge so the shop assistants can see I'm willing to try speaking Spanish but only have a score of 20

When you see the relentless attacks from other parties on the Greens across the media remember this: They hate our plan to end Rip Off Britain. They don't want a wealth tax. They don't want public ownership & lower bills. They're trying everything in their power to stop us.

The downtime between Ed Balls Day and Star Wars Day seems to go quicker every year #MayThe4thBeWithYou

Me singing Natalie Imbruglia's Beauty on the Fire: ...could I be lost forever? *turns TV on* Snooker commentator: Yes, absolutely Me: Cool. Thanks for your vote of confidence

When people say "seize the day", they never specify which one and I think my problem is that I keep seizing a week last Tuesday and all my references are constantly out of date

When people say "seize the day", they never specify which one and I think my problem is that I keep seizing a week last Tuesday and all my references are constantly out of date

If my vibes were made into an album, the cover would be this

Nothing to see here... Just a compilation I threw together encapsulating the 50 years of neverending misery for Gail Platt on Coronation Street, with a bit of Bonnie Tyler to soften the blow. Enjoy!

"Bluesky will never be Twitter." Then how come I look at it every morning and it makes me sad, hmm? Explain that.

Citizens of East Yorkshire, it's that time of the month again when I try to sell you the concept of laughing in the upstairs room of a pub (if you can possibly conceive of such a thing). Really excited about the variety on this line-up. Tickets are FREE here: www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/1987044878...

Guys, look at this flag! To all you other flags, you're on notice. Up your game!

Since getting diagnosed with ADHD two years ago, I've been trying to understand the masking process and working out how and when I can unmask. I'm also wondering if I can stop masking as a 41-year old because I swear the real me is younger, regardless of what my birth certificate says

Tell me something I don't know... no really: I have ADHD so every time you tell me something I already know, it literally burns

BP profits more than double but, sure, it's the tax on fuel that's too expensive

My favourite bit of Interior Design Masters is when Alan announces who the famous guest judge is and the contestants all look excited and us at home say 'who?'

Colleague: James, can you have jam? Me, a vegan: Yeah Colleague: Do you want a jam doughnut? Me: No thank you Colleague: Why? Me: Cos I can't have doughnuts

I love @anonopin.bsky.social but maybe another idea could be Anon Advice, where people can drop their wackiest tidbits of advice and life hacks without any context as to how they ever discovered them? I'm not techy but @robmanuel.b3ta.com is free to have this idea if it's any good/not bindun

'Owl' is spelt with an o and pronounced with an a. 'Awl' is spelt with an a and pronounced with an o. And this is how I learnt you can't buy birds of prey in B&Q

when I’m having dinner with someone and find myself offhandedly referring to the portion of rice rising from the sea of curry sauce as a riceberg

Spent the day at RHS Harlow Carr in Harrogate and it struck me that walking around a public garden and exiting through the garden centre/gift shop is basically the same experience as walking round the room sets in an IKEA and exiting through the warehouse where you pick stuff up

Me: *to myself while working and listening to music* Have I done that? Alexa: *wakes up like she's heard her name* Me: No Alexa: *blue light stays on* Me: What are you doing? Alexa: I'm streaming music over a Bluetooth connection Me: You're not though. You're being nosey

National anthem of Germany: Isn't Germany great? NA of Canada: Isn't Canada great? NA of Australia: Isn't Australia great? NA of France: We will kill you all! NA of the USA: Isn't our flag pretty? NA of the UK: I hope a mythical being looks after our unelected leader

Why does Kezia Dugdale sound like the name of two Pokemon?

New slogans for local elections Reform UK: We'll make you poorer to make us richer Labour: Keeping everyone happy by disappointing everyone equally Conservatives: Already out of ideas three leaders ago Lib Dems: No, we're not sure either Greens: Sensible ideas that the rich will tell you are radical

I'm a big fan of how this headline and image combo reads like Hull's Guildhall in the city centre, nowhere near the water's edge, is at risk of falling into the sea

If you come over to my house, I will make you a tisane from a range of plants growing wild in my garden and we shall frolic

I think we should stop giving important jobs to rich people, even if it's just temporary, until we can figure out where all these paedophiles are coming from

given that starmer can’t come out and say “we gave him the job because he was friends with the same nonce as trump”, it’s up to broadcasters to ask mps from all parties if they think that was a wise strategy