first i thought this place was too horny. now i dont think it’s horny enough

@rusty.todayintabs.com I was so confused

Not even a phishing email. i checked

he got stoned and tried to suck his own thing. it happens

Hahahhahahahhahaha

only just reading the fine print on the “Receipt” emoji

my friends have a poster of this in their bathroom and i’m constantly thinking about stealing it but it won’t fit down my pants

The titular wokeness being rolled back is the Civil Rights Act of 1964

im sick of bullshit, im sick of rancor, im sick of aggression, of preening and sanctimony and malice and grandiosity and fraud and corruption. i would like things to be a lot less like the way they are and yet, i am skeptical that the toothpaste is ever going back into the tube

is anyone working for a website that needs someone to write recaps of All’s Fair???? this is my application

if you were writing a novel about how the u.s. had been entirely taken over by 24/7 cokeheads how would it be any different

god i love the time of year when the chopped cheese harvest comes in

Me when I get to babysit my 5 year old cousin

i didn’t see Fast and the Furious until like way way waaaaaay after it came out and when i finally did i tweeted like “Oh. This is literally just Point Break” and some guy got SO FUCKING MAD at me for that. he was like EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ALREADY YOU DUMB WHORE

Who wants some of this juicy young pussy

if i ever write a memoir it’s going to be titled If I Kill Myself It’s All Your Fault. i call dibs on this. No one else can have it

an extremely hot man in my neighborhood just matched with me after i tossed up what i thought was a worse than half-court shot

i’m so tired of lying awake worrying about money because of some fuckhead moron who sucks at running a business

i haven’t been sleeping well lately and last night i kept thinking about how dogs don’t chase cars anymore. but it makes sense they would have chased cars in the early 20th century when cars were a new phenomenon. so have dogs evolved to know what cars are

saying “Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, Or what's a heaven for?” in place of “Shooters shoot”

why is your face wet. were you in the sink again. God damn it

have you ever heard a man in his mid to late thirties say into his cell phone: “she viewed my IG story like immediately bro”? I have

i’m not 40 but i do feel old enough for this which is why i started pretending my chickenpox scar is a beauty mark

i bet this is a really good week to go to one of the always-crowded dim sum places, she said, attempting to communicate psychically with several men in the tristate area

eating a whole box of orange tic tacs just to feel something

Jesus christ

just remembered with a shudder that i wrote a horny poem about the grand canyon once

it’s all blending together today

Me talking to my cat: I love you mister boy mwah mwah mwah Me talking to other people about my cat: I call him Doctor Shithead because he's such an asshole

i could go for another yakuza jrpg right now

my date tonight said “Yeah, you strike me as an early masturbator”

Zohran/Trump got my dad talking like Sephiroth again

DONALD TRUMP FIVE MINUTES AFTER MEETING ME: And, you know, the Game Awards, they gave Best Music to God of War instead of Xenoblade 3, and it was very unfair

im not a big "my tax dollars" guy but i do look forward to a day where my tax dollars are no longer paying for GS-15 salaries for 40 year old comms guys to post HELLO, BASED DEPARTMENT?? from the offical twitter account of the US Bureau of Engraving and Printing

Anyone ever figured out how to stop clenching their jaw all the time

i hate donald trump like everybody else of course but deep down i feel an uncomfortable affinity with him because i too want to hear “i love you and i think you’re a genius” from everyone i interact with

held back on posting this all week because i was waiting to hear back about a job. the bad news is i didnt get it. the good news is now i can share this newly relevant joke with you

Olivia Nuzzi got horny at the part of ET where he’s lying sick in the water

I will be stepping back from my public commitments but I will continue being around teenagers all the time

had a dream someone remixed the whole sabrina carpenter album in a darkwave techno style, released it as Dark Tears, and it changed house party music for a decade like that Robyn album did. Free money for Ableton people

i recognize that they’re different perversions, but i think we actually fucked up when we differentiated between pedophiles and ephebophiles because it allows the latter to tell themselves they’re not the former

figured out how to make insanely good chocolate chip cookies, with only the smallest of changes: • Ghirardelli chocolate chips • Follow the recipe that’s on the bag, but x2 the salt (for one full tsp) • use vanilla bean paste instead of extract • make sure the butter is actually soft

just realized that despite trying to make my PC look like me, i accidentally made Xena, Warrior Princess instead

Hi! Thanks for much for reaching out. Unfortunately, I don’t think this is the right opportunity for me, because I think this sort of thing is complete and utter horseshit. Best, RP

i got tired of having to work so hard in elden ring so i found a really good spot where i can just stand on a cliff and watch two groups of enemies destroy each other and passively rack up EXP. Metaphor for something probably idk

cowboy says this will never hold up in court. But i know. i know the truth

it’s so fucking cold in my apartment i’m at my desk with a blanket on my lap like FDR