The only thing that could heal us as a nation would be for every person who lives here to line up in a big line and one by one take turns taking a banjo solo in one final ultimate rendition of foggy mountain breakdown

Sitting eating my torta and a nerd orders and walks away with a limp. A nerd with a limp. Lmfao

How about a Piven Table. In excel

not an accurate representation of our interaction. I was enjoying a quiet beverage alone when this man accosted me

Reading some Zane Grey

Rest in peace Scott Adams. Ratbert was a HUGE influence on my comedy

This is the year I fart my own brain

This is the year I fart my own brain

That epic moment when you realize that you don’t have to brush your teeth anymore because your wife went to stay at her mother’s for “a while”

"its not clear what kind of move I was trying to do" is one of my all time favorite tweets, but as a public service I share this tumblr collection of the entire 26-tweet reply chain it was part of (courtesy of haywire4) www.tumblr.com/haywire4/173...

Moneyball (2011) | Brad Pitt explains why Nien Nunb isn't worth 7.5 million credits

Behold the goated chocolate shortbread jam sandwich cookie of my Aunt Linda

All right, no more saying “Autistic” please

pluribus is almost as good as the beavis and butt head interstitial where beavis has to spank his monkey because an asmr video gave him wood

I'll be home for Christmas. Hell, I'm home right now

When mall Santa has wayyyyyyy too much grey in his beard and moustache>>>

O Holy Night… the goat Christmas carol… it’s insane

Currently being beaten up by the teens at the mall…. HELP!!!!!

Bit of rain about

The cool guy cook influencers don’t like to say “Worcestershire.” They like to say “W Sauce” instead. What’s wrong with Worcestershire. You think saying W Sauce makes you cool? Because I’m just telling you it doesn’t.

Imagine and reflect on the following humorous situation: Me: hey what are you drinking there? Friend: Canada Dry Me: can of the dry what? 😃

Thanksgiving coming up right around the corner

There are a number of very beautiful leafs on the ground everywhere I look

Wow

Will in all likelihood be visiting the store later

Please Seattle Mariners… please win tonight…

Last month when I was in Moline IL I mustard up my courage to go finally confront Beach Tweets once and for all, I crossed the River into Bettendorf but got sidetracked by a pizza ranch. Then with a belly full of pepperoni, I got to thinking about it and got to scared and gave up, I turned

Dont milk over milked… No… Don’t… milk over cried….? Don’t scry over pilled… That can’t be it… Don’t milk over… milked…? Christ….

Roommate noir: Looks like he made a lot of food.... I guess he's pretty hungry.

crube

@beachtweets.bsky.social did you see the clip of Seyfried on Fallon?

Blah blah blah blah… is that what you want me to say??? Blah blah blah???? BLAH BLAH!!!

White receiver named Ladd McHonky is a little on the nose for me

Don’t spill over cried… no…. Don’t spill over spilled…. What is it? Don’t… spill? Don’t spill over…… don’t spill over… don’t spill over spilled…?

I am officially creating a tiktok replacement, it can be found on my Venmo feed, please feel free to post anything you like there!

Hey beach tweets @beachtweets.bsky.social did you. See this? x.com/witchergame/...

The big debate ripping through the house right now is whether or not mom has made A Thousand christmas cookies yet

People who jump the gun on Christmas ephemera lack the mental discipline required to navigate an increasingly cruel world…

The Crapping of The Ass

poping out a huge crap

Whatsup fuckas lol

Attention movie lovers

Pimp