If a wet paper towel can’t do it, it can’t be done.

*pausing the movie I’m showing you* You’re getting the gist but it would make more sense if you saw every movie ever made before this one

I meant Heelys! 🤦🏻‍♀️

In 10,000 years they’re going to look back on jokes and be like what a waste of laughter

I’m, Steady, The, Squirrel.

the new arby’s loose stool sandwich is getting rave reviews

When I put my bakes in the oven

I appreciate Manager’s Specials

FACT: There are several ruggedized laptops in your AO that contain high-value information.

RAMIREZ / DEFEND THE ALGAE POOL

Neighbor’s bulldog tried to eat me again

Cockney Brendan Urie: Didn’t ‘ave a shilling, but I always ‘ad a vision Always ‘ad ‘igh ‘igh ‘igh ‘opes

I have great political instincts. Unfortunately they’re from the Bronze Age.

What’s the latest human craze? Is it Wheelies again? I feel like it’s Wheelies.

“Would you still love me if I was a worm” I would not, hypothetical girlfriend. I also would not love you if you turned into any other animal, even a squirrel. I was quite clear that I am only attracted to human women.

I will now use this thread to post my foolish little thoughts along the way. I will also answer questions such as “What’s wrong with you?” and “Could you do something useful instead?” (Count is up to 312 btw.)

POV: you're unsuccessfully trying to take a picture of a bird

Wendy’s should make their own beer.

You gotta be in the middle line of defense. The first line always sees fighting. The last line has too much pressure. In the middle you can coast.

In 2106 AFI will come out with “100 Years…100 Tweets”

Introduce your child to body horror with Mr. Potato Head!

🤣😂😹Every friend group has a Diomedes son of Tydeus 🤣 🤣tag yours!

Life is about chopping vegetables

“Video stuttering, cap’n!” “Set to 480p.” “Aye, sir! Lowering resolution!”

Damn it, Ollie

One must always be productive, even when jerkin’ it

Gavrilo Princip Memorial Highway

FACT: Your hair has a 10% chance of exploding if you use conditioner before shampoo.

April showers bring May showers

My cartoon in the latest edition of @privateeyenews.bsky.social

Why was he trying to hold all those limes in the first place?

*puffs pipe* The video gamer believes in a… shall we say… ”Great Man Theory” of game development.

Are muffins and cupcakes siblings? Cousins? Parent and child? I know they’re related somehow…

Medieval buddy cop comedy called Wyvern and Shirley

*climbing up your leg* Hey can I get a bacon egg and cheese

They call me the Shock Doctor

Right before a job interview I applied for another job. Hmm, next time I need to be applying *during* an interview… Or do two interviews at once!

I’m noticing no one has invited me to a group chat yet…

Group chats are rolling out today. We’re one step closer to Bluesky Spaces. 🎤🐿️

Reverse diarrhea

You can do it, sweetie poop!

Good is dad -Frederic Niche

Subaru F-150

I trust auto-correct, which is God, to guide me,

It’s ridiculous you’re not allowed to conduct business in the hotel business center

Would you still love me if I was the Word. Like if in the beginning was Me

>be me >

Don’t search your camera roll for “truck”. Search it for “squirrel”.

FACT: If things were different, things would be different!

I hate gamers