With SNAP benefits going out late, nonprofits are begging for pet food donations to prevent desperate owners from surrendering their dogs and cats to animal shelters.

A remake of The Shining where a guy gets cabin fever but it’s in a populated hotel in the Spring

Rest now sister. We have the kente. I'll see you in Wakanda.

They should invent a t-shirt that kills you

I had a dream where I was given a Green Lantern ring, and I tried to test if I was dreaming or not, and I came to the conclusion that I was not asleep.

Fuck, I forgot to watch Monster House before Halloween. My whole fuckin life is just pain

Just heard a guy say “Marbalo” twice in a row when referring to Marlboro cigarettes

The pro-life party is now at the "starve American children" phase.

Cat running for office: But we're going to get rid of the humans because they've been treating us very badly. And our bowls will be full in the morning- perhaps fuller than ever before

Flowers for Algernon is a story about what happens when you give a mouse flowers

Starving people right before Thanksgiving is actually diabolical on every level imaginable. It's also the kind of cruelty people don't forget.

A common anxious thought you might have is that you feel like people you know are mad at you. And I’m just reminding that they’re not! They’re actually mad at me. I’m sure of it. Someone is mad at me all the time and I don’t know what I need to do to fix it

I think I could beat up someone the size of King Kong if given the opportunity. No I didn’t say him specifically, just someone his size

Space alien, learning about celebrities: Wow! This Jared Leto guy was the Joker? And a vampire Spider-Man villain? The lead in a new Tron movie? He was in Fight Club and American Psycho? He’s the lead singer in a rock band? Everybody must really LOVE this guy! Me: I’m so sorry to tell you this,

I am just so fucking proud of her.

You can't just tell your dog he's handsome all the time, you also have to compliment his job performance

Luckily, Sinclair has a helpful database of all their stations, so you can see if they're operating in your area and respond accordingly. sbgi.net/tv-stations/

This is the biggest attack on free speech since the McCarthy era but it also has significantly less popular consensus behind it than the second Red Scare. It's being done on behalf of a minority faction led by the most unpopular president in modern history. Organizing against this can win.

ah, well

this is quite genuinely insane, and I want to believe the backlash to this will be severe

Jimmy Kimmel can’t make mild jokes at Trump’s expense now? He didn’t even mock Kirk in that joke. He mocked living people who don’t give half a shit about him. Fuck ABC Disney, fuck these spineless liberals, and fuck this whole fucking fascist administration.

The way to get ai to write something correctly or draw a picture that doesn’t suck dogshit is to type in the prompt “…and make it good this time”

i hope at my big traveling show where i talk about all the different kinds of people i hate a bunch of my blood doesn't go squirting everywhere

great article

almost forgot this classic somehow

no matter your politics it’s disrespectful to joke about someone’s death. don’t say charlie kirk died from a grand piano falling on his head and his mouth turned into piano keys and then a flower pot fell on his dick and it honked like a bike horn. don’t say stuff like that

Conservatives outraged that Charlie Kirk was shot, as this would imply that guns did not, in fact, keep him safe. An apology by Kirk is expected if he survives

I want Optimus Prime to crumple me up like a ball of aluminum foil and hurl me into the sun

I never thought surgery would be so boring. But after being in on like over a dozen cases, I can safely say that surgery is boring as shit. Fuck surgery

The hunt is on! Hollow Knight: Silksong is available now on all platforms, including day one on Xbox Game Pass!

I have no respect for the way chimpanzees choose to live their lives

gamblers ripping up their Trump or Giuliani bet slips as CNN announces Elon Musk has died from complications during a routine chest-weirdening surgery

no matter your politics it’s disrespectful to joke about someone’s death. don’t say rudy giuliani died from driving his car into a wall painted to look like a tunnel and all his clothes flew off in the crash and then a sixteen wheeler semi truck ran over his dick and balls. don’t say stuff like that

Four days until release! Hollow Knight: Silksong will be available on 4th September. Release times: 7AM PT | 10AM ET | 4PM CEST | 11PM JST Game price: USD $19.99 | EUR €19.99 | JPY ¥2300

I know it sounds pretty far fetched, but how cool would it be if Vance did The Funniest Thing Ever right after Trump dies

Happy birthday to Jack Kirby.

I tried to come up with a new invention and I landed on “they should make a chair that kills you” but then I remembered the electric chair. But also that takes way too long. I’m talking like as soon as my cheeks hit the seat. Just gone

Yeah so they got covered in slime and it made it so they can talk. A rat taught them all how to do karate so now they worship him. The rat also got covered in slime, but it was before them. They all have human personalities

A guy in a flannel shirt and dirty old faded jeans who goes to Dave and Busters after work just to sit at the bar and drink like he’s in a dive

Zohran Mamdani stuns political consultants with revolutionary campaign strategies like telling people “I want to make your lives better” and pointing out “the other guy is an evil pervert.”

You have more money than God. But you want incentives to do good, moral things?

“Change” the oil? By putting more of the same oil in there? Buddy, you sound so crazy right now.

*I knock a soda out of a woman’s hand* Me: lose that Coke Zero and get with a Coke Hero Her: Me: I’m talking about me, I’m the Coke Hero

I wish I could dive into a pool full of cats, Scrooge McDuck style

Why are those sneakers allowed to still be called New Balance? They’ve been around for so long. Balance, more like