leftover bacon from dinner last night to add to my lunch turkey sandwich

Giving away a record amount of money from my checking account to my savings account

bill maher with one of the craziest flop jokes i've ever seen in my life

president trump was only at the burlesque house to get directions on how to get away from the burlesque house

the president sucks

even though the bears have won a few never underestimate their ability to completely implode

soon as the vikings figure out throwing and catching on the same play it’s curtains for the bears

dance like nobody’s watching

going to costco during the 9am executive member only hour

underrated aspect of working out in the morning is how smug you get to feel about it the rest of the day

*leaning over and whispering to my wife during this scene* he was getting robbed at his own house but he didn’t even care 😂

rewatched Weapons

when I talk the United Healthcare rep down to $1400 per month for the worst hsa plan on planet earth

I think that was the worst play call / execution combo platter in NFL history

eyes can’t roll hard enough at the JJ McCarthy’s intense alter ego 9 narrative

Another big “Thank You” to the millions of Americans who foisted this ghastly visage into every waking moment of our already short lives. Thank you!!!

why is his ear soaking wet

hey everyone look at this hash my wife made

lol perfect eli roth quote

🫡

witness the meteoric rise of a pop music superstar! please don’t ask about any other parts of his life

“You can sit in a basement with weird people and say weird things. It’s a free country.”

difficult to imagine how big of an insufferable loser you have to be to do this

wow! awesome

I love uprooting my family’s life and moving to a new state every couple years based on who wins an election

Head in hands wondering how this could happen to me, the popular president who posted a video of myself shitting on everyone 2 weeks ago

At this point, anyone—a university, a law firm, a corporation, a Democrat—bending the knee to Trump is doing it because they want to, not because of any political reality.

BREAKING: Zohran Mamdani wins the New York City mayoral race, NBC News projects. nbcnews.to/4nIzNUC

we’ll miss you Rick!

time to put my texas longhorns jersey on, head to bass pro shop and get involved in a fight that will embarrass my family and potentially lead to charges being filed against me. I’m 36 years old by the way.

It's nearly impossible to make a living entertaining children in a sewer since Stephen king's "It"

more like Jared Off on that third down

The Minnesota Vikings?

pretty interesting ballgame they've got going on tonight

absolutely unreal game

remember when the Twins traded Louie Varland for zero reason

why is Bichette playing if he can’t move

Reuploading a classic to Bluesky, Forgive me god.

loved all the kids dressed as Derek Shelton tonight

"the FBI director used taxpayer funds in a government shutdown to fly his country singer GF to sing at a Hulk Hogan-founded wrestling event aired on Fox Nation" is not the flashiest Trump-era headline but pound for pound it can compete with any contender

jaw dropping headline

personally I think the Twins should emulate maybe literally any other baseball team than the Pittsburgh Pirates

I know movie stars are all doing commercials now and who cares I guess but something about Jeff Bridges for TMobile really bums me out!

my wife is out of town for a couple days, me activating frozen pizza mode

watched the first episode of IT: Welcome to Derry

He wasn't good, but he truly was a reflection of the fanbase (writhing in agony, screaming in frustration, pale).

Steelers / Packers uniform matchup tonight is an affront to god

I’m awful at doing anything handy around the house, successfully cleared both our backed up bathroom sinks yesterday and I feel invincible.