I think I’ve found an invasive sunflower he smiled.

I happened across some leftover s’more ingredients tonight after hosting a baseball pasta dinner and I only set fire to one of the five I ate. I’m fatting .800.

It was a test I never should have passed. Is this a test or just a passing moment of ambiguous journey over destination how does life come up with these things? But anyway, I won a trip to multiple choice

Everything is for everyone else's life, not mine you say having moments alone with whatever is left at the end of the day, ooh a half eaten death certificate

Skunked two days in a row shad fishing, dropping my Apple Watch on day one. On day two, I tracked my watch swimming upstream then getting on the highway. After a little digital sleuthing and FB fishing community work, I got it home and grilled it on a cedar plank with pepper, garlic and lime.

ADT has a free home security upgrade for leg hair tick detection that I’m glad I splurged for.

Telling someone I’m doing some work around the house translates to me just turning up my undiagnosed ADD to 11.

Embracing the flavor of a nation.

I didn’t quit here, I’ve just been leaning into other hobbies.

I sowed so hard today.

He slid a Porta-Brace Sharpie behind his ear so he could flick a piece of gaffer tape from his eyebrow on the downstroke and said: “Son, I’ve made a life, reading people’s faces. Like when I was a kid, the company I worked for had to buy us a 16GB hard drive for $18k and they were all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”

If I were “rich”, I’d be considered “eccentric” and not a “dirtbag” who uses “air quotes”

If you miss being ghosted, try selling a car on Facebook marketplace.

I can never sleep the night I get back from vacation because I always leave a couple of lights on while I’m gone, so when I turn them off, I’m afraid we’re going to get robbed.

More like mental hellth amirite lol

My drafts folder is already out of control.

Asked the lady on the Chex Mix customer service line if they’d make a bag that just had the little Chex pieces in it. She asks me, “isn’t that just a box of cereal?” Now I’m trying to get her fired.

I’m sorry for all the nasty things I said behind your bark, bolt of red oak.

(scrolling) (looking around) (BECOMING INCREASINGLY CONCERNED THAT THERE WERE TWO NEW QUESTIONS ADDED TO MY PHYSICAL THERAPY ASSESSMENT LAST WEEK ABOUT BEING ABLE TO RUN FAST/RUN FAST IN A ZIGZAG PATTERN)

Came back secondhand, born in thrift. It never could have all been brand new but some say there's an invoice somewhere. It would mean we're alive not just curses in old things. Me, I astral project to Etsy

Didn’t understand a word. Understood enough. Loved it

She snuck a chrome Ronson out of her clutch, struck up a flame and lit the end of a white cigarette. She pulled it away from her red lips with a gentle puff. "40 grand might not be a lot to anyone these days," she said. "But, it would mean an awful lot to me."

Something I do. Stumble across a good name, first or last, well, I do try to write it down so I don't forget. Like, a couple homeless strays 'Taromina' or 'Aristabel' likely of valuable use in some fantasy future! But if yer workin in the noir genera...Maybell Gunn is almost too perfect to believe

The to be continueds of the mind always know what's next, a defense mechanism cliffhanger. Will you temporarily forget to live in constant recap? Spoiler alert: only when you've accepted skipping yourself

I’m so old, I tweaked my good knee eight days ago skiing and for a solid week I thought I was done, until this morning when it made a cracking sound and got 75% better.

What lies beneath the snow?

Not the night not the day but a third thing in the morning, and even a fourth thing in the evening. That's what a secret rotates on its axis to keep, a set untold schedule for a dirty little optimum productivity

One of the things I’ve learned firsthand, walking the streets of this giant world, is that Willem Dafoe is a bite sized human being in real life.

One time when I was a kid, I saw bacon teaching a penn how to dance.

Last night's cocoon did wonders for my feeling safe but my new beauty emerge stage can't feather its hair for shit

If a book of poetry has a wine stain on its cover from a mason jar, it means I liked it plenty

So far, it doesn’t really feel any different.

When those road trip sedatives start to hit.

I was tasked with creating something tangible to put under the tree for a gift that doesn’t technically exist in object form.

Gifts come in many forms.

On November 28, 1942, my grandmother’s sister was stood up just before a double date and refused to be a third wheel, so my nana canceled their plans to go to the Coconut Grove nightclub, all Final Destination style.

It's always the ones you forget whom you will remember the most. I said whom this one time, it left a little scar on how close I am to losing all my thoroughfare cred

I'm not really a praying man but I pray Jason Voorhees eventually finds the rest of his goalie gear

*sitting next to you on the bus, looks over. "I just noticed it. You know when that backbeat started up?"

Ornament factory

Knocked a couple pieces of maple together while bringing in firewood and before I knew it a family of bigfoots had brought a casserole. “We’re going to need that dish back,” they said, "it's vintage CorningWare."

Bringing out a minuscule meal in the break room to appear larger and more intimidating to my coworkers

If You Give a Mouse a Sorting Project

Yawn and stretch adorably out for some attention from passersby, cuddling your own claws up in each hand to show that this is no trick, just a little love request. I get muted a lot too but I'm an opossum

Horror films with the plants. They haven't exactly strangled with tendrils the psyche of the modern trellis goer but I won't stop thinking of them like was I even raised on growing? "No more coffee for the both of us" laughs flytrap

Look, I compost and recycle and try to avoid eating piping plovers but I draw the line when it comes to the aerosolized assurance that only my Aqua Net hairspray can provide

i’m gonna dance while doing the dishes about it