Imaginary conversations will actually unprepare you for nobody else being there

Lens flare garden ghosts.

Sorry I missed your rapture, please leave a prophecy after the tone.

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know

It’s 10/4, happy little buddy day.

Live, laugh, spoonerize

Letting you all know now that I am dying. At this very moment. I would wait until morning to notify you, but it would be quite impossible. On account of taking on being deceased the previous evening.

The My Bangers tab is now an exit email but hey, what do you want for nothing?

Forever is evergreen but so is temporary and with that I must go and believe in the streaming of stars, when only time ago it was us bringing the borrowed stars back to avoid late fees

The following is an encounter I had with a bird watcher while drive on surf fishing. BW: Good time to see the warblers as they’re migrating. Me: So are the stripers BW: Those are delicious Me: So are warblers BW: Me: vroom vroom

Nothing through the whole nihilism exam until the essay question "reasons to have no good reason" I just put false but failed for feeling good about it

How much confounding is too much confounding? Asking for the people I don’t hang out with anymore.

On our annual summer vacation this year my kids accused me of aura farming and I was all like, duh.

Him: Never say never. Me: Ok but you just said it. Twice.

I'm being surrounded by feral rodents. Normally I'm not concerned about a gathering of vermin but this time they're powered by magnets and radiation of a new order. Who knows where their biology has gone, it needs to be studied in order to be quelled

My bologna has a first name, my sliced cheese has a law degree and the bread ran away with the spoon. Everything is nonsense, please pass the mustard.

Birds swim through gravity because they treat it like water. So what do they drink then? Asshole of a word Schadenfreude says the satisfaction of seeing a human beverage left on the roof of a car

We’ll get through this, just like we got through the Lender’s Frozen Bagel Era without a microwave. Unless your mom just butter fried them like mine did, then tick tock.

My dog’s strict no fly zone required her to chase a parliament of barred owls from the backyard today.

My basement is celery.

Putting my glasses on so I can see how far to fuck off.

I had a shot at becoming a workaholic but every way into the office annoyed me.

I've tried super cool stairwell fights and elevator fights and I will tell you nothing beats going up and down, regardless of getting to walk away straightening your tie and unmussing your hair

If I were really living in the moment I would leap from this moving vehicle and make a living gathering juniper berries and discarded scratch tickets in the median strip

A college art project using photocopied textures. I haven't been able to locate the original photo but this was my interpretation of an image of Governor George Wallace with a black man peering over his shoulder, featuring ramen noodles, fingerprints, grunge sweaters and glower. Give it a squint.

Sugar-coating my assumptions has given me nothing but cavities.

Let's pop, no talking. Sit with me. I have bubble wrap.

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers

I just hit 190k on my truck and I can't recollect ever replacing the clutch so I either have a failing memory or phenomenal touch with my feetsies.

This is my fifteenth rapture!

No Stairway, Denied. *file under rapture jokes for the next ones.

Goth Mathew McConaughey: It’s my job bra to be macabre.

When I was the asshole, you had to be president for three hands before making a new rule.

Four out of five shoe salesman recommend you sit by the fire barefoot so you don’t melt your footwear and I was advised by the fifth one.

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Would

Now that everyone has had that one incident, can we start calling them flop flips?

Dislocating all the bones in my body so some sort of shadowy colossis of the cosmos can marionette me through whatever is left of my life.

Hop on the carousel and pick your favorite animal. We're gonna crank up the speed gradually, ultimately spinning so fast we create a wormhole to a neighboring universe

We’ve been taking our ghost to the beach every weekend and it’s been great. I mean, I think.

When you have to understand a whole fictional universe so you watch all the movies and spinoffs and vs predators and check their profile for rare selfies that mostly come at night, mostly

The sky looks starved tonight.

Pistachios, aka tree clams.

I’ve known trees older than your dammed lake.

You know, that sounds true because it reinforces my ideas about the honesty of some noises and the milli vanilli of others

Me and Herbie Hancock kicked back against a seawall, watching it all unfold. “Did you read Jack White’s response to 47? Fucken-A. Also, the beer bottle intro to Watermelon Man was genius.” Herbie nods, taking a sip from a tall bottle of Fanta grape, his black turtleneck crisp and clean and even.

Sleepbee

Be sure you clean your hummingbird feeder regularly as Tinker Bell is a mean drunk.

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)