i’ve had time to think about what i did and you know what? i’d do it again

@littlelemontart.being.baby got out of jail and uhh she got some ink in there

bluesky is like if a LinkedIn seminar got drunk and made a social network.

“if you want to fix bluesky you should just ban everyone who has ever been mean to me online, which coincidentally is everyone with a functioning prefrontal cortex. then it’ll just be me, six guys named ‘datafart,’ and a bot that posts about municipal zoning reform”

migraine so bad i tried to google the symptoms and the screen hit me back with a flashbang.

my dear friend wants to learn quilting. and it makes you realize that don’t make hobbies like they used to. everything now is just “doomscrolling” and “posting through it.” at least grandma’s cross-stitch says “bless this mess” instead of “i crave the sweet release of the algorithm.”

oops i accidentally clicked the quote post button silly me

FREE LEMON AND BASTARD MAN #JUSTICE4SHIDD

justice 4 lemon!!!!! she’s an angel she doesn’t deserve this

Ayo free my girl lemon she didn’t do shit #justice4lemon

“creamiest nut” was my senior superlative

hello

it’s officially spooky season, which means it’s time to pretend i’m not scared of gourds again. every year i tell myself i can handle the raw sexual energy of a pumpkin patch and every year i end up weeping into a hay bale while a scarecrow judges me with his cold, corn-filled eyes.

yes this is definitely real

Please look at this jawless fish. Did you see it? Okay, thanks for your attention.

congratulations, you’re the proud owner of the world’s shittiest trivia trophy. you didn’t discover anything, you’re just the part of evolution that got stuck on “annoying background noise.” the only thing that came free with you was a lifetime supply of being a literal punchline.

anyway, Franklin D. Crowsevelt

“you could try a poster’s strike” girl you are the strike, you human picket sign for why people shouldn’t have bosses. got the energy of a landlord tweeting “ever think about touching grass?” while charging $2,800 for the grass. just out here cosplaying as a smirking reply guy in your own collapse.

that was rude

professor: you must not read aloud from the necronomicon me: [realizing i got the audiobook version] fuck

30 years in the game and it's still "fuck the mods". something beautiful in that

last week i stole 300 tiny plastic forks from a salad bar and now i duel seagulls in the walmart parking lot at dawn. i always win, but at what cost? my soul smells like ranch dressing.

i saw an ad for ICE that was basically “HEY YOU IS YOUR LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT NOT RACIST ENOUGH FOR YOU? HATE PEOPLE WHO PRONOUNCE IT TEJAS? WELL COME ON DOWN YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE”

@jay.bsky.team it’s a thirty five dollar Uber ride from your hairline to your eyebrows

ordered a pizza with vegan cheese and the delivery guy just handed me a screaming orb that knows my middle name.

the four horsemen showed up at my cul-de-sac riding bird scooters. pestilence dabbed so hard my dog turned into a spreadsheet. war won’t stop asking if i have a second HDMI cable.

if anyone wants to join my pyramid scheme, the buy-in is just three goat skulls and your ability to ever know peace again.

Jesus: this is my body [breaks bread] Apostles: [nod reverently] Jesus: and this is my blood [pours wine] Apostles: [nod reverently] Jesus: and this is my- Judas: [stops drinking milk] your what

@hombrebastardo.bsky.social wanna see a cool picture

ever meet a kid and you can just tell that whole family’s IQ is just a single digit being shared like a Netflix password.

isnt it crazy that Clint Eastwood’s parents named him after a Gorillaz song

from the makers of hamburger helper comes chorizo companion

starting tomorrow, evil shiddpostha season

cat egg

my job is to spin around in the capitalist hamster wheel until my legs give out, and in return i get just enough money to buy coffee that makes me spin faster.

haha this sucks man

i’m cancelled

i keep telling myself i’ll fix my sleep schedule but apparently my brain is running on “haunted chuck e. cheese animatronic maintenance hours.”

yea i got ibs… I BE SHITTIN 🤣🤣🤣🤣 [i look over at the Cambodian warlord forcing me to post. his attention is on the pretty young thing on his lap] please help me. contact the embassy and tell them what is happening here my address is [i see the warlord noticing my frantic typing] VLADIMIR POOPIN 🤣🤣🤣🤣

they should invent a bird that isn’t a piece of shit yelling about sex all the damn time and vaping in the shared spaces of my apartment building

people think humans are the smartest life on the planet (built many things, invented stuff) but we also pay rent to exist. compare that to a few “dumb creatures” (Bigfoot has a lucrative shoe deal, Dracula has a trust fund) and you will see that maybe, we are not so smart after all

when will those brain geniuses at cern stop focusing on nerd shit like quantum physics, and focus on the real issues facing our planet and create candy corn on the cob

bees, nature’s silly lil guy in a sweater