New app: do you want to enable notifications? Me: I don't even want to have this phone

they shoulda called it Discourser Day

it is all thanks to wu-tang clan 😌

(DMing girl) Life is so randommm it's like.. Whyyyyyy Lol. (logging into Albert Einstein role playing account) (DMing same girl) Life makes perfect since

usenet more like snoozenet 😴

If you strike me down I will become more struck down than anyone has ever been. My ass will essentially have been cooked. Think wisely.

Cry and sob hysterically at every occasion, especially when confronted by government clerks.

I feel like Michael Clayton and Miles Edgeworth would develop a lot of respect for each other if they ever worked in the same legal system. I think he’d find Phoneix Wright to be a clown though.

"FIVE FREE" https://bonequest.com/9879

seeing spots but the spots are real and they’re my friends

parallel parking requires the live mas mentality

Nancy 2/22/26… 🪱WOIMS🪱

Ooooh look at these jingling keys! ooooohh!!

if you start a sentence with “here’s the thing,” i’m not listening, i’ll never know what the thing is. unless it’s john carpenter’s the thing (1982), which i know and love

i’m placing bets against money. this will pay off big once money is worthless 😌

pillory is a beautiful name for a baby girl

bottom o’ the nighttime to ya 🌈☘️

so the Woke Ginger can pop off but I get ran off of Craigslist for telling the truth as the Sexual Uncle. Ok

they should invent a PB&J that is freshly made for me and i can eat it in bed without getting jelly everywhere 😌

return to Oz? yeah we should rewatch The Monkey 😏

eating while standing at the counter is unc

If you're old enough to have watched .hack//Sign you should probably be more worried about .back//Pain

when i was a teen with a macbook, my lil bro would sneak up and quickly use the keyboard shortcut to open my Applications folder, then hit ⌘-A and ⌘-O

i will never ever watch cheers!!!!!

if miles edgeworth was in gone girl, it wouldn’t have gone down like that

husband confirmed for my valentine 😌🫡

i hope it’s fool’s spring soon, i love looking like an idiot for enjoying being outside

showing up to a new job with brian wilson bangs because i can’t really be bothered to cut them 😌

i made a version of wikipedia you can doomscroll xikipedia.org

breathing hard or hardly breathing?

they should call it egg drop gloop 🤤

going zig zag mode on the sidewalk

what the hell are the golden globes

ah please, son of sam is my son. you can call me sam

the yoga instructor tells me to engage my core. i toggle the swtich and feel my power levels rising. core engaged. plasma vents at 34%. within minutes my shoulder mounted turbo canons will be armed. namaste.

every NYT headline is like…They expected pee: poo greeted them instead

say hello to your little friend? i’d love to, he sounds great

i will never “set my SSID to boingo hotspot”

“you can’t pause dark souls” sounds like a lie invented by boyfriends

clocking in for my first day as a senior shambler at the dark souls III castle, hope i don’t ge- AEURRRUUHRRGGHHH

I'm not the girlfriend...I'm the friend that girled up

“try to avoid snacking after dinner” okay then I will starve to death in the night. good bye

just found out that the guy from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea was just going horizontally???

vibing out to the washing machine’s song 😌 totally forgetting it’s telling me to come move the laundry

missed opportunity to use the word “sniff”