they should call it egg drop gloop 🤤

going zig zag mode on the sidewalk

what the hell are the golden globes

ah please, son of sam is my son. you can call me sam

the yoga instructor tells me to engage my core. i toggle the swtich and feel my power levels rising. core engaged. plasma vents at 34%. within minutes my shoulder mounted turbo canons will be armed. namaste.

every NYT headline is like…They expected pee: poo greeted them instead

say hello to your little friend? i’d love to, he sounds great

i will never “set my SSID to boingo hotspot”

“you can’t pause dark souls” sounds like a lie invented by boyfriends

clocking in for my first day as a senior shambler at the dark souls III castle, hope i don’t ge- AEURRRUUHRRGGHHH

I'm not the girlfriend...I'm the friend that girled up

“try to avoid snacking after dinner” okay then I will starve to death in the night. good bye

just found out that the guy from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea was just going horizontally???

vibing out to the washing machine’s song 😌 totally forgetting it’s telling me to come move the laundry

missed opportunity to use the word “sniff”

They said im in the top 1% of listeners to women

football announcers sound soo excited when they yell “touchdown!!!” like no matter which team scored, they’re just thrilled to see any touchdown

when it’s time to go to the airport, the man with space in his suitcase is king

Grok please jangle some shiny keys in front of my face. Nuance level zero

Mamdani turned his haters into waiters at the table of success

the siren song of an airport tub of pesto pasta…

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

reminder: the headless horseman actually has no damn clue where he’s going

dust bowl husband: i'm home dust bowl wife: was it dusty today?

My take on the World Series? I support Shohei Ohtani’s role as global ambassador for Oi Ocha. I’m a regular Ito En drinker and I agree with Ohtani’s take: “So much is happening these days. It makes sense to take a break for green tea.”

Sometimes when I play the drums I think about how mad the Whiplash guy would be at me. He’d wanna kill me and harm me for my interpretations.

sid meier's civnet, magazine screenshot (1996) archive.org/details/CGW1...

this is dogshit lmao i just wanted to find a pic of my kirby wife

you want me to teach my child stem? that sounds like something a plant would say…

what's the opposite of clean up nice. i dirty down severely.

bro not the hour of the wolf againnn 😔

for referees, i bet it feels soo good to uphold the ruling on the field 😌

counting breaths down from 100 is the thinking man’s roguelike

if nobody got me, i know counting backwards from 100 got me

i didn’t say “i hope we have fun,” i said “i hope me have fun” 😏

That one bro who always finds a way to become coated by dangerous and unknown biofilms 🙄😂

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

positive attitude maxxing 😌 nothing is bleak 😌

Triumph and Glory by Jean Dubuffet, 1950 #artbots #guggenheim https://botfrens.com/collections/212/contents/137612

seeing a babe and replying “reported”

chicago has a higher than average density of alt girls but also mods

sleepy games done quick

it’s always the hour of the wolf somewhere

if we’re within bluetooth range, i can already bitch at you anyway

i once was lost but now i’m foundpilled, was blindmaxxing but now i see

a candy-colored clown they call the boyfriend,