i'm honestly scared about the impact a movie like Marty Supreme could have on young men. we're already at dangerous levels of little mustaches

(2026) we are taking the oil with our perfect kinetic troops! (2050) West China, formerly known as the United States,

this is accurate

going for a “cousin walk” alone, in my apartment. the clinking sound of the bong against the filthy glass coffee table. i forgot it was thanksgiving

bouncing and laughing in my adult baby bjorn while my wife makes funny faces at me

"Dasha got dropped by Gersh," I say to the elerly woman sitting next to me on the bus. "Can you believe that?" She empties an entire can of mace directly into my face instantly.

had to be the worst head of all time

epstein is proof that you can reach the highest echelons of american power while being nearly illiterate. don't let your limitations hold you back

Valve has finally imvented the first ever electronic device that cannot run Fortnite

day after the first snow of the year they already can’t take it. they are soft

there are plenty of enhanced interrogation techniques where he’s going

no we are not “skipping” any holidays between halloween and christmas, we are doing all four: pre black friday black friday pre cyber monday cyber monday

crystal best hot sauce louisiana second tabasco okay tapatio ass

i had heard all the criticism of hamilton before i went and saw it, and in the end i thought most of the criticism was true, but i also found hamilton undeniable

and that’s when everyone put their differences aside and came together to celebrate their favorite team, the los angeles dodgers

A reminder that you don't need to understand everything you see

me five beers in at any sporting event when "Sweet Caroline" comes on the loudspeaker

My new game Glory Hole Simulator isn’t a sex thing. I can see why everyone is assuming that. It’s more like taking care of the glory hole after hours. Sweeping, locking up, sanding the hole. That kind of thing. Will post some screenshots soon.

There has to be a reason that the guitar subreddit rarely talks about fights within their bands and the bass subreddit does all of the time

wikipedia is the last good website so it makes sense he would want to destroy it

one day millennials will be the last people on earth who can read and write. i think that’s beautiful

chicagoans are a hardy people who will simply outlast ICE when winter comes

you might even say “go dodgers”

call him verstappen the way he’s back in it

i think it’s fine, even good, to steal jewels from a museum

guys i think satan is spam texting me

oh no, please don’t put john bolton in jail, you’re making me so mad! i’m so owned!!

please do not make me have to take Hard Drive off my resume

googling "concerts for dogs" as a joke, not because i would take my dog to a dog concert. i am taking my dog to a dog concert only as a joke

(trying to get bluesky to tailor my discover page, please ignore) f1 formula 1 racing grand prix max verstappen charles leclerc lewis hamilton fernando alonso george russel yuki tsunoda fia fédération internationale de l'automobile mercedes red bull ferrari haas aston martin toto wolff fred vasseur

weed too cheap to meter

i have the rest of the night to befriend a polynesian harpooner

they went to the moon 50+ years ago with 4kb of ram and no billionaires involved

🚨 IMPORTANT SATIRE 🚨 PLEASE USE THIS AS A REPLY TO "OWN" PEOPLE WHO ARE WRONG ONLINE

Now that MAGA has brought the small-town gay piano teacher back to the Cracker Barrel logo it’s time to bring back Bucco Bruce to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers helmets

oh so trump is *dying* dying

cop: tell us where the dirt is!! roomba: (beeps defiantly)

overall i think it’s nice that people are hating on LA again. people were getting way too chummy about it for a while there

traditional european values are under attack

i receive: several priceless family artifacts you receive: a piece of junk from the white house gift shop

please accept this heartfelt and sincere apology