Everything went perfectly 🙏 I have two incisions, one for the wrist/arm repair and on the back of my hand, and an assortment of pins/plates. I got a nerve block basically at my collarbone, so no pain (for now) since my arm is numb. I have plenty of meds and great nurses ❤️‍🩹

Lol. Lmao even I got a second opinion on my wrist yesterday— they took new x-rays and there’s a bone fragment poking into my wrist joint. I’m having surgery tomorrow to remove the shard and repair the fractures in my forearm, wrist (which is in at least 7 pieces) and hand.

Tonight we let the Pingus talk

Today I took a bath and washed my hair all by myself 🙌 moving into my apartment tomorrow and Tuesday (with a lot of help)

As always— I’m scromiting

Serious question— my right arm is going to be out of commission for minimum 7 weeks. How the fuck do I wash my left arm/armpit??? I’ve been having my mom do it, which will not be the answer for much longer 🙃(getting a bath from my mother— not on my bingo card for age 36 btw)

Hi y’all 💕 big hugs to everyone who checked on me. It’s been a painful week but I’m doing a little better. Had my ortho follow up today and apparently the ER docs did a fantastic job of setting it— he doesn’t think I need surgery 🙏 I wish my seatbelt bruise pictures were SFW because they’re GNARLY

I was involved in a head-on collision yesterday. A car swerved to avoid hitting another car, crossed the center line and hit me. It happened so fast I could barely even react. My right wrist is broken + probably surgical, car’s gotta be totaled, and I am so fucking lucky it wasn’t worse.

I was hunted down and stung mercenary-style by a bee yesterday while checking my mail 💀 even after it got me on the inner forearm— which hurt like a bitch btw— it chased me all the way into my house divebombing around my head! Wtf did I do 😭

I GOT IT 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Please cross your fingers and toes and any other crossable appendages— I toured the cutest place this morning that would be perfect for me and the girls 🥺 this building never has units available and I was the first to inquire out of 7 people!!! Just waiting to hear back on my application 🤞

Today is the four-year anniversary of Maxine’s dental surgery and the most incredible text from her vet 💀

28 beers deep and the boys are talking about NATO at the bar

The thing about dating someone younger is that when THEIR friends date someone younger, you could be (just as a completely impersonal example that is not happening to me at all today at 8pm) 36 years old going out to drinks with a 22yo

waitttttt

sure gas is headed to $8/gallon but at least cornell got rid of their gender studies classes. or at least i think they did, i haven’t checked and if im being honest i wouldnt really know if they had or hadnt because it doesnt affect me but it makes $8/gallon gas all worth it

Bothered. Dehydrated. Miserable. In three lanes at once. Distracted. Suffering.

Between my regular anxiety, house anxiety, and my dogs waking up directly into a fight with each other at 1am (???), I had a comically horrendous night of sleep— but at least I spent those waking hours staring at my phone and chewing the inside of my lip!

Aside from the absolutely fucking insane concept of pet rent— for what? why should the same space cost more because there are animals in it?— a rental I otherwise loved is asking for an additional ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS in security deposits + pet fee at move in. The kicker? It has terrazzo floors 💀

eldest seal-child fed up with my shit

Getting excited to see an unread text and it’s from The Paper Store offering me 20% off for Mother’s Day

Check out the *exact* hair color match between me and my friend’s puppy 🥹

“Hantavirus cruise ship” is going to fit perfectly into the 2030 edition of “We Didn’t Start the Fire”

All the best people are saying it

I’ve Born 🥳

May I offer you The Crout during this trying time?

*taps earpiece*

The theme of this week is: “Hey, God, Am I A Fucking Joke To You”

An acquaintance very obviously used ChatGPT to write a Facebook post CELEBRATING HER FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY and I swear to god if this type of love tries to find me I will kill it with a hammer

I have got to stop listening to Taylor and start listening to GloRilla

Just watched someone getting Maxine’d IRL: a woman walking two fancy-ass poodles with a fluffy grey neighborhood cat trailing conspicuously about 3 ft behind them 💀

literally the funnest basketball game today, wow 🤩

I made a nice little dinner (salmon and pasta) instead of ordering DoorDash even though I’m in the middle of a legendary crash out and spent 45 mins today sobbing in the fetal position 🎖️

I was eating a piece of salmon and felt a sharp pain in my ass cheek 💀

Wow, okay, unfollowing now. Was a big fan of his chaotic yet jolly mascot antics— was not aware of the live penguin eating incident.

This is a strange thing to announce, but it’s going to become apparent soon, so: I’m getting divorced. Please be nice— we’ve been separated for a few months, it was a mutual decision, and Jeff is truly a great person. On to the next chapter for both of us 🌱

“I’M DOING IT FOR THE PLOT!!” I tell myself after spending entirely too much money on one (1) sports ticket

Today’s crossword can suck my fucking ass

Alright at this point it’s a choice

Me when I’m watching a bad horror movie and dogs are chasing the main characters: “oooooh it’s Mista Doody Man!”

I'm only here for a lil time. I got stuff to do so I won't be reading these. I bet they lightin that ass up though.

All the time and money I spend carefully curating my perfume collection, only to be asked if I use Tide Oxi because “I used a Tide pod and it smelled exactly like you” 🙄

oh gross dude, what is this?? is this my own medicine? I hate that shit bro that's why I'm always giving it to other people!!

Just remembered that my vape died at the bar on Saturday and I said “all my vapes gone ☹️” and absolutely no one got the joke which means I cannot hang out with these people anymore

“AI is clearly sticking around so you have to get used to it” wrong. I don’t have to get used to shit. I am a practiced hater and I can keep this going for decades if I am required to

the April of my discontent

Woke up at 2:30am being boa-constricted by my shirt because Crouton decided she would also be wearing it 🥲