the little back paws and daintily-tucked tail are gonna make me pass out, thx

I can’t believe how stupid everything is

Also I think we can all agree GOOD GRACIOUS / ASS IS BODACIOUS is up there with anything Keats or Wordsworth have ever written

The game is called “how many dogs can be on Möther at once” and the answer is: yes

Why does Brent Venables look like he’s been chewing on a can of white spray paint???

My husband rewinding the game so he can take a video of the announcer saying “in the second half they’ve gotta try to BEAT THOSE COCKS!” and send it to his group chat. Everyone in this scenario is approximately 37 years old

me at the dive bar after a workday that can best be described as “I hope this email kills us both”

Seeing if Pearl knew how to walk on leash and the answer was: bestie, respectfully, ✨ LET ME BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW ✨

Hi Sharks— I stand before you today asking for $750,000 for my revolutionary new product, which will disrupt the pet industry like never before: meat-flavored vapes for dogs

In a household with pets, the mere act of dissembling and cleaning the mini-steamer after an Incident (Pearl, rug, #1) is enough to immediately trigger an additional steamer-requiring Incident (explosive diarrhea, same rug, perpetrator/victim unclear but signs point to Cashew)

stairwell fit check bc I look so cute today 💁‍♀️

Finally watching KPop Demon Hunters and I’m so frickin excited

watching SVU and why is my name written inside a prison guard’s locker 😂

ok which of y’all was this

11 years since our first date 💘 I got home from work and Jeff immediately popped a bottle of champs and pulled a fully-prepped bowl of shrimp cocktail out of the fridge. Am I God’s favorite or what???

Last month: running along a highway, recently pregnant, starving and terrified😭 Now: spayed, vaccinated, dewormed, 2 big meals a day (+ treats!!) and sprawled belly-up in a king-size bed ❤️

Floridians when the overnight low is 36° (for one night)

if you’re in/near Orlando, FL and need dog or cat food, message me and my rescue may be able to help ❤️

Makeup turned out good tonight 💅

Because I’m weak (and she’s so pathetic and cute) Pearl has conned her way into sleeping in our bed 🙃 She likes to be under the covers but gets hot easily, so I woke up at 1am to her army-crawling out of the blanket, grinning & panting like crazy right into my face 🥰 look at her tho she’s perfect

I’m still laughing about Tomi Lahren being like “don’t come RUNNING to our BEAUTIFUL RED STATES when SHARIA LAW FAILS YOU!!!!” like, okay girl! Anything to get your name back in the news for the first time since 2018, I guess

Saw Black Phone 2 tonight and we both really enjoyed it! I loved the winter camp setting and the 70s vibe was immaculate. A very solid sequel to a movie I loved 😍

I can’t help but wonder if they’ve met My Personal Worst Helen 🥹

The president is holding FOOD politically hostage from 40 million people and that one chick from Pretty Little Liars thought now would be a good time to launch… a skincare line for CHILDREN AGES 4-12. Tragically, not @theonion.com 🙃

If this car dramatically slams on the brakes on my behalf one more time, I’m disabling the feature and flooring it into a wall to assert dominance. Every time it’s a huge overcorrection and today it almost caused someone to rear end me, because why am I coming to a COMPLETE stop in this situation??

A week ago Pearly was too scared to jump onto the couch with us— now look at her 🥰 (she still tries to remain completely Flat while hopping up, but at least she’s doing it! Brave!!!)

How it feels to watch all of the good election news from Florida, which is (at the state level) beyond salvaging

A very brave girl enjoying a bite of scrambled egg this morning 🍳🥺

VP Cheney will be honoured with a 21 gun salute accidentally aimed directly at 21 of his friends

Went to bed at 8:30 again and have been wide awake since 2 🤪 don’t remember a time change ever fucking me up this badly before tbh

I may never know peace again due to Facebook selling and/or leaking every single piece of my personal information over the past 17 years, but hey, $38 is $38!

Scooped the Pearly Girly up into our bed this morning and she’s definitely a fan 🥺 It’s precious (if also heartbreaking) to see her learn about and experience these little comforts, probably for the first time ❤️‍🩹

One more Belicheck and Jordon appearance for the road lol

Omg we’ve gotten THREE groups of trick-or-treaters including two tween girls who said “you’re really pretty!!” as I was handing them candy 😭

Inspired in part by one of my favorite tweets, I dressed up as Linguini (and Remy) for work Halloween today 👩‍🍳🐀 let the rat do it!

Pookie was brave enough to jump onto the couch for movie night 🩷

Naughty Crout’s obsession with OPC (other people’s crates) continues, to the great chagrin of Pearl

Happy “infamous Jezebel story about the consequences of eating too many pumpkin seeds” Day to all who… I don’t know if “celebrate” is the right word

“what radicalized you” idk paying attention

Miss Ma’am loves her crate and got a cozy night of sleep + breakfast in bed! We used food to coax her out for a potty break (to avoid picking her up out of the crate if possible) but otherwise she can certainly chill in there until she’s comfortable. A great first night for Miss Pearly Girly 🥰

She’s here!! Sweetie girl is so timid, but is starting to nose-bump our hands if we stop petting her 🩵

This is my legacy

Did I forget to share our new incoming foster here???? Pearl 🔮 arrives this evening on rescue transport 🩷 (wanna name her SKUNK very badly but the rescue def will not let me lmao)

HBD to @ginerso.bsky.social— a top-tier internet friend with a heart of gold, and the unquestioned GOAT of pet photoshop 👏👏👏 once again sharing my favorite masterpiece lol I hope you have the best day 🩷🩷

If I had a nickel for every time I asked a man “do we need to do X or Y?” and he said “yes”, I would be drinking champagne on my yacht instead of at this fucking desk 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

When I say I am SCREAMING!!!!! (Also, so many of these fit perfectly into one of my favorite seasonal joke formats— “I hate gay Halloween, wdym you’re ‘Blueberry Muffin or Chihuahua’???”)

congrats to my husband for pulling a dime tbh 💎

Nothing is certain except death, taxes, and a crash on I-4 by the fucking Disney exits