My coworker who was just on vaca for 10 days is jokingly complaining that it wasn’t long enough 😃 sure felt long enough too me, here, working!

Home at 11 and made salmon and gnocchi with fresh dill 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

lost in the sauce on Pup Claw

Today is Crouton’s 11th gotcha day, so here’s us on her first night home + this morning ❤️❤️❤️ my baby angel, my stinky, the best big sister, and truly my soulmate. I love you Crou 💕

I just need a moderately safe place to say: I’m the most disgustingly smitten asshole rn and I know this is prob going to blow up in my face and if it does, everyone is welcome to talk shit about me like we prob already are 😃 asking a man “how are you real?” at my big age 💀 put me in DUMB BITCH JAIL

WELL, I need her

This man just came all the way back across the bar to tell me “look at the dog in this guy’s purse!” and it was a little blind pomeranian 😭😭😭

Sending myself into a sugar coma on leftover Blue Bell Cookies’n’Cream from yesterday’s work birthday

absolutely diabolical AI slop failure in the local foodie group 💀

Breaking news: CAST ITCHY

Last night I asked my bf if my hand was looking any better and he so kindly and gently said “well… it’s still in the cast!” 💀💀 I’m going to start telling people to just lie to me and say it looks like a normal human hand

IN THIS HOUSE, WE BELIEVE: 🄱🄰🄻🄻 🄸🅂 🄻🄸🄵🄴 𝓜𝓮𝓷𝓼' 𝔀𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓼 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝔀𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓼' 𝓻𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓼 ʙᴀᴛᴍᴀɴ & ʀᴏʙɪɴ ᴀʀᴇ ɢᴀʏ ᴍᴀʀʀɪᴇᴅ 𝔇𝔯. 𝔜𝔞𝔨𝔲𝔟 𝔠𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔴𝔥𝔦𝔱𝔢 𝔡𝔢𝔳𝔦𝔩 ℂ𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕞𝕖𝕒𝕥 𝕥𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕤 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕪 ĐØ₦₳ⱠĐ ₮ⱤɄ₥₱ ĐłɆĐ ł₦ 2003 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘭

2 wines at my fav dive bar by myself or horror movie by myself? Vote for the next 10 mins bc I’m lonely and bored

new cast is so tight that my hand has ballooned and is turning grey 😃 so I get to pay another $55 copay 😃 for them to fix it 😃 I am never going to have money again in my life 😃 and possibly not a working hand either 😃

Everything I want to say would get me a wellness check so instead here is a picture of my new cast that I’ll have for an additional “3 weeks” (surprise!) because my ulna is not healed enough yet

THE ACKROOMS

El Laberinto Del Mitch McConnell (2006)

My baby girls came over for a few hours today and I think they approve of the new couch 🥺 I miss them so so much. It was sweet to be together ❤️

hard bsky launch if y’all even care 🐣

Gym bro employee scans us in, looks at me and goes “not doing arms today?” like SIR??? 💀 (I thought it was funny but I did make him sweat for a minute)

Progressive just sent me the most chipper text message asking me to mail them the keys for my car that they determined was totaled on June 13th 💀 why the fuck would I have kept those??? No one said anything to me (shocking) and car no drive no more!

Lmaoooo I just heard the jangling of a collar and my upstairs neighbor saying “AT AT! Not today!! Get yer ass inside” which means we are gonna be fast friends once the Freaks move in

The fact that Mitch McConnell has been dying in hospital for 8 days after spending a life ensuring that the healthcare system is as underfunded, inefficient and inaccessible as possible warms my heart A lot warmer than the morgue that crusty bitch is about to be in anyway

MY CAST IS SO ITCHY It comes off a week from tomorrow and I’m already fantasizing about scrubbing my arm absolutely raw with a bath mitt 🤤 (I’m also having horrible flashbacks of the crash now that my brain is like “ok we’re safe, time to ✨ remember ✨”) So let’s focus on the bath mitt instead!!!

Back on my bullshit but I steeled myself by wearing mascara and a little trophy wife outfit 💁‍♀️

I painted my fucking nails y’all 😭😭😭

I can’t stop thinking about this poem from the Widow’s Bay finale 😭

Spaying a stray cockroach with Raid and shouting I’M SORRY! YOU DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE A ROACH! I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE ME EITHER! I’M SO SORRY!

Housesitting for a couple days— Crou and Shew say hello 💕💕💕 (Maxine flipped me off and immediately laid down in my suitcase, directly on top of my black jeans)

Jump Scare! This Woman’s Instagram Algorithm Just Displayed Her Rapist Under “Suggested Follows For You”

I did my first curbside pickup grocery order this week bc food shopping with one hand is excruciating. It was super helpful— except that I asked for two gala apples and got the two mealiest, most disgusting RED DELICIOUS apples in the history of earth. I would genuinely rather eat a Tide Pod

The definitive point about this—to me at least—was one from @celebrityhottub.bsky.social, which is that, even in a state of sunbaked and sundowning minds from the effluvia of all points north, Florida mastered "having pool." Trump long lived among us, and his failure at pool will never be surpassed.

Asked my best friend today if I have an anxious attachment style and she was saying YES before I was done with the question 🙂

At the burlesque show yelling LEMME SEE

Incline walking on a treadmill at 2.7mph and I am about ready to d*e lmao I was running 5Ks every Sunday 6 weeks ago I am so fucking mad, all the time

Between starting PT today and typing a bit with my hand (with approval) my wrist and forearm are definitely swelling and sorer than a motherfucker 😃 Also, my PT had me try bending my thumb and it stared back at me blankly like YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!! and I started crying 😃 life’s rich tapestry!

Dying Cockroach! In The Shower

Bionic bitch checking in! I had my surgical follow-up and everything looks good. I did start sobbing when the cool alt x-ray tech took my splint off, which will haunt me forever, but it was surreal to see this weak, dirty little noodle where my regular arm should be. Now in the blue cast for 3 wks!

Last night was a movie if they made movies about a hot, incredibly kind firefighter cooking homemade chicken parm at my apartment and washing every single dish after 🥲 How is it real. Like how.

Welp!

My babies are visiting for a few hours today!!! 💕

God I miss working out and my body dysmorphia is kicking my ass despite knowing, with the exact same brain, that I had SURGERY nine days ago 🥴 thinking about trying a treadmill walk tomorrow, but everything still makes me so tired. This shit is fucking demoralizing

My kingdom for a Whataburger chicken strip basket with gravy AND bbq sauce

“this sucks” means something is bad. “this fucks” means something is good. “i suck and fuck” is a value-neutral statement of one’s skillset. forgot where i was going with this. real sleepy right now tbh

I really miss my girls 💔 they aren’t coming to live with me until I have two working arms, which makes sense but also feels like ass during an emotionally difficult time

And for my next trick, I will put on a duvet cover with one working arm and hand (I’m all moved in!!!)

tell them there’s a sex criminal in the building