Guess who’s back Back again Mary’s back and she’s truly outdone herself, I am actually laughing out loud so I don’t punch a hole in a wall Threading the new screenshot below

I hope tonight is the wettest blow-out diaper of a football game in the history of Miami In 200 years, when the city has been lost to the ocean due to climate change, I hope folks still look back and identify tonight as the worst thing that ever happened there Thank you for your time and FUCK MIAMI

It was a slow night at the minor league hockey game bc they put me and the girlies on the Jumbotron not once— not twice— but THREE times, despite (or possibly thanks to) us trying to start a “LET! THEM! KISS!” chant

I was 20 feet away from the lunchroom when the Fish Odor Du Jour hit me so hard that I literally gagged

if I may offer you a Crou and a Shew during this absolutely shit time

Starting 2 different movies and turning them off in favor of……… starting Heated Rivalry a third time

Saturday! At The Tiki Speakeasy

ICE is claiming that the officer feared that Renee Good was about to seriously injure or kill him at this moment.

sent @thetallblonde.bsky.social probably the 100th Heated Rivalry thirsty fan edit of the day and this is what she sent back, I’m actually cackling

He’s only had ten (10) years on the job to learn not to stand in front of cars— please be kind 😞

People still posting on twitter, I really hope the dopamine hit is worth being in the Nazi bar child porn machine and anyone decent thinking of you as the lowest sort of shit. And the ones here? Stop posting your twitter dunks? Because you're not the one looking good in those takes, far from it.

Only takes a second!

“introducing copilot in excel!” i will put us both in the hospital

My office has distributed a few anonymous surveys to “gauge interest” in the use of business AI and I’m responding to all of them, rating as low as possible across the board, and entering “I don’t use AI for anything and I never will unless it’s mandatory” in the comments 😃

remember to leave bullet casings out for ashli babbitt tonight ❤️❤️✝️

Just sent an email that included the phrase “I am confusin gmyself” and I was back to work last week so I don’t even have an excuse 🙂

cc @thelouvreof.bsky.social

This quarter’s security training is about how to spot and avoid gift card scams and all I can think about is the classic @stangleskid.bsky.social bit

Not me crying a little during gay hockey smut bc their chemistry?????? I’m not well (also, hungover)

Just found this in my phone from 12:45am 💀

I said I was enjoying my trip on the Brightline and was informed that it’s "like Amtrak, except with stupid TSA style coward theater" and that "in Europe, you can take the train almost anywhere without having your bag x-rayed"

the word that pushed me into Genius on today’s Spelling Bee was DILDO 💅

When there was only one set of tracks in the sand it’s cause I left you alone to deal with the problem.

See now, Carly understands how best to handle RFK Jr. Perfect. No notes.

Every day we stray further from God’s light

lil Tree Guy 🥹

She followed around a Parkland kid to harass him about how school shootings aren’t real, and her doing this shit propelled her to conspiracy internet fame then Congress. You do not have to hand it to her.

Forgot to post this pic of Jeff and Cashew where she looks like a wise forest creature 🥺

babe wake up, new Krampus just dropped

anybody else just immediately feel calmer when they get put back in their crate

I learned how to shuck oysters today!!! Gorgeous Apalachicola bbs 😍 (we were also doing a face mask don’t judge me)

Crouton, read the goddamn package

As always, @ginerso.bsky.social coming in clutch 👏👏👏

*Gene Belcher voice* I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!

1. I put on mascara for Christmas dinner 2. A former foster’s adopter (Peach!!!!) comments a precious family photo on the rescue’s Christmas post 3. Repeat

I’d also like to recommend a professional gift unwrapper. Don’t know where we’d be without Crouton:

Puppy Christmas fits: Cashew in a “dear Santa, I can explain” bandana, Crouton in an elf sweater + HoHoHo blanket (it’s an unsurvivable 60° outside; please pray for her) and Willow just happy to be here 🥰🎄❤️

Woman at the Publix deli yesterday asked if my mom and I were sisters. I have returned all of her presents bc I simply can’t compete with that 🎄

Happy Christmas Eve from FL 🎄❤️

Willow: hopeful for a nice Christmas Crouton: wanting a cookie Cashew: being visited by three Victorian ghosts and they’re all floating behind my head

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

I’m so lucky 🥹

Sitting at a rest stop and a cute toddler waved at me through my windshield. I waved back and Crouton, crated in the back seat and apparently psychic, could somehow tell that a child was nearby and started barking 💀

we are drunk at the Christmas market Jeff, as fantasy football commissioner, is handling an illegal attempted “let’s split the pot” proposal which was exposed by the proposee and about which everyone is FURIOUS

Backyard cosmos 🥰

I got a Labubu for Christmas 🥹

stopped into a cute looking brewery in middle-of-nowhere Florida and someone’s precious mom ordered a moscato and they brought it out in a PINT GLASS I’m going to sell my house and buy one here for $75,000