When you have a tooth extracted they instruct you not to smoke or drink through a straw but they just assume everyone knows no sucking dick. It should really be in the after care pamphlet ngl.

The timing on that escalator is too crazy. Someone flipped that switch at just the right moment. There’s some unsung hero in this world rn and I admire their constraint in not outing themselves for clout.

One more engine explosion and Jay Leno is gonna be driving around Burbank in a denim phantom of the opera mask. #jantom

The only thing I know for sure is that in the next like ten years or less we WILL get to see him dead.

I WTF it up on @marcmaron.bsky.social show tomorrow!!

There’s an ad break I frequently hear on podcasts that starts with “press pause on whatever you’re listening to and press play on…” bla bla bla, which I personally think should be an ILLEGAL way to start an commercial meant to go in a podcast.

Aside from a bit of pandering to the right, and a bit of brown nosing to his Disney employer I’m genie only pretty impressed by Kimmel’s monologue

I am deeply satisfied that I can now go back to not watching kimmel but at least making that decision myself

IIRC, if The Rapture really happens it’s honestly going to be great down here for a thousand years until everyone gets thrown into the lake of fire. A thousand years without these assholes! It’s actually a pretty good deal!

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I don’t think @scottaukerman.bsky.social gets enough credit. His TV show easily stacks up against shows like Tim & Eric or I Think You Should Leave, and his podcast is even better. He’s been giving his friends jobs for decades helping lift people into career jobs, all while being a silly fun dude.

I would like to announce that all of my mental health problems are cured because of being able to listen to Spontaneanation podcast by @pftompkins.bsky.social for the foreseeable future. Will go back to being mentally ill and unstable moment I run out of episodes. Thank you.

I AM BEHIND THE PAYWALL

The worst part about this app is how daily I see posts from democrats elevating Gavin Newsome, a centrist they believe could win some Republican votes in the next election, then when he loses they’ll blame the leftists who didn’t vote for him, and continue to be useless at resisting fascism.

So I know it’s yesterdays news but did you hear it’s officially not an act of terrorism to boof a billionaire in the noggin ? Huge development America what are you waiting for.

Fallon right now is the scared monkey meme when he should be either the cat or the woman in the angry cat fighting with the woman at a dining table meme. I would even settle for yellow suit guy scheming behind tree at this point. One things for sure he is not baby doing fist pump meme right now.

I need for @eliothochberg.bsky.social to know I liked that Cracker Barrel joke so much that I spoke out loud to my cat “now that’s good business”, before my hero, your boss, iced you on it. Pls I hope my humble opinion is vindicating for you. Note I have not tagged Jimmy in this post.

It is a truly unjust time in which I must debase myself by saying things like “I stand will Jimmy Kimmel”

The great thing for America and how it is behaving now is that historically we have seen these tactics always work and history never remembers the truth. Corrupt empires never topple and and their leaders never shamefully die a cowards death by suicide in some bunker somewhere. Thank goodness.

I find the lynching of black people and the mass shooting of homeless encampments much more disturbing than internet poisoned weirdos killing each other, personally

Feels like every time Booker is trending it’s because he did some peacock shit that does nothing to affect change. His long ass non-filibuster speech, now this scolding Patel with a - watch your back / I’ll pray for you vaguely threatening tone. Guy likes attention.

“No you stupid nazi monkey, shut the fuck up!” - me watching Indiana Jones

“The basket? That’s a stupid hiding spot. She should’ve gone with the tunic” - me watching Indiana Jones

“She should’ve come out in the guys tunic after bonking his noggin with the frying pan, then she would’ve never got caught” - me watching Indiana Jones

this is, hands down, the best video I've seen on men's influencer content and it's not close either

Space jam is basically just, what if who framed Roger rabbit was instead terrible and starring an asshole gambling addict.

I heard someone say getting all your info on Twitter is like being informed exclusively by a schizophrenic person yelling on the subway in NY. If true I choose to get my info from a hip by her standard but mostly out of touch 64 year old lady on a bus in Ohio wearing a Kamala hat. On bluesky.

Idk if it’s necessarily offensive because I honestly think both should feel extremely complimented to be compared to each other, but I once referred to Vanessa Bayer as “Kristen Schalmost”

I grew up without a fucking father - because he was a monster my mother took me away from. Idk what part of “two kids lost their father” is supposed to break my heart aside from the very brutal trauma of what they witnessed. Those kids are better off and I hope they know it someday.

My greatest skill on here is having exactly zero characters left at the end of a tweet. ………………’”..,,….,,,,,……………………(……..’……………………………………’”..,,….,,,,,……………………(……..’……………………,,, ………………’”..,,….,,,,,……………………(……..’……………………. ………………’”..,,….,,,,,……………………(……..’………………………………’”..,,….,,,,,……………………(……..’……………………

I didn’t watch the footage. I don’t ever want to SEE violence like that. I do however want people like that to cease to exist forever. We don’t mourn Nazis. We don’t mourn those who would rather see us die. Folk died in gun related deaths and little chukkie said “worth it”. He gladly chose this end.

Charlie Kirk killed himself.

Ok now do the rest of them

This instance is the ONLY time I agree with Charlie that it was worth it. The only time it’s been worth it. But definitely worth it.

I’m not American nor do I understand nationalism however if I did fly a flag I would EXTEND my mast and fly my flag EVEN HIGHER out of spite, coupled with my internal lack of the delusion that you have to pretend you be kind when horrible awful people who want you dead drop dead. Shoot him again.

I just realized ppl who know me IRL and from other platforms can see me post on bluesky, where I come to tailspin and crashout, because I still abide the ancient adage “Facebook js where I lie to my friends Twitter is where I tell the truth to strangers” - but this is not Twitter and i am not safe.

Huge day for David Bowie.

No one would be confused about what is happening here if they saw it in another country.

A lot of Americans are like “I will never forgive the people who voted for this” while flipping through headlines of Gen Z led revolution in which they burned down parliament and a ton of politicians homes and forced the president to resign and be like, “what can we do to stop this?l

I love my CBB world sub because today I randomly scrolled to an episode at whim and it turned out to be the introduction of both Sprague and Kayla Dickey. 2 insane moments of canon, just like that.

This guy is stabbing me in the face as a distraction

Do you think he’s coming for Illinois so hard because he didn’t care for that one sufjan album?

Do you think he’s coming for Illinois so hard because he sees Newsome as his biggest threat in the next election and he knows this will make Pritzker look good?

Some flamboyant 80 year old pedo grandpa is the DUMBEST possible super villain in this world like wtf are we doing.

After listening to one very recent episode of CBB, and one from over ten years ago I have decided that nobody has ever said the phrase “Lovable Lads from Liverpool” more than @scottaukerman.bsky.social

The main reason I know the straights are not okay is that so many of them are turned on by the pet names ‘wifey’ and ‘hubby’. The voluntary usage of these terms in day to day life, as well as in the bedroom must certainly be a sign of mental illness, sociopathy even.

“You can’t setup your own song and then sing it” - Lauren Lapkus @threedomusa.bsky.social

I picked the incredibly strategic time of Thursday around noonish to near silently drop my new album. Check it out on bandcamp!!! I am currently broke and facing both veterinary and dental bills so consider buying it if you have a few bucks🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 wearedawn.bandcamp.com/album/someth...