This just in: Satan has spoke out about the episode of South Park. While he appreciates the satire, he wants to make it clear his relationship with Trump still remains only professional.

Headline: raccoon with meth pipe in front seat of car pulled over in Ohio Me: well, at least my ex is staying busy.

Any man that flirts with me should automatically have to duel me. YOU WANT IN MY PANTS? FIGHT ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

Don’t be afraid to use a flattering angle, and slap a filter on, and take a smoke & mirrors selfie. Baby, if men can pretend to be decent human beings, we can pretend to be skinny and cute.

As a dad I believe it’s my duty to embarrass my kids every chance I get, whether it’s with bad dad dancing at family weddings, telling funny stories about them to their friends, or pointing to them as public proof that someone has had the sex with me at least 3 times.

Tired of trying to flirt with these men. I’m just gonna lay a tiddy on your shoulder. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.

Stocking up on clearance chocolate bunnies to bite their heads off every time a man pisses me off…is self care.

Reasons I should be the next Pope: Various hats will come in handy when I inevitably cut my own bangs again. Long flowing robes will give me an air of mystery. Does she still have a dump truck ass? Who can tell. But I bet she’s got some fajitas under there. Vatican City = New Vegas.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse, as far as the Pope/JD Vance speculation goes. But…last time I went on a date with a man wearing guyliner, I also wanted to immediately die.

Love on the Spectrum, but it’s just me trying to talk to men while violently dry heaving.

The sexual tension at my cat’s birthday party? Palpable.

This just in: Going by Angie “best tits in WV” Davis has got me little to no extra rewards at the local Sheetz.

I have a GED, a can do spirit, a great rack, and I’m always full of queso. That’s right, boys. I’m the whole package.

Decided to do some push-ups and now I’ve been laying face down on the concrete floor for three hours.

Sometimes friends are like: “you okay?” And I’m like: “just working through some stuff.” And all the while, the “stuff” is my lack of crab Rangoons.

Yes I’m cute and funny, but I still giggle when someone on TV says “duties.” So know that before you go falling in love with me, guys.

Working on a PowerPoint presentation about why men suck. Currently have 12,678 slides.

Look if salt works to keep away evil spirits and things, I don’t see why it won’t stop fuck boys from bothering me.

You want a beach body, I want a bog body. We are not the same.

Just over here doing shots of apple sauce from a thigh flask. Typical hot girl shit.

*writing in science journal* The muppets and Star Wars undies had no effect on men. I have adorned my Stranger Things undies and will document the results. The Wonder Woman undies shall remain “final boss stage” attire. … Wait, do they need to SEE the undies?! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

What your post failed to consider is me, a stranger with bad opinions

Men. Please stop putting string cheese on the ground under a big box held up by a stick to trap me. I will not be fooled for a 17th time.

When I put crispy Bugles on my fingers like long witch fingernails, that’s when I’m about to seduce you into making fucks.

Him: what that mouth do? Me: hurl swears at straight men, mostly.

It's raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

Stages of trying to sleep: I can get 8 hours I can still get 7 hours I can still get 6 hours I can still get 5 hours I can still get 4 hours I can still get 3 hours I can still get 2 hours I can still get 1 hour *falls asleep for 5 minutes* *alarm goes off *

Stop apologizing for: -taking a vacation. You work. Relax, rejuvenate. -buying yourself things. You’ve earned this. -eating a man’s dessert. Straight men don’t deserve sweet food. -developing an elaborate ruse to get straight men to buy more desserts. What? You can’t have a hobby?

I just want some chicken wings, old video games, and a dick attached to a man that doesn’t make me want to stick a fork in my brain and swirl it around.

Out of all the scary stuff going on in the world today, and so many of us worried about our way of life, I hope you’re taking a few quiet minutes a day to think about thick, beefy schlongs.

Friend: Queen, you are too good for these men you’re trying to get the attention of! Me through a mouthful of Doritos, with an action figure tucked into my bra: you know, I sensed that.

Tired of my friends and family acting like I don’t have goals and plans for the future. If luring men into the woods and using them for dark purposes isn’t plan enough, well I don’t know what to tell you, sport.

Pleased to report my boobs will continue to be a menace to all men, not just some of the men.

Stop suggesting dating apps. I have my own method for finding love.

Happy Steal the Souls of Single Peoples Day. While you’re spending time with your honey, I Hope you don’t accidentally get cursed by an ancient demi god who condemns you to have bad haircuts the rest of your life. Be a real shame.

I don’t have a Valentine. I have a series of unfortunate events.

Next year’s halftime show will just be me and my kazoo. Hope you’re happy with yourselves.

For Valentine’s Day your friends are going to post pics and comments that they’re in a relationship with the most beautiful, handsome, sexy person on the planet. And you have to NOT reply, “well where are they, cause all I see is a goofy looking mother fucker.” Good luck.

Maybe the dinosaurs voted for the asteroids.

I have taco socks. When I put on my taco socks I sing, to the tune of Macho Man, “Taco taco sockssss, I’m going to wear my taco socks.” Yes, I am single, why do you ask?

I don’t want a fancy dinner date for Valentine’s Day. I want a man to have a light saber battle with me. Maybe tell me I’m pretty and rub my butt, but mostly the light saber thing.

*Me if I were in a Godzilla movie* “STOP TRYING TO SAVE ME. MAYBE HE’S NOT THE MONSTER, MAYBE THE MONSTER IS ALL OF YOU! GODZILLA AND I ARE IN LOVE. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT THE HEART WANTS. WE WILL BE TOGETHER. WE WILL FUCK.” *and scene*

[sitting down to family dinner] Me: first off, I’d like to address my latest facebook controversy Wife: omg every night with this

Less than two weeks until Valentine’s Day, and if I- A plus sized, single, standup comedian with a heart of gold, but a bitter distrust of people- am not approached to star in a Hallmark movie about love, then I’m calling bullshit.

You get a random call from me in the middle of the night. It’s sounds of grunting and thrashing about 😳😳 OMG did Angie accidentally call me during sex? No, buddy. That is definitely me trying to pull the blanket out from under my cat’s fat ass.

It’s like dudes want to flirt with me, but none of them want to put on this damn Fox Mulder mask and investigate UFO sightings, and maybe my boobs.

I just destroyed the bathroom at Arby’s and Obama, Biden, nor the Democrats did ANYTHING to stop me. Typical.

I’m tired of men thinking I’m an easy mark, and not the thing screeching outside their window at 4am to lure them to an early demise.

Imagine me flirting with you. Wrong, picture me shaking my hair loose from a messy bun and along with the dramatic hair falling, so do several flaming hot Cheetos.