the people who don't believe scientific facts are the same people who don't believe video evidence.

is frigid.

Pick up the nearest book. Turn to page 42, and post the second sentence. “In other words, there's more than one way to go on an ego trip.”

right now the floor for me is abolish ICE and put every agent on trial and the average elected democrat is like what if we told them to cut it out

so my daughter left us all a lovely message in the bathroom mirror. 🥹

accurate

Your regular reminder that Republicans in Congress approve of what the President is doing.

yeah so is anyone in canada hiring executive assistants?

2026 is three weeks old and already Billy Joel could write an entire We Didn’t Start the Fire about it

truly had no clue that when you order extra honey cinnamon butter from texas roadhouse, they send you like a pound of it. I ain't mad about that.

oh god everyone is circling back

he is physically impossible to ignore. a little bit because his head is the weight of a watermelon and he plops it down on you with *purpose.*

my new years plans: counting down to the stranger things finale. in bed by like 10.

have officially achieved "if omelette made it, then yes, i will definitely eat it" status with my next-door neighbor.

my diet will now consist of exactly 50% chocolate and 50% cheese until at least january 2nd.

check on your type B friends, they haven't wrapped a single thing, and the reason for that is it's all still at the store.

google photos chose violence today because this was obviously YESTERDAY wtf 😭

okay, i knew his post on rob reiner was going to be insanely psychotic but holy FUCK

glad i shred my own cheese. let's make america grate again!

1. go to google.com 2. type in "stranger things" (without quotes) 3. click on the 20-sided die 4. smile

currently listening to the latest poor sap to get sucked into the never-ending web of my suite secretary's complete inability to grasp the body language social cue of slowly stepping away to escape and end the conversation as politely as possible. i'd try to save him...but i don't like him.

super excited to begin "let's circle back on this after the holidays" season. don't expect to get anything significant done prior to january 5 from here on out.

You’re so quiet. Hell yeah, bro.

could someone please tell them about tornados and blizzards and hailstorms and flooding because good lord.

the best kind of email to get from your kid's teacher. 😊

what up, my homies?

does it need more fruit?

have you considered not doing shit that will land you in prison?

those poor trains!

i tried.

sincerely hoping the extra hour this weekend gives people more time in their lives to wait to make a left turn.

could all of the car manufacturers please have a meeting and agree on which side of the steering wheel to put the volume control buttons?

You guys! There’s some excellent resources available here, including deescalation guides. Keep scrolling & and you’ll find links to them. www.nokings.org/host-toolkit

In some ways this has been the longest year in recorded history and in another equally accurate way January feels like yesterday

still true.

why does the grocery store seem to be constantly filled with people who have seemingly never been grocery shopping before and have no idea what they're doing?

still true.

i knew this day was coming! it felt like it took forever, but i finally received the guilt email from her. the "how can you be so hateful to keep your beautiful innocent children away from meee?!" message. 1. i am *protecting* them from hurt, as a mother should 2. this is also *their choice*

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

on the one hand, we have the healthcare thing, which REALLY SUCKS. on the other hand, we have a shutdown, which REALLY SUCKS. HOWEVER, it is literally in the project 2025 playbook that they WANT a shutdown so they can firmly go to FULL authoritarian. personally, i'd prefer NON-authoritarianism. 🤷‍♀️

still true

parents, make sure to thoroughly check your children's halloween candy this year for autism.