The Nutmeg News
@thenutmegnews.com
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Satire, Humor, Commentary - Not Real News, Really
Player Your Team Is Going To Sign Is Terrible
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2017...
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Player Your Team Is Going To Sign Is Terrible — The Nutmeg News
Despite their statistics, their former team, or their pedigree, the player your team is going to sign very soon is actually pretty terrible.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2017/6/28/player-your-team-is-going-to-sign-is-terrible
about 3 hours ago
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Soccer Fan More Aware Of Team Finances Than Own Finances
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Soccer Fan More Aware Of Team Finances Than Own Finances — The Nutmeg News
Miami, FL - Soccer fan Andrew Stewart is, according to friends and family, far more aware of the finances of the soccer team he supports than his own finances.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/21/soccer-fan-more-aware-of-team-finances-than-own-finances
2 days ago
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Jake
2 days ago
Well the Fire say they got money but are raising my STH price by $50 every year
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Danielle, the Teal Joker ︽✵︽
2 days ago
My bank account is none of my business The Current's however, is definitely my business.
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Trevor Wojcik (He, Him)
2 days ago
I take umbrage with this characterization. I know them both equally well.
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kyle
2 days ago
(Laughs nervously)
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Soccer Fan More Aware Of Team Finances Than Own Finances
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Soccer Fan More Aware Of Team Finances Than Own Finances — The Nutmeg News
Miami, FL - Soccer fan Andrew Stewart is, according to friends and family, far more aware of the finances of the soccer team he supports than his own finances.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/21/soccer-fan-more-aware-of-team-finances-than-own-finances
2 days ago
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Brendan Kearns
3 days ago
If you're going to subtweet me, dammit, at least get my name and club correct.
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"New Season, New Me," States Soccer Fan Still Relentlessly Shitposting Online
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"New Season, New Me," States Soccer Fan Still Relentlessly Shitposting Online — The Nutmeg News
NEW YORK - NYCFC fan Ceasar Delgado stated, “new season, new me,” while still relentlessly shitposting online and doing all the things he normally does as Major League Soccer inches closer to return.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/20/new-season-new-me-states-soccer-fan-still-relentlessly-shitposting-online
3 days ago
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"New Season, New Me," States Soccer Fan Still Relentlessly Shitposting Online
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"New Season, New Me," States Soccer Fan Still Relentlessly Shitposting Online — The Nutmeg News
NEW YORK - NYCFC fan Ceasar Delgado stated, “new season, new me,” while still relentlessly shitposting online and doing all the things he normally does as Major League Soccer inches closer to return.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/20/new-season-new-me-states-soccer-fan-still-relentlessly-shitposting-online
3 days ago
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Matthew Doyle
4 days ago
This is one of the 3% of Americans who understands why soccer matters.
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Area Man's Social Media Consists Solely Of Him Posting Nothing But, "HAALAND!!" When The Player Scores
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Area Man's Social Media Consists Solely Of Him Posting Nothing But, "HAALAND!!" When The Player Scores For The Past 4 Years — The Nutmeg News
Denver, CO - Friends of Justin Goodfellow noticed that his sole contribution to social media has consisted of him posting nothing but “HAALAND!!” when the player scores for the past 4 years.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/18/area-mans-social-media-consists-solely-of-him-posting-nothing-but-haaland-when-the-player-scores-for-the-past-4-years
4 days ago
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Area Man's Social Media Consists Solely Of Him Posting Nothing But, "HAALAND!!" When The Player Scores For The Past 4 Years
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Area Man's Social Media Consists Solely Of Him Posting Nothing But, "HAALAND!!" When The Player Scores For The Past 4 Years — The Nutmeg News
Denver, CO - Friends of Justin Goodfellow noticed that his sole contribution to social media has consisted of him posting nothing but “HAALAND!!” when the player scores for the past 4 years.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/18/area-mans-social-media-consists-solely-of-him-posting-nothing-but-haaland-when-the-player-scores-for-the-past-4-years
5 days ago
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Area Man's Social Media Consists Solely Of Him Posting Nothing But, "HAALAND!!" When The Player Scores For The Past 4 Years
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Area Man's Social Media Consists Solely Of Him Posting Nothing But, "HAALAND!!" When The Player Scores For The Past 4 Years — The Nutmeg News
Denver, CO - Friends of Justin Goodfellow noticed that his sole contribution to social media has consisted of him posting nothing but “HAALAND!!” when the player scores for the past 4 years.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/18/area-mans-social-media-consists-solely-of-him-posting-nothing-but-haaland-when-the-player-scores-for-the-past-4-years
5 days ago
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Season Ticket Renewal Event Reduced To Postcard That States, "Hey, Shitlord. Are You Renewing Or Not?"
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2019...
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Season Ticket Renewal Event Reduced To Postcard That States, "Hey, Shitlord. Are You Renewing Or Not?" — The Nutmeg News
Santa Rosa, CA - Exhausted after 20 years of trying to appease their season ticket holders, public relations executives for FC Santa Rosa Atletico United SC reportedly reduced their previous attempts ...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2019/10/3/season-ticket-renewal-event-reduced-to-postcard-that-states-hey-shitlord-are-you-renewing-or-not
5 days ago
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Area Man Establishes Dominance Over Local Soccer Fans By Waking Up At 7:30 IN THE MORNING For Manchester Derby
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Area Man Establishes Dominance Over Local Soccer Fans By Waking Up At 7:30 IN THE MORNING For Manchester Derby — The Nutmeg News
NEW YORK - Area soccer fan James Dupont stated that he was establishing dominance over local soccer fans by waking up at the EYE BLISTERING time of 7:30 in the morning to watch the Manchester Derby.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/area-man-establishes-dominance-over-local-soccer-fans-by-waking-up-at-730-in-the-morning-for-manchester-derby
6 days ago
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This fella understands why soccer matters, unlike MOST of you who aren't even GFOP.
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6 days ago
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Katherine
7 days ago
The amount of times I’ve done this only to then be caught full on staring at someone I do not recognize is embarrassing as hell
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Car With Soccer Team Sticker Not Driven By Known Friend
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2019...
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Car With Soccer Team Sticker Not Driven By Known Friend — The Nutmeg News
Minneapolis, MN - Wonderwall participant Dana Rovell reported, on Monday, that the Mazda 3 adorned with a Loons sticker at Bloomington and East 26th was not actually driven by a known friend as she ...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2019/4/8/car-with-soccer-team-sticker-not-driven-by-known-friend
7 days ago
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American Hopes To Pay Off $55,000 in Medical Debt By Flipping $18,400 World Cup Tickets He Purchased By Opening A High Interest Rate Credit Card
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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American Hopes To Pay Off $55,000 in Medical Debt By Flipping $18,400 World Cup Tickets He Purchased By Opening A High Interest Rate Credit Card — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - Soccer fan David Williams stated that he hopes to pay off his $55,000 of medical debt by flipping the $18,400 World Cup tickets he purchased on the secondary market by opening a high inte...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/american-hopes-to-pay-off-55000-in-medical-debt-by-flipping-18400-world-cup-tickets-he-purchased-by-opening-a-high-interest-rate-credit-card
8 days ago
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Area Man Establishes Dominance Over Local Soccer Fans By Waking Up At 7:30 IN THE MORNING For Manchester Derby
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Area Man Establishes Dominance Over Local Soccer Fans By Waking Up At 7:30 IN THE MORNING For Manchester Derby — The Nutmeg News
NEW YORK - Area soccer fan James Dupont stated that he was establishing dominance over local soccer fans by waking up at the EYE BLISTERING time of 7:30 in the morning to watch the Manchester Derby.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/area-man-establishes-dominance-over-local-soccer-fans-by-waking-up-at-730-in-the-morning-for-manchester-derby
8 days ago
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ICE Officer Has That Dream, Again, Where He Is Unable To Open Fire On World Cup Fan
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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ICE Officer Has That Dream, Again, Where He Is Unable To Open Fire On World Cup Fan — The Nutmeg News
WISCOSIN - ICE agent Dale Masterton had that dream, again, where he is unable to open fire on a World Cup soccer fan after the confused person didn’t speak English, was unable to produce immigration p...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/ice-officer-has-that-dream-again-where-he-is-unable-to-open-fire-on-world-cup-fan
8 days ago
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American Hopes To Pay Off $55,000 in Medical Debt By Flipping $18,400 World Cup Tickets He Purchased By Opening A High Interest Rate Credit Card
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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American Hopes To Pay Off $55,000 in Medical Debt By Flipping $18,400 World Cup Tickets He Purchased By Opening A High Interest Rate Credit Card — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - Soccer fan David Williams stated that he hopes to pay off his $55,000 of medical debt by flipping the $18,400 World Cup tickets he purchased on the secondary market by opening a high inte...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/american-hopes-to-pay-off-55000-in-medical-debt-by-flipping-18400-world-cup-tickets-he-purchased-by-opening-a-high-interest-rate-credit-card
8 days ago
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There is a vast digital underground for three percenters, just reach out for a chapter near you.
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8 days ago
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Jason Davis
8 days ago
Shocked James doesn't call it football like a proper fan.
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Area Man Establishes Dominance Over Local Soccer Fans By Waking Up At 7:30 IN THE MORNING For Manchester Derby
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Area Man Establishes Dominance Over Local Soccer Fans By Waking Up At 7:30 IN THE MORNING For Manchester Derby — The Nutmeg News
NEW YORK - Area soccer fan James Dupont stated that he was establishing dominance over local soccer fans by waking up at the EYE BLISTERING time of 7:30 in the morning to watch the Manchester Derby.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/area-man-establishes-dominance-over-local-soccer-fans-by-waking-up-at-730-in-the-morning-for-manchester-derby
8 days ago
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ICE Officer Has That Dream, Again, Where He Is Unable To Open Fire On World Cup Fan
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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ICE Officer Has That Dream, Again, Where He Is Unable To Open Fire On World Cup Fan — The Nutmeg News
WISCOSIN - ICE agent Dale Masterton had that dream, again, where he is unable to open fire on a World Cup soccer fan after the confused person didn’t speak English, was unable to produce immigration p...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/15/ice-officer-has-that-dream-again-where-he-is-unable-to-open-fire-on-world-cup-fan
8 days ago
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Supporter In Local Grocery Store Narrowly Avoids Talking To Stranger He Recognizes From Game
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
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Supporter In Local Grocery Store Narrowly Avoids Talking To Stranger He Recognizes From Game — The Nutmeg News
Bloomington, MN - Minnesota United supporter Gunnar Svenson stated that, as he shopped at the Cub Foods on Lyndale Ave, he narrowly avoided talking to a stranger that he recognized from recent Minneso...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018/10/31/supporter-in-local-grocery-store-narrowly-avoids-talking-to-stranger-he-recognizes-from-game
9 days ago
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"We’re Not Your Average Supporters' Group,” Says Board Member Of Your Average Supporters Group'
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2020...
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"We’re Not Your Average Supporters' Group,” Says Board Member Of Your Average Supporters Group' — The Nutmeg News
"We're not your average supporters’ group," stated board member Zack Williams of your average supporters’ group. “We watch other supporters’ groups do lame T.I.F.O and chants, but that isn’t our style...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2020/8/25/were-not-your-average-supporters-group-says-board-member-of-your-average-supporters-group?rq=supporter
10 days ago
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Mark Wade, CPA, MST, YNWA, DCTID, YMMVđźŚđźĄŁ
17 days ago
If I ever see one at Keyworth, it is so on that things will become very much like Donkey Kong. I am ready to hand the parent $50 at that point. They'll probably just nod "no" while mouthing the words "thank you".
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Chris Houck
18 days ago
One of my favorite
#Crew96
related posts.
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OPINION: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee And Watch the Joy Drain From Their Eyes
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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OPINION: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee And Watch the Joy Drain From Their Eyes — The Nutmeg News
This opinion piece was sent to The Nutmeg News by Matt G of Bluesky: Dear The Nutmeg News: I Want To Snap Your Child's Vuvuzela Over My Knee and Watch the Joy Drain from their Eyes. Sincere...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/8/6/opinion-i-want-to-snap-your-childs-vuvuzela-over-my-knee-and-watch-the-joy-drain-from-their-eyes?rq=vuvuzela
18 days ago
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We finally fixed an issue that happened with our Nutmeg News Facebook page. Our admins have the page back up and running again. Thank you for your patience.
18 days ago
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FIFA Announce That All Venezuelan Players Are Now Eligible For USMNT
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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FIFA Announce That All Venezuelan Players Are Now Eligible For USMNT — The Nutmeg News
FIFA (the international money laundering organization) announced, today, that all Venezuelan players were now eligible for the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) per a new rule in the laws of t...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/3/fifa-announce-that-all-venezuelan-players-are-now-eligible-for-usmnt
20 days ago
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"No one has ever exemplified the duplicity and pernicious rat-fucking that FIFA does on an international level better than the President of the United States.” - FIFA
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20 days ago
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FIFA Announce That All Venezuelan Players Are Now Eligible For USMNT
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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FIFA Announce That All Venezuelan Players Are Now Eligible For USMNT — The Nutmeg News
FIFA (the international money laundering organization) announced, today, that all Venezuelan players were now eligible for the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) per a new rule in the laws of t...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/3/fifa-announce-that-all-venezuelan-players-are-now-eligible-for-usmnt
20 days ago
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Don Baldwin, Everyday Anti-fascist
20 days ago
"Sources say that Trump was awarded the Ribbon of War at a private event after which the team broke for orange slices and nap time."
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Grace Ott
20 days ago
Oh this is goooood
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"No one has ever exemplified the duplicity and pernicious rat-fucking that FIFA does on an international level better than the President of the United States.” - FIFA
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20 days ago
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FIFA Awards President Trump 2026 FIFA War Prize
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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FIFA Awards President Trump 2026 FIFA War Prize — The Nutmeg News
FIFA (the international money laundering organization) announced that President Donald Trump was awarded the newly created 2026 FIFA War Prize after his air strikes, incursion and coup overnight in Ve...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/3/fifa-awards-president-trump-2026-fifa-war-prize
20 days ago
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Owl with a Bowtie, Certified Meal Haver
30 days ago
Come for the FIFA bashing. Stay for the fash US government and tech bashing.
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Alex
30 days ago
lol omg
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Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans — The Nutmeg News
NORTH POLE - Santa Claus, the kindly spirit of Christmas, has reportedly filed for bankruptcy after attempting to fulfill the wishes for tickets to World Cup 2026 from World Cup fans.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/22/santa-claus-files-for-bankruptcy-after-attempting-to-fulfill-the-ticket-wishes-of-world-cup-fans
30 days ago
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Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video"
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video" — The Nutmeg News
UNITED STATES - An unnamed international soccer player reportedly qualified for the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) High impact Player (HIP) designation (designation) by having a, “really cool T...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/23/soccer-player-qualifies-for-nwsl-hip-designation-by-having-really-cool-tik-tok-video
about 1 month ago
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Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video"
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video" — The Nutmeg News
UNITED STATES - An unnamed international soccer player reportedly qualified for the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) High impact Player (HIP) designation (designation) by having a, “really cool T...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/23/soccer-player-qualifies-for-nwsl-hip-designation-by-having-really-cool-tik-tok-video
about 1 month ago
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Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video"
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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Soccer Player Qualifies For NWSL HIP Designation By Having, "Really Cool Tik Tok Video" — The Nutmeg News
UNITED STATES - An unnamed international soccer player reportedly qualified for the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) High impact Player (HIP) designation (designation) by having a, “really cool T...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/23/soccer-player-qualifies-for-nwsl-hip-designation-by-having-really-cool-tik-tok-video
about 1 month ago
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Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans — The Nutmeg News
NORTH POLE - Santa Claus, the kindly spirit of Christmas, has reportedly filed for bankruptcy after attempting to fulfill the wishes for tickets to World Cup 2026 from World Cup fans.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/22/santa-claus-files-for-bankruptcy-after-attempting-to-fulfill-the-ticket-wishes-of-world-cup-fans
about 1 month ago
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Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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Santa Claus Files For Bankruptcy After Attempting To Fulfill The Ticket Wishes Of World Cup Fans — The Nutmeg News
NORTH POLE - Santa Claus, the kindly spirit of Christmas, has reportedly filed for bankruptcy after attempting to fulfill the wishes for tickets to World Cup 2026 from World Cup fans.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/22/santa-claus-files-for-bankruptcy-after-attempting-to-fulfill-the-ticket-wishes-of-world-cup-fans
about 1 month ago
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Family Announces VAR Will Mediate Holiday Disputes
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2019...
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Family Announces VAR Will Mediate Holiday Disputes — The Nutmeg News
Seattle, WA - The Thompsons, of the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle, announced today that all holiday disputes would now be judged by VAR as they finished the installation of high framerate video...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2019/12/18/family-announces-var-will-mediate-holiday-disputes?rq=holiday
about 1 month ago
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FIFA Backtrack On World Cup Ticket Prices As They Announce 1 Obstructed View $60 Ticket Per Game Available For Purchase For Anyone Willing To Wear ICE GPS Tracking Device 24/7
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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FIFA Backtrack On World Cup Ticket Prices As They Announce 1 Obstructed View $60 Ticket Per Game Available For Purchase For Anyone Willing To Wear ICE GPS Tracking Device 24/7 — The Nutmeg News
UNITED STATES - The international money laundering cartel FIFA announced, on Tuesday, that they were backtracking on their ticket prices as they announced 1 obstructed view $60 ticket available for pu...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/12/16/fifa-backtrack-on-world-cup-ticket-prices-as-they-announce-1-obstructed-view-60-ticket-per-game-available-for-purchase-for-anyone-willing-to-wear-ice-gps-tracking-device-247
about 1 month ago
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