The Nutmeg News
@thenutmegnews.com
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Satire, Humor, Commentary - Not Real News, Really
"No New Players Until You Figure Out How To Play Better," Rants Irate Joey Saputo To Montreal Staff
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"No New Players Until You Figure Out How To Play Better," Rants Irate Joey Saputo To Montreal Staff — The Nutmeg News
Bologna, IT - An irate Joey Saputo reportedly ranted, “No new players until you figure out how to play better,” to the Montreal Impact staff as he struck back at the, “loafing freeloaders who are not ...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/13/no-new-players-until-you-figure-out-how-to-play-better-rants-irate-joey-saputo-to-montreal-staff
15 days ago
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Brian
21 days ago
It me.
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FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking)
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking) — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup gam...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/7/fifa-prepares-fallout-foursome-funpack-ticket-offer-for-the-low-price-of-15000-without-parking
21 days ago
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Jason Davis
21 days ago
Excited to see which former US international-turned-pundit is hawking this incredible deal!
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FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking)
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking) — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup gam...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/7/fifa-prepares-fallout-foursome-funpack-ticket-offer-for-the-low-price-of-15000-without-parking
21 days ago
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"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon — The Nutmeg News
PHILADELPHIA - Union fan Ray Hewitt stated, “At least I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the season,” as he tried to find the bright side of possible nuclear Armageddon this Tuesday.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/7/at-least-i-wouldnt-have-to-watch-the-rest-of-the-season-states-philadelphia-union-fan-finding-the-bright-side-of-possible-nuclear-armageddon
21 days ago
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John Parker
21 days ago
I’m seen
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"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon — The Nutmeg News
PHILADELPHIA - Union fan Ray Hewitt stated, “At least I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the season,” as he tried to find the bright side of possible nuclear Armageddon this Tuesday.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/7/at-least-i-wouldnt-have-to-watch-the-rest-of-the-season-states-philadelphia-union-fan-finding-the-bright-side-of-possible-nuclear-armageddon
21 days ago
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A Harrison
23 days ago
Every long-time supporters group member who now sits in the upper supporters' group rows/sections reading this:
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Braedon
23 days ago
I'm a zoomer, and I got this reference.
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Danielle, the Teal Joker ︽✵︽
24 days ago
It's me, the elder fan
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Owl with a Bowtie, Certified Meal Haver
23 days ago
Grandpa’s the name
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Ryan Rosenblatt, Back to Back World Series Champ
23 days ago
I regret to confirm that I did this two weeks ago
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Regs Benedict
23 days ago
I'm in this picture and I don't like it đź«Ł
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Gab
24 days ago
I’ve been hit.
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Elder NWSL Fan Drunkenly Relates The Story Of MagicJack To Spellbound Audience Of Zoomer Soccer Fans
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Elder NWSL Fan Drunkenly Relates The Story Of MagicJack To Spellbound Audience Of Zoomer Soccer Fans — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - An Elder NWSL fan was found drunkenly relating the story Of MagicJack to a spellbound audience of zoomer soccer fans as the story of Dan Borislow’s hubris began to take shape.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/4/elder-nwsl-fan-drunkenly-relates-the-story-of-magicjack-to-spellbound-audience-of-zoomer-soccer-fans
24 days ago
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DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon —...
WASHINGTON - DC Soccer Fan Steve Williams stated that he wasn’t certain if the $139 CryptoBananas Unobstructed View upgrade available to purchase would clash with his $179 Coca-Cola 4D World Cup Exper...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/2/dc-soccer-fan-uncertain-if-139-cryptocash-unobstructed-view-upgrade-will-clash-with-179-coca-cola-4d-experience-brought-to-you-by-hyundai-at-89-a-ticket-world-cup-party-brought-to-you-by-raytheon
25 days ago
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MoreartbyBrentAMoore
25 days ago
"To and from the experience” Synopsis of now till July 19.
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DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon —...
WASHINGTON - DC Soccer Fan Steve Williams stated that he wasn’t certain if the $139 CryptoBananas Unobstructed View upgrade available to purchase would clash with his $179 Coca-Cola 4D World Cup Exper...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/2/dc-soccer-fan-uncertain-if-139-cryptocash-unobstructed-view-upgrade-will-clash-with-179-coca-cola-4d-experience-brought-to-you-by-hyundai-at-89-a-ticket-world-cup-party-brought-to-you-by-raytheon
26 days ago
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David Beffert
26 days ago
I appreciate Nutmeg News waiting until April 2 to publish so that this story gets the consideration it deserves.
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DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon —...
WASHINGTON - DC Soccer Fan Steve Williams stated that he wasn’t certain if the $139 CryptoBananas Unobstructed View upgrade available to purchase would clash with his $179 Coca-Cola 4D World Cup Exper...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/2/dc-soccer-fan-uncertain-if-139-cryptocash-unobstructed-view-upgrade-will-clash-with-179-coca-cola-4d-experience-brought-to-you-by-hyundai-at-89-a-ticket-world-cup-party-brought-to-you-by-raytheon
26 days ago
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United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory — The Nutmeg News
Atlanta, GA - The United States Men’s National Team (USMT) announced today that they will end the Portugal game that was started on the 31st of March 2026 with a 0-2 Victory as they stated, “we’ve got...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/1/united-states-mens-national-team-announce-they-will-end-portugal-game-after-0-2-victory
27 days ago
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United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory — The Nutmeg News
Atlanta, GA - The United States Men’s National Team (USMT) announced today that they will end the Portugal game that was started on the 31st of March 2026 with a 0-2 Victory as they stated, “we’ve got...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/4/1/united-states-mens-national-team-announce-they-will-end-portugal-game-after-0-2-victory
27 days ago
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God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
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God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans — The Nutmeg News
LOS ANGELES - God, the almighty American business god, admitted that he can’t focus on helping the poor, destitute and immigrant communities in the world until he finishes coordinating his response to...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025/6/12/god-admits-he-cant-focus-on-helping-poor-destitute-and-immigrant-communities-until-he-finishes-coordinating-2026-world-cup-prayers-by-usmnt-fans
about 1 month ago
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FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
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FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues — The Nutmeg News
Zurich, CH - After the final announcement was made regarding the destination of the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) indicated that they hoped the World Cup...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018/6/13/fifa-hopes-world-cup-spotlight-will-force-united-states-to-resolve-human-rights-issues
about 1 month ago
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FIFA Awards President Trump 2026 FIFA War Prize
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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FIFA Awards President Trump 2026 FIFA War Prize — The Nutmeg News
FIFA (the international money laundering organization) announced that President Donald Trump was awarded the newly created 2026 FIFA War Prize after his air strikes, incursion and coup overnight in Ve...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/1/3/fifa-awards-president-trump-2026-fifa-war-prize
about 1 month ago
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Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
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Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume — The Nutmeg News
Tampa, FL - Earlier this year, The Nutmeg News reported on Orlando Pride fan Heather Pulaski who was waiting for the Orlando Pride v Seattle Reign stream to resume after riding out Hurricane Irma.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018/1/10/orlando-pride-fan-still-still-waiting-for-go90-stream-to-resume
about 1 month ago
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David Beffert
about 1 month ago
I just learned today that something called Victory+ exists. *deep sigh*
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NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games — The Nutmeg News
Kansas City, KS - Current fan Jessica Williams stated that she was excited to start another season of trying to figure out how to watch games as the soccer fan ensured she was paid up on her subscript...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/13/nwsl-fan-ready-to-start-another-season-of-trying-to-figure-out-how-to-watch-games
about 1 month ago
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soccer watcher
about 2 months ago
ME ATM.
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Willow, but not Vamp Willow
about 2 months ago
I am in this picture and I do not like it .GIF
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Grace Ott
about 2 months ago
What the hell is Victory+?!
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This Week In Women's Soccer
about 2 months ago
it's like modding Skyrim, the goal isn't the game, the goal is the process
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NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games — The Nutmeg News
Kansas City, KS - Current fan Jessica Williams stated that she was excited to start another season of trying to figure out how to watch games as the soccer fan ensured she was paid up on her subscript...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/13/nwsl-fan-ready-to-start-another-season-of-trying-to-figure-out-how-to-watch-games
about 2 months ago
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Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
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about 2 months ago
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NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games — The Nutmeg News
Kansas City, KS - Current fan Jessica Williams stated that she was excited to start another season of trying to figure out how to watch games as the soccer fan ensured she was paid up on her subscript...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/13/nwsl-fan-ready-to-start-another-season-of-trying-to-figure-out-how-to-watch-games
about 2 months ago
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United States Soccer Federation Explores "Total War" Option Of Eliminating Teams From The 2026 World Cup
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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United States Soccer Federation Explores "Total War" Option Of Eliminating Teams From The 2026 World Cup — The Nutmeg News
CHICAGO - With the elimination of Iran from the 2026 World Cup, the United States Soccer Federation (USSF), reportedly, is exploring a “total war” option of eliminating teams from the tournament.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/11/united-states-soccer-federation-explores-total-war-option-of-eliminating-teams-from-the-2026-world-cup
about 2 months ago
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United States Soccer Federation Explores "Total War" Option Of Eliminating Teams From The 2026 World Cup
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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United States Soccer Federation Explores "Total War" Option Of Eliminating Teams From The 2026 World Cup — The Nutmeg News
CHICAGO - With the elimination of Iran from the 2026 World Cup, the United States Soccer Federation (USSF), reportedly, is exploring a “total war” option of eliminating teams from the tournament.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/11/united-states-soccer-federation-explores-total-war-option-of-eliminating-teams-from-the-2026-world-cup
about 2 months ago
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United States Soccer Federation Explores "Total War" Option Of Eliminating Teams From The 2026 World Cup
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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United States Soccer Federation Explores "Total War" Option Of Eliminating Teams From The 2026 World Cup — The Nutmeg News
CHICAGO - With the elimination of Iran from the 2026 World Cup, the United States Soccer Federation (USSF), reportedly, is exploring a “total war” option of eliminating teams from the tournament.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/11/united-states-soccer-federation-explores-total-war-option-of-eliminating-teams-from-the-2026-world-cup
about 2 months ago
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Legacy Of Supporters Shield Falters As Scientists Indicate It Would Fail To Protect Against A Trebuchet Attack
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2021...
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Legacy Of Supporters Shield Falters As Scientists Indicate It Would Fail To Protect Against A Trebuchet Attack — The Nutmeg News
Cambridge, MA - The legacy of the Supporter’s Shield faltered, today, as scientists with Harvard University indicated that the shield would fail to protect against a common Trebuchet attack as they vi...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2021/10/27/legacy-of-supporters-shield-falters-as-scientists-indicate-it-would-fail-to-protect-against-a-trebuchet-attack
about 2 months ago
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Legacy Of Supporters Shield Falters As Scientists Indicate It Would Fail To Protect Against A Trebuchet Attack
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2021...
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Legacy Of Supporters Shield Falters As Scientists Indicate It Would Fail To Protect Against A Trebuchet Attack — The Nutmeg News
Cambridge, MA - The legacy of the Supporter’s Shield faltered, today, as scientists with Harvard University indicated that the shield would fail to protect against a common Trebuchet attack as they vi...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2021/10/27/legacy-of-supporters-shield-falters-as-scientists-indicate-it-would-fail-to-protect-against-a-trebuchet-attack
about 2 months ago
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Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint"
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
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Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint" — The Nutmeg News
St Louis, MO - According to a hastily worded voicemail message left on supporter's group member Dontrell Williams phone, Robert Henry of St. Louis has, "a lot of things going on right now, but ke...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018/8/9/man-has-a-lot-of-things-going-on-right-now-but-keep-me-in-mind-the-next-time-you-paint
about 2 months ago
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Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint"
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
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Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint" — The Nutmeg News
St Louis, MO - According to a hastily worded voicemail message left on supporter's group member Dontrell Williams phone, Robert Henry of St. Louis has, "a lot of things going on right now, but ke...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018/8/9/man-has-a-lot-of-things-going-on-right-now-but-keep-me-in-mind-the-next-time-you-paint
about 2 months ago
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"Who Could've Foreseen This?!" States Official MLS Betting App
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"Who Could've Foreseen This?!" States Official MLS Betting App — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - The official Major League Soccer (MLS) betting application registered their shock and dismay at two players being banned for life from the league for betting on MLS games as they stated, “w...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/9/who-couldve-foreseen-this-states-official-mls-betting-app
about 2 months ago
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"Who Could've Foreseen This?!" States Official MLS Betting App
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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"Who Could've Foreseen This?!" States Official MLS Betting App — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - The official Major League Soccer (MLS) betting application registered their shock and dismay at two players being banned for life from the league for betting on MLS games as they stated, “w...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/9/who-couldve-foreseen-this-states-official-mls-betting-app
about 2 months ago
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Inter Miami Remain Non-Committal On A Land War In Iran
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Inter Miami Remain Non-Committal On A Land War In Iran — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - Soccer team Inter Miami reportedly remain non-committal on a land war in Iran as part of their hospitality visit to the White House on Thursday as the club took center stage as the Presid...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/5/inter-miami-remain-non-committal-on-a-land-war-in-iran
about 2 months ago
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Commissioner Garber Visits President Of The United States To Lobby For Vacant Ayatollah Position
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Commissioner Garber Visits President Of The United States To Lobby For Vacant Ayatollah Position — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - Commissioner Don Garber was reportedly in Washington D.C. to lobby for the newly vacant Ayatollah position.
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/5/commissioner-garber-visits-president-of-the-united-states-to-lobby-for-vacant-ayatollah-position
about 2 months ago
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Emergence Of First Right Wing Soccer Club In The USA Has Major League Soccer Trumpeting Inter Miami As A New Benchmark
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Emergence Of First Right Wing Soccer Club In The USA Has Major League Soccer Trumpeting Inter Miami As A New Benchmark — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - The emergence of Inter Miami being the United States first right wing soccer club reportedly has Major League Soccer (MLS) trumpeting the success as a new benchmark achieved in penetratin...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/5/emergence-of-first-right-wing-soccer-club-in-the-usa-has-major-league-soccer-trumpeting-inter-miami-as-a-new-benchmark
about 2 months ago
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Don Baldwin, Everyday Anti-fascist
about 2 months ago
So Messi plays the Real Madrid of MLS.
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Emergence Of First Right Wing Soccer Club In The USA Has Major League Soccer Trumpeting Inter Miami As A New Benchmark
www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
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Emergence Of First Right Wing Soccer Club In The USA Has Major League Soccer Trumpeting Inter Miami As A New Benchmark — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - The emergence of Inter Miami being the United States first right wing soccer club reportedly has Major League Soccer (MLS) trumpeting the success as a new benchmark achieved in penetratin...
https://www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026/3/5/emergence-of-first-right-wing-soccer-club-in-the-usa-has-major-league-soccer-trumpeting-inter-miami-as-a-new-benchmark
about 2 months ago
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