contemplating not sleeping at all... hmm... hmmmmmmmmmmm...

MY HUSBAND IS AN ANT REAL TRUE STORIES TONIGHT ON I MARRIED A BUG

Violence

getting off my shift at the Cum Factory only to go home and drink 5 million beers

inventing a shower for weird sickos called the Shamwower

inventing a shower that's not woke called showim

taking a shower at 10:12pm will fix me

buzzfeed worst drugs ranking 1-alcohol 2-nutmeg 3-looking directly at the sun until you become delirious 4-various venoms 5-love

i'm kind of just like the Tyrannosaurus Rex in the way sceintists find new evidence year after year of how freaking beast I am

Calling your bitch and laughing on the Toad Phone

PRISONER 1: ...and then he just straight up exploded, it was crazy. PRISONER 2: oh, wow. PRISONER 1: Heh, yeah. So... What are you in here for? PRISONER 2: (winces and looks away) I caught... my lover... (winces) I caught my lover on the Toad Phone talking with a bitch. P2: .... P2: The what?

i'm normal now 🎉🎉🎉 let's talk about country music and how twerking should be a death penalty offense

cream of wheat fixed me

I'm the Joey Chestnut of Russian Roulette if hot dogs were like bullets entering my skull

leaving the Russian Roulette tournament with 3 holes in my skull and instantly bleeding out the moment I turn the key in my car on

no one has been able to beat my high score in Russian Roulette. no one has even come close to my numbers

just woke up i am so fucking excited to eat some Creamed Wheat

i was also in a plane accident and also other stuff

I'm the Joey Chestnut of Russian Roulette if hot dogs were like bullets entering my skull

leaving the Russian Roulette tournament with 3 holes in my skull and instantly bleeding out the moment I turn the key in my car on

no one has been able to beat my high score in Russian Roulette. no one has even come close to my numbers

sorry, the only game downloaded onto my gun is Russian Roulette :/

tricking snakeroot into listening to Death Grips >:)

my boss just saw this post and fired me on the spot guys what the hell please help wait

just found out I got mercury poisoning from all the pussy i've been eating. becsuse get it like fish

we are the children of the Tradwives that you couldn't burn

the first person to invent a way to smoke 1 million cigarettes without dying will be the world's first trillionaire, and also the Antichrist,

hey, does your gun have any games? can i see 👉👈

screen to play games on a vape? whatever, old news. screen to play games on a gun, however, 😱🥳🎉🤣😋🎉🥰

if a tree hits the griddy in the forest and no one is around to see it did it really hit the griddy or ?

(graffitti found on wall): WHO RIZZES THE RIZZLERS❓

Wow. Just freaked my first one hundred. Feeling incredibly blessed to have made it this far. Thank you to everyone who helped me freak this, it took the dedication and care of such a large community to drop these bands and get this first one hundred freaked. I wouldn't be anywhere without you all.

i sent a moji

I just hired a woman. That's right, Feminism is Back, baby

asking the uber driver if he can put my music on youtu.be/IZAIrbonUcA?...

my mensa app horoscope just called me fat broke and gay all because I mistook a rectangle as a square

IQ just determines how good you are at solving IQ puzzles, it is not an actual determination of intelligence. please don't make yourself feel bad about it

i don't want to be a person today

i tried to join Mensa in high school to get scholarships but my dad got mad it cost money so I never did

my stomach hurts and the room is spinning. Good morning, everyone!

i was the weird kid in high school and I studied Russian as a 0 hour class simply because everyone told me it was the hardest language. it's not

i must retire to my study, goodnight fair maidens

In the labyrinth with a crumpled bouquet & ill fitted creased ass suit reeking of sweat and desperation begging the minotaur for just one crumb of pussy

and I just can't look, it's killing me

i'm being facetious rn guys

hey siri how to perform satanic ritual 15 minutes easy cleanup ingredients found in random cupboards strewn across my house

drowning in alcohol won't bring her back. But a satanic ritual just might-

love and joy found dead in hotel room 7768 Englewood Dr at 9:54pm

I have nothing to say at this time but if that changes I will let you know 👍

What the hell is wrong with the kids today?!? I just had to explain to 2 teenagers and 1 young adult how to properly do a whippet 🙄🙄🙄