Report: That’s Enough Soccer For Now https://theonion.com/report-thats-enough-soccer-for-now/

Nooo!!

Vet's Office: Thanks for scheduling! Date & time, see you then! VO: Just a friendly reminder about your appt this week! VO: There's an appointment. It's yours. Do you remember? VO: The appt is tomorrow. The appt is tomorrow. VO: LO, THE APPOINTED TIME & DATE IS UPON US! check in at the desk

Alive and/or dead, Schrodinger's cat has one factor that McConnell allegedly does not: it's definitely in a box Even up the playing field, I say. If he's alive, well, we'll find that out when the box is opened (in 4000 years)

i requested one (1) roll of chocolate caramels at $1.50 my grocery delivery came w/ (and charged me for) $8 of peanut butter candy instead i called cs & said "i ordered a $1.50 item and it's been subbed w/an $8 one. Can we remove that?" IMMEDIATELY, "oh, the candy. Yeah, I'll remove it." Thx, ma!

i be letting strangers get under my skin ugh

Personally I think we haven’t made fun of the genital police enough, that they should be afraid to leave their houses because of their all consuming, nasty obsession with what’s in people’s pants

You'll Never Cross The Same River Twice

feeling kind of guilty for spending the whole day getting coffee & going for a walk at the trail & reading books (digger & grave birds) & playing with the kittens & napping in the sun i missed out on so much scrolling, so much doom

They remodeled our local dog park/walking trail recently. Added a playground and a pavilion I was skeptical, but it's actually lovely! The kids have a fun place to play that's away from the leash-off dog field, and neither are running around the trail proper How fortunate I am to have such a jewel

I thought I was reading a spooky book, so I'm gonna be really disappointed if it turns out to be a kissing book

I wonder what it's like for the cats to hear the fire engine go past like they can hear that there's a screaming monster outside the house but nobody says boo about it

Don't like "USians" as a substitute for "Americans" It wouldn't make sense to call us United Statesians aloud. We don't call ourselves that The country of Mexico is actually named the United Mexican States, which means we aren't even the only US in North America

I hate Texas, for good reason, but Tennessee can get ALL THE WAY fucked. It tried to kill me in Hurricane Mills

The kittens finally made their move! Scared the bejesus out of the big cat, who had been listening at the door they came rampaging through. I caught River, but tiny void Remy Rou shot off into the dark depths of the house at hyperspeed. Spouse worked magic & somehow found him right away THEME SONG

Christine Dad was a car guy who'd been bullied in school. It was made for him. So I got to see it at like 6 years old I have never heard "I hear you knocking but you can't come in" without being taken back to the fascinated horror I felt the first time I watched that scene

boggling at the *first r-rated movie* responses. did no one else have an insane father who basically injected them with r-rated movie in the womb so they would come out covered in vernix and knowing all of arnold’s catchphrases

The creator of Roger Rabbit (who is 85 years old by the way) is a good sort Crossposted with @openvibe.social

killing in the preferred name of [sick riff]

Apparently, it's international Drag day, so have another comic on the Haus

today’s the big bike race, right?

really tired of being hosed down with self-harm & suicide resources by the idiot machine when I'm just searching for background on an actual medical issue worse than useless, it's a nuisance

i'm not only choosing the bear but also offering to feed adam carolla to it

what a lovely day to seal up the house & stay inside the best part of summer is hiding from 100° temps & air quality that could best be described as "orange" love to stay home during the sunny warm months! love being stuck in the freeze-sweat-cough cycle! this totally is not the bad place!

good morning to everyone who didn't take a ballistic kitten to the face at the crack of dawn

proposing a local peri- & post-menopausal sports league (sponsored by Horse Pill Multivitamins, Compression Garments, and FANS: For when the night sweats) no fertility to preserve so the fascist government won't cancel it outright monitor *these* hormones, fuckers (please the tests are expensive)

i picked up 13 new followers from this post, all of whom are bots, all of whom have already been muted by the great ai - nft - crypto cull mutelist anyway, use mutelists/blocklists and i guess don't mention that shitty fuckass company, ever. it draws flies

everybody i know is talking about lovina zook lately and it's delightful, she's delightful

Hey Jupiter BUT OG or Dakota Version?

good morning to the extremely fit tattooed dude in jeans & slutty little tank top outside the nature museum i like your cowboy hat

Careless People is a hell of a book. Wall-to-wall bummer, but gripping. Validates every thought I've ever had about Facebook. Truly evil people pouring more evil into the world "Keeping in touch w/distant friends & relatives" isn't worth enabling unspeakable human rights violations. Just text them.

jesus fuckin' christ man just write your own story if you're gonna eviscerate the original no one asked for this gentle-parented adaptation where margaret goddamn white is a loving mother! that bitch is a nightmare human and that's the point stop swaddling audiences ffs it's a horror story

This morning I was woken up by a 2-pound kitten rubbing his whole self all over my face & neck 100% the best alarm I've ever had

holy SHIT King & Straub wrote a third Talisman book and the audio is gonna be performed by Patton Fucking Oswalt! take my moneyyy (take my hand, take my whole life too)

it's still Disability Pride Month and a new card in Cripping the Tarot is live and free to read in your browser for however long it takes me to write the next one.

"Verify your age" I learned to play video games on a ColecoVision because Nintendo didn't exist yet

So. I did it. Lotta people gonna be mad about this one. Show it some love?

I didn't have any biological children by choice : can't handle it well enough to give them the life they'd deserve & I will not pass on these problems to another generation But if leaving my baby kittens is so hard & my heart aches, then we need *far better* paid leave for parents of actual babies

Oh, okay. My brother just hit me with an old video that he took of our Grandma saying "Have a nice day!" It wrecked me. We were close-- I lived with her for several years when I was in school-- and I miss her SO much. I haven't heard her voice in so long. I just miss her so much.

Sup, sluts

"If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better." -Anne Lamott

oh bother, McConnell's alive

A heart so hard it fucking killed him.

“I don’t celebrate death” okay well skill issue

They're down two senators! Quick, while Fetterman is in the bathroom-- ram through some good legislation!

fair enough