Got a subscription as a gift and my first copy showed up today 😍💃🏻 #theonion

I know I’m getting old because I cried at a school musical production when the little girl playing Annie started singing and I didn’t even know any of the kids

even if the cologne cloud is duty free I don’t wanna walk through it my dudes

tell my dealer I miss him

he already had his own pillow and blanket before that, don’t worry

my dog stole two out of three of my pillows and half of my blanket. I got up for new pillows but I was mean and wrestled my half a blanket back

Never thought about it like this 😂

maybe we should all pick a time to rage scream collectively and the aliens will hear that we need help

my dog is old and definitely has some hearing loss but it’s hard to tell how much because he didn’t listen half the time before anyway lol

Lately sometimes I find myself thinking “but why should I want my legs to look like barrels?”

I always guzzle a family pack of twizzlers when I go to the movies but I didn’t this time because health and wellness or whatever. Just as the movie starts, a lady sits down in front of me with her family pack of twizzlers. That was the most mental anguish ever experienced at a screening of Hoppers

crymaxxing and sadmogging

As someone who doesn't want children the only thing that could change my mind is if a weird guy on the internet told me I should

well I really didn’t expect to get so much great advice from the host of Temptation Island

went to the pants store and they were all out of party

Me to me: you need to make a note of a phrase you’ve known forever and you need to do it WRONG too goddamnit

Endless cycle

feeling like there’s nothing to look forward to is soul sucking so I’m gonna try feeling like there’s nothing to look backward to instead

Nothing like getting to the age where you discover a really cool new band and realize the song you’ve been listening to is from 2011

bought $1 scratch tickets as prizes for myself when I do the tasks I’ve been super avoiding. Scratching is fun but my first prize is really that I lost $1

POV:

this resonates with me

not me wondering why everyone is so eager to talk about April fools day when it’s not April

when I was younger I thought Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon were the same person for an embarrassing amount of time

normalize non-carbonated fun drinks

normalize spoiling people with healthy things instead of candy and vices. sprout them

weird that alpha men will stand in a line and pee in a trough together but won’t get girlfriends because it’s too gay

Off-leash dog area: your dog is OFF its leash (able to recall ffs) (still have to pick up their poop you asshole) On-leash dog area: your dog is ON its leash (that you are holding) (30ft of flexi you can’t pull in doesn’t count) (poop bags must accompany)

I usually manage to keep junk food out of the house cupboards so when I get stoned I end up doing weird shit like eating taco shells and baking sprinkles

I usually stick to stressy entertainment but this is also funny and I really liked it and my nervous system too probably

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

IT'S FINE, YOU CAN HAVE IT, I DON'T WANT IT. ONE LESS HOUR TO BE SAD ANYWAY.

I had a dream that I was in a crowd in NYC and Zohran Mamdani approached me. He said the hospital is getting busier because people are walking more hence more knee and ankle injuries. I thanked him and shook his hand? Then we all gushed about how charming he is. I’m not even American 😂

Neopet Sematary

timeline cleanse: take a moment and imagine yourself, with a bare bottom, on a heated toilet seat. a toasty buns visualization of sorts

misspelled “caramel” but i like this info

Dance Moms doing a Mad Max ballet piece with the pre-teen girls as war boys was so left field lol #dancemoms

AI chatbot companion but it’s a copy of Taji from Vice News

I called my dog a grumpy old man today and a lady walking by thought that’s what I was calling HER dog. she was quite offended

sunning season has officially commenced

And now I’m banned til next month for spamming Epstein shit. The page telling me what I did wrong “doesn’t work” plus I can’t log back in unless I take a selfie to verify my identity. Did the propaganda bots have to do that too? 🧐

apparently I wrote this and I really agree with it

holy fack. Facebook just deleted all the Epstein gifs except for two… #epstein

mom said no but i love the shirt @dogecore.bsky.social

text from my cool mom: “Have you watched JD Vance getting booed at the olympics opening ceremony?”

random thought but I think Kid Rock would do a really good Tiger King. Which reminded me to check if Tiger King is still making daily pleas for a pardon on FB with AI pics. He is 🤗