zach braff is holding me hostage until i switch to t-mobile home internet. he broke into my house and has handcuffed me to the fridge. he says he would have brought donald faison but he is out of town for a wedding

I didn't grow up with grandparents, so I missed out on the experience of having them repeatedly tell me in an uncanny manner that I'm eligible for USAA insurance coverage

James Franklin is doing this personally to attack all Penn State graduates

Was late to a meeting this morning because I was complaining to HR about the Phillies farm system failing to develop hitters

I think I am going to have a heart attack, that Orion play just broke my brain in two

at the dentist this morning and rick reilly is outside the window staring at me in the chair. it is unclear if anyone who works here can see him

dad trying to get out of an above-ground pool with no ladder

it's so insane. from cnn's reporting - every single event on this is a right-wing attacker. every single one. and there's no guarantee this guy was a lefty, either. could be! but so far not really a reasonable assumption!

Trash can in the kitchen at work smells like someone poured an entire bottle of tequila in it, and no one knows how it got that way. Solving this mystery is now our number one goal for the day

Need to get Alvarado back on the juice

Walton Goggins got his teeth knocked out by a baseball as a child, and every celebrity who gets veneers is stealing valor from him

I was in a sports bar yesterday and Radiohead's "Everything in Its Right Place" started playing. I always assumed it would be way too out of place in a setting like that, and I was absolutely correct

That "Americans can't stop being American!" commercial that Ram is running is like the most tone deaf car commercial I have ever heard. It's like a parody of a commercial from 2005

Big day at the office, gonna lock in and read all 228 pages of the Laura Loomer deposition

Recession indicator: Chinese restaurants in America have mostly given up on including fortune cookies with delivery orders

Netflix had no choice but to bring Kirk Cousins back for another season of Quarterback, what with all that personality (in the first ep he wears a hat with a psalm on it and repeatedly talks about how he loves Great Clips)

This is correct. Any candidate cynically “triangulating” on trans kids is a non-starter, and now is the time to say so. There’s still so much time to advance candidates that DON’T suck.

If I were that kid, I'd brag about that for life. I'd bring it up all the time.

I witnessed Gus the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania drunk drive through a harvest festival in Berks County in 2014

Patently absurd that the Democrats spent most of last week going after Zohran Mamdani instead of focusing on rallying against the bill

all the presidents preceding trump set him up to be able to do this btw

The Ainge's are speed running the Colangelo experience in Utah

It is a beautiful morning to watch a bunch of rich losers who are Posting Through It

Oh, is mayorball on?

NANCY PELOSI: We must find the next generation of Democratic leadership. Young, charismatic and exciting candidates who can energize the party. People that voters love because they're not 80 years old and sold out to big capital. CHUCK SCHUMER (behind sniper rifle): Found one PELOSI: Take the shot

speaking of remembering great summer tweets, this Jacob Bacharach one will rattle around in my head forever

Bob Baffert has stolen the Stanley Cup

Bloc Party tonight

I played Willem Dafoe and Catherine O'Hara in pickleball and they're not even that good, like yeah they are better than most but they only got that commercial because they're famous

draymond green’s sole goal in life is to see how many people he can injure while constructing a plausible deniability over whether he “meant” to injure them

ras baraka told right wing christians 'there is a place in hell for all of you' and said any person in newark who rides the bus is a 'resident' and fuck man we need more of this shit

I think this year is the year Rich Eisen finally wins the Kentucky Derby

wow. this post is a reaction to a dunk in a basketball game i saw a couple days ago but forgot to post at the time. better late than never

Draymond is an idiot for putting his basketball hoop right on the edge of a steep hill

anybody who wants my vote in 2026 or 28 better be real-deal committed to prosecutions and prison sentences for a whole host of Trump admin people, including Trump himself, and his goons in various agencies

respect to the guy eating a full bowl of pasta at this south philly house party

I officiated a wedding a few weeks ago and pronounced "tapestry" incorrectly, still thinking about that

I have not watched the new season of Reacher yet, but my understanding is that Reacher does not throw a charcoal grill through the windshield of a moving car, which is disappointing

they should also have karaoke for guitar, but no singing. imagine you're at a bar and some guy is just in the groove playing the home depot commercial riff

just saw at least a dozen cop cars drive down my street, i'm sure that's good

I do not watch the White Lotus, but it sure seems like they should close that hotel before more people die

Coworker known for drinking a lot of coffee with her ADHD medication just got a puppy, so I have gotten literally 20 text messages about this in the last five minutes

we’re about two months away from ken klippinstein reporting that pete hegseth loudly proclaimed from a bathroom stall that they are going to bomb greenland

CBS is running out of law enforcement agencies to make shows about. We're about three years away from them unironically making a drama about ICE thugs

ITS NOT ENTIRELY BECAUSE THEY ARE STUPID ITS BECAUSE THEY ARE OWNED BY CAPITAL DO YOU THINK THESE PEOPLE KEEP GETTING OUTSMARTED BY DONALD FUCKING TRUMP WAKE UP

Bari Weiss should be deported to England

Today I confronted “border czar” Tom Homan who came to Albany to do Trump’s bidding — push for mass deportations, carry out the assault on working class New Yorkers, and justify the unjustifiable detention of legal permanent resident and father-to-be, Mahmoud Khalil.

LOL we spent the last 16 years saying that the filibuster had to be preserved so you can use it at moments like this

finally got a new phone after nearly 7 years, they said the transfer from the old phone to the new one would take 15 minutes so i kickstarted it. it now says it will take 5 hours, so i guess i will be going to my work dinner tonight without a phone