I really enjoyed the new Avatar film today and not only because it asked and answered the question “what if King Julian from Madagascar was fuckable?”.

In which direction?

Could someone please tell David Walliams that he’d be brilliant at boxing?

Rare footage of St Paul’s Cathedral testing its giant flamethrower

“Red Bull gives you wings”. Yes but it also gives me the shits, that’s quite the trade off.

Can’t wait to see Donald Trump recieve the BBC Sports Personality of The Year Peace Award.

I’ve just told my wife that when I said I would sort the garage out this weekend, I had of course intended that to be ‘off the record’.

That’s pretty literal.

First they came for my keyboard and

If you can smell French toast, you may be having un accident vasculaire cérébral.

TRY THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK TO AVOID INHERITANCE TAX! Die poor.

In M&S buying jeans and wondering when they stopped selling old people clothes and started selling clothes for young hip people like myself

I’ve just watched my Bargain Booze Wrapped. It’s been a tough year.

Arrested over a trifle.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery

My grandfather used to say that you should do one thing everyday that scares you…. But then he was killed in a knife fight with a polar bear.

It’s not big, it’s just… full. The Keenan Family Christmas Tree has been acquired.

I’ve come to see a film while in Bristol for a comedy thing later. I was sat doing some writing in the bar beforehand and the couple next to me suddenly see a friend walking by. “Oh my God… are you here on your own?”they cry. “NO!” he replies “can you imagine? How tragic would that be?”….

“Footnotes” -noun The direction given to female cast members by Quentin Tarantino.

If you’re ever feeling creatively bereft just remember that Paloma Faith’s hit single “Make Your Own Kind of Music” is a cover.

My eleven year old is explaining a game he was playing on the Xbox with his cousins earlier on which they had to stop some attacking boats. This is a relief given that they were screaming at one point “STOP THE BOATS!” and I thought we were about to have a stern conversation.

Just thinking, Predator is the only fiction movie to have two US Governors in the main cast. Schwarzenegger was Governor of California and Jesse The Body Ventura was Governor of Minnesota

I put my wet phone into some rice. For reference, you shouldn’t use the microwave stuff.

If you’ve attacked a Holiday Inn while waving a Union Flag, everyone we remember here would think you are a disgrace.

It was just the once and the doctor got it out in no time.

I had a great time tonight closing a gig in Oswestry. The green room had a Live Laugh Love pillow placed upside down, which I believe is the universal signal of a Home Bargains that is in distress.

Great to see *checks notes* two time Emmy nominee Nick Mohammed finally breaking through.

I think anyone whose instinct is to reply to any type of joke “but what if…” and then some attempt to appear superior to the person telling the joke needs to be bullied harder than they obviously were as a child.

I clicked on this and it just made the sound of an old fashioned till ringing.

Fireworks at our house this evening. I finally told my wife how much I spent on this VR headset.

Your man over here, starting a fight with a whole season.

I’m sure there’s something I was supposed to remember today.

it’s a year ago today my pal Janey died, there’s not a day goes by I don’t think of her. Miss you, pal

Via @anadelcastillo

Right. What’s next?

A great night at home tonight for Halloween.

Took my son into the city earlier to see a marching band. We were talking about what he wants to be when he grows up. I might have gone a bit overboard.

Andrew’s new title.

Oh, the grand old duke of york He ██████████████████ He ██████████████████ And he ██████████████████

After last year’s mind blowing nomination for Best Debut with my first ever hour, I’m headed back to @leicscomedyfest.bsky.social in Feb. Come along to and see if I can finally justify my mid-life turn to stand up comedy. events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/mike-...

Today’s Halloween-based poem is called ‘Pumpkin’.

After last year’s mind blowing nomination for Best Debut with my first ever hour, I’m headed back to @leicscomedyfest.bsky.social in Feb. Come along to and see if I can finally justify my mid-life turn to stand up comedy. events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/mike-...

What’s wrong with my fish?????? Why’re they swimming like that????

My silly planetarium joke ended up on this list. Thanks @thepokeuk.bsky.social .

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families.

‪My wife just asked me what Mansplaining means.

Say what you like about Farage but he really tells it like it used to be.

If you're looking for the clown, he's two storm drains over