Today’s Halloween-based poem is called ‘Pumpkin’.

After last year’s mind blowing nomination for Best Debut with my first ever hour, I’m headed back to @leicscomedyfest.bsky.social in Feb. Come along to and see if I can finally justify my mid-life turn to stand up comedy. events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/mike-...

What’s wrong with my fish?????? Why’re they swimming like that????

My silly planetarium joke ended up on this list. Thanks @thepokeuk.bsky.social .

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families.

‪My wife just asked me what Mansplaining means.

Say what you like about Farage but he really tells it like it used to be.

If you're looking for the clown, he's two storm drains over

I’ve just been to the world’s worst planetarium. One star.

Majestic.

Your clocks go back tonight. So you get an extra hour in bed. Top tip. If you set them 2 hours back, you get an extra 2 hours in bed.

Just back from a few days in Paris. Can someone show me how to use Vinted?

If you can smell French toast, you may be having un accident vasculaire cérébral.

My son made his stand up debut today at The Frog. After Me and then his sister, he completes the Keenan Rule of Three. He smashed it, great jokes and fantastic presence. If he wins an award before me we’re going to fall out. Well done son. Let’s carshare to gigs but I’m expecting petrol money.

There’s only one thing worse than being talked about and that’s being named and shamed on a local Facebook group.

Overheard at tonight’s gig. “That last comedian is being really creepy, I think he’s hiding behind that door and typing everything we say into his phone to post online…”

Rubbish. Not a single one of them looks even remotely like Bruce.

“Joe isn’t my son, he couldn’t be my son…. But (Jonathan) Ross is!” #CelebrityTraitors

Couldn’t get into tonight’s gig.

“Give it to me straight Dr Schrödinger” “Well… there’s good news and bad news”.

I’m still getting a 24 inch pizza and 6 hotdogs on the way out.

The Argos catalogue! I’m going to circle the Transformers.

Kicked the Bouquet. Rest in peace Kitty.

Wherever I lay my hat, that’s “the wrong place” and do I “not know where the fucking hatstand is?” “Jesus Christ, it’s like living with a child. Learn to put your hats away Mike, you scruffy bastard”.

I know this shouldn’t be the takeaway but I’m genuinely curious as to what swan tastes like.

Well, if migrants are poaching and abusing local parks, I for one think that it’s fantastic they’re taking on traditional British values.

Great to see that the knuckle dragging racists are all suddenly concerned for the welfare of our geese which are *checks notes* migratory.

Bought this and then started a fight at a petrol station.

Her : I love it when F1 sessions are called to a halt. Me : Ooh, that’s a red flag.

There's a door in our house that if you push the correct floorboard, the door near the cellar flings open, When my kids are being naughty I say Lesley is coming and she's mad, then I press the floorboard. Cue the screams.

I’ve booked to go and see a lecture on time travel next week. That’s an hour of my life I’m going to get back.

Where on Earth is Melania Trump?

Spooky season is coming and this looks amazing. Pre-ordered!

The thing about being an artist is that sometimes you’ll have a really silly/cursed image enter your head and spend hours of your life drawing it. Hours you’ll never get back.

Walter White is only 50 at the start of Breaking Bad, so I’ve decided I should stop wasting time. Anyone know where I can buy a camper van?

The charity I set up employing refugees to make flags is going great guns. Thanks for all the support!

You join us live from Danny Dyer’s birthday drinks.

“Doctor? Yes he’s back outside and he’s bought a long roller…”

It’s a long established fact that the man’s a genius but this new Neil Hannon song is something else. youtu.be/5VXSQQ5YDIU?...

Every day, I grow more understanding of why Captain Picard identified his two most important advisors as being his first officer and his therapist

I’m Mike, I’m 46 years old and last night I had to increase the default text size on my phone. I will be taking no questions at this difficult time.

Straight out of Europe.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Hitchcock. Tebay Services at dusk.

I’ve just visited the world’s worst planetarium. One star.

Cabinet meetings were getting out of hand.

I thought he was taken?

Their accounts contained all the right numbers, just not necessarily in the right order.