Joaquin Phoenix is presumably the evil version of a Marquin Phoenix

I never wanna hear you say It’s gonna be May

Happy International Worker's Day everyone. Let's all smash the machinery hurtful to commonality together.

Bed is too warm. Needs to be nerfed.

It’d be funny if Trump thought the only way to boost his approval rating was to survive another shooting attempt. It’ll be even funnier when everyone forgets this story before the end of next week.

Asking bc of a FB friend who posted this

Be straight with me are processed foods THAT bad or is it just crunchy MAGA nonsense?

Thinking about the fact that salt is literally a rock that we eat

*heavy metal voice* OPEN UP THE SCHOOLS

Shit. Got pulled over and had an open bottle.

Saw the name Oakleigh today. I’m thinking this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

If you name your kid Bentley, you should be given a citation. If you spell it Bentleigh, you should go directly to federal prison.

“The Pope is weak on crime” has to be one of the wildest sentences ever written

Donald Trump is not Voldemort. Idiocracy is not a documentary. You are not a passive observer. Get back in your body.

holy shit he actually conceded folks, they tell you they’re invincible they tell you they’re inevitable they tell you that you should give up and stop fighting and absolutely none of that is true

Best Star Trek crew, wrong answers only

The secret to parenting is having good dogs.

Yu-gi-oh card art goes insanely hard sometimes

Israel hears the word “ceasefire” and begins salivating, it’s a Pavlovian response

*walking around like I’ve seen visions of the apocalypse, grabbing strangers on the street* they gave mega golurk unseen fist…. THEY GAVE MEGA GOLURK UNSEEN FIST

I’ve been thinking about this guy almost daily for ten fucking years. essentially my entire 30’s. when he finally croaks I imagine I’ll let out a sigh so deep it realigns my fucking spine

So… is it gonna be nukes tomorrow or…?

Seasonal Candy Official Ranking 1: Easter 2: Halloween 3: Christmas 4: Valentine’s Day

But shall this crazed old man be tamely suffered to drag a whole ship’s company down to doom with him?

America is literally everything our top propagandists told us Iran was

Saying, “Good eye,” like a little league coach but I’m talking to the judge when he overrules an objection from the prosecution

If Jesus were alive today, he'd have a podcast called WWID (What Would I Do)

Can’t sleep, better post through it

Yes, I did play saxophone in jazz band in high school and college, why do you ask?

Gotta be prepared for every scenario

How much of TikTok/Reels/Shorts/whatever is just people reading something else that’s funny while laughing over it

The complaint today is that people are too “sensitive” but this thread shows how, in the ‘30s and ‘40s anyway, that people are too “serious” for a laugh.

I think the biggest thing here is that people’s reading comprehension and general communication skills aren’t good enough even to notice when the AI is substantially changing their meaning. This just caps off decades of criminal, willful neglect of our education system.

The April Fool… that coveted title… belongs again to Oil

Starting to think you can’t fix this with an election

Back when I was a professor at MIT, I met a young Trump working as a custodian. He went in to mop my classroom after I got done lecturing about calculus. There was an equation on the board none of my students could solve. Trump picked up a marker and solved it in under five minutes.

No kings No war No Trump No more

Going to the liquor store and asking for the one with the big X’s on it

ME TO THE GUY NEXT TO ME IN HELL: So. What are you in for?

Recommend a book. Literally anything, any genre, any author.

Posting the reaction gif that finally causes God to answer my prayers

As soon as it happens I’m posting a single ☺️ emoji on FB just to see what my comments look like

Free school lunches? Pay raises for teachers? Nope, just war.

Cheating on an exam by memorizing everything the professor taught in advance so I can easily answer all the questions

While dropping off his kids, federal agents detained an Afghan refugee who served alongside U.S. special forces. He died less than 24 hours later. This is the 43rd death in ICE custody since Trump retook office. We need accountability and justice for all those who’ve died under their watch.

I bring you this year’s definitive list of Oscar Nominee Pokémon Puns * Blipbugonia * F1sparce * Froakiestein * Panchamnet * Marty Suprimarina * One Pokemon Battle After Another * The Secret Agenteleon * Sentretmental Value * Sinnerstcha * Song Sung Swablu * Trainer Dreams * Inkay-Pop Demon Hunters

The movie is called Bugonia because when you watch it you’re supposed to point at the screen and say, “Look out! There’s a bug on ya!”

It’s-a me *cocks gun* Mario