“I am so bored by AI. One of the things I love about the theatre is AI can’t do it.” Ethan Hawke is a dude 👌🏻

Karlie Chirk

Melville really said

Great timing, Mr. President!!!!!

Aw yeah, work it, girl. Dock its pay. Make it stay late. Tell it that Christmas bonus isn’t looking too good.

Insurance companies are like "you give me money every month, and I'll use every legal means at my disposal to not give you what you're paying for"

Strong floor, no ceiling, that’s the way I like to fuck

Great culture can save lives. Literally. Amazing letter in today’s @thetimes.com about Tom Stoppard

Guy who insists on calling her Sabrina the Carpenter

Losing my virginity to ChatGPT

Listen, Santa, I can explain

@profanity.accountant am I on the naughty or nice list this year?

Big day for guys who will ask their family if they saw the FB meme they shared that was something like, “Couldn’t make a thanksgiving meal this year… my turkey identified as pardoned!!!!“

MARK ZUCKERBERG [coming home late]: Oh, you’re still up? Everything okay? MARK’S WIFE [silently watching The Social Network]: It’s fine.

🚨 BREAKING: Zohran Mamdani to require all NYC students to carry a 3DS.

If you overheard John Mulaney and Don Knotts arguing in another room you wouldn’t be able to tell who’s who

Is he strong? Listen, BUD. This guy’s got radioactive fucking blood. You better believe he’s strong.

“Wouldst thou like the taste of butter?”

However much you hate this man, it’s not enough.

No matter what happens with the Epstein files, releasing them a week before Thanksgiving is really funny

Do you think the mucinex guy has a cousin who’s made of cum

Thunderstorms scare my dog which means I got to sleep with an extra pillow last night

secretary breakfast gin is having a phallic one

And we thought the pee tapes were a big deal

This is happening to me for real but it’s 67

Just imagine if literally anyone—ANYONE—besides Hillary had been the Dems’ 2016 candidate.

FROM: [email protected] TO: [email protected] SUBJ: Re: Did u get my last message?? yea plx dont email my fridge address

Do the Dems have to listen to Schumer, just because he’s the leader? They can just ignore him, right?

It’ll happen any day now

This morning I saw a bald eagle standing over a carcass on the road while a bunch of vultures picked it clean, in case you were looking for any American metaphors today.

A government shutdown is when a President gets to take his widdle nappy poo

Today, the Puma Dimension (so named for being the only dimension without pumas) assured the multiverse that yes of course they still have other large predator cats, such as cheetahs and darcatas. “Darcatas?” asked everyone else.

The baby eats every 2 hours during the day. And every single time she starts to cry for a bottle, I say, "it can't be time for her to eat again." And every time I am wrong.

Look, I know you’re only two years old, but you’re crying over the one thing they tell people not to cry over

The worm in his brain is working overtime

I only follow the MRCU (Ms. Rachel Cinematic Universe)

Deleted the Twitter app off my phone finally, though I didn’t deactivate my account. Holding out hope it won’t just be a neo-Nazi sludge pit someday.

Definitely seen phases where (white) guys my age delighted in racist/sexist jokes before growing out of them, but never a full-on Nazi phase

There needs to be more heavy music available for young people so they can rock out. Perhaps the government could step in and fund this. Whether or not they take advantage of it, young people deserve the option to rock out. All ages could benefit but I think it's especially urgent for adolescents.

Am I the only one willing to say it? “Change my mind” wasn’t Charlie Kirk’s thing. That was Steven Crowder.

If you don’t work with teenagers be glad you haven’t been subjected to 6-7

Is the left taking frogs back from the right

My 2yo pointed up at the moon and said, “Egg!” I laughed at such a silly notion. But what if hatches

I saw a former student share this image on FB and man… nothing feels so bleak

It’s sort of breaking my psyche that there’s a fascist invasion of several major cities and I still have to go to work and pay bills and shit

I see pieces like this a lot, often w/ a spin of lamenting cultural degeneration, but reading is a LABOR issue, it’s declined because so many people are working overtime or two jobs & employers expect after hours work. France has Earth’s highest reading rate b/c long lunch breaks & labor protections

I stretched my arms up high and my 2yo pointed to my armpit hair and said, “Grass.”