Words my doctor just said to me: "we'll check that blood work to see if there's anything that needs looking into, or if you're just a normal guy walking around"

Once again I have to find out via national news that the Met Gala has "misplaced" my invitation and carried on without me

The indignity of eating yogurt with a fork at work

My fatherly instincts are at their strongest when I see my daughter leave the pokemon center without stocking up on at least 5 of every status heal potion

As a person who has tried to give the Millville cheerios to a toddler: no podcast has ever been more correct about anything

Folks at the office are fine with people coughing and sneezing, but they're all up in arms when I piss and shit. So sick of the drama

It would be such an honor to be killed by Sensei Phil Collins

Frantically updating my list of things I will never forgive or forget

You motherfuckers better watch out because I remembered my water bottle today. Hydrated Ben takes no prisoners

Nancy 2/22/26… 🪱WOIMS🪱

The best defense is a good defense

a gas explosion at dicks sporting goods sends a skateboard into low orbit, eventually coming to rest outside my front door. leaving, I step on it and it flips into my nuts killing me instantly

kid keeps saying he ate a Christmas tree. no you didn't. daycare would have noted that in the app

I resolve to get a little bit worse every day

Wow I can't believe it's going to be 2025

Make sure you leave out some snacks for me tonight

Anime Sickos Podcast - “It’s good, it’s like a real show”

I love my Dad

I don't think of myself as particularly "Nebraskan," but then I'll buy 200 pounds of sand to put in my trunk when it snows because I am GOING to get to work, goddammit

Happy thanks to all comrades today

My kids are not interested in my proposed house rule to fix the busted action economy in Catan Jr. This is dad abuse

I have the day off tomorrow and the kids will be at school: the rare day when I can play the tuba and not get yelled at

Washing your hands is amazing;; you just soap em up, add a lil water, then hey presto: all that nasty shit goes down the drain to fuck off forever

on the topic of dick cheney, one thing i’ve always said is that you shouldn’t kill a million people

shocked to learn dick cheney has been alive this whole time

I am fucking good at grocery shopping and saving money and every time a politician tries to tell people how to shop I want to [redacted]

4200 per year is about 80 bucks per week. I live in a cheap region and that's still only like 3/4 of an Aldi run if I'm keeping my wife and kids alive

Buttercream frosting is too sweet. We're flying too close to the sun

It's weird that $20 is the same as $60.. why is no one talking about this

Listen I don't know how to explain this but all my views are correct. Put that in the newspaper

I would sooner take to the woods and become an ascetic than send a read receipt

Borrowed the *good* tuba from my dad; it's all over for you, you're cooked

Well that means MY date of birth is closer to WWII than it is to the present day. I feel nothing about this

Experimental post: The Inevitable March of Time From the moment of this post, Super Mario Bros. is now closer to World War II than it is to the present day.

2yo: scunsqeen Me: sunscreen 2yo: scrumsqweem Me: sun. screen. 2yo: ...scumscream

It's called Expedition 33 because it came out on the Nintendo 33

I hate to be the one to remind everybody, but

Going to go out on a limb and say I'm probably the most ska-adjacent government official in my state

Anyway this cat hangs outside the state capitol right where all the employees walk by so he gets lots of pets

I would eat ice cream for every meal if God didn't hate shit like that

The Virgin Suicides was an Adventures of Pete and Pete spec script.

This all boils down to a lack of Third Spaces for youths to bust ATV stunts

"I'M DAD, I'M GOING TO WORK NOW, BYE" damn they roasted my ass

Telling my wife a stupid joke and having it land is one of the main reasons I exist

Excited for all the bootlickers of my Great State. Happy for u

You know how tech billionaires have this sense of wonder at their own genius in business deals? I have that but only for putting state and federal case law annotations in the correct order

I am going to root out every misspelling of the word "supersede" in this world even if it kills me.

That laugh when you see your homies and you know it’s about to go crazy