the only real reason to get smarter is so you can understand more jokes

merchandise mart is such a wretched stain on this otherwise beautiful city. more like merchandise fart.

me when i eat the food that makes you remember

monday

This guy always pissed me of...

are you telling me I can get market quality ham and additional ham for free at hambonus dot com???

it's true. my secret identity is the world's most important celebrity: John Tilkerson Brink

are there any open slots in the human body? like if i want an extra heart or a video card is there a place to plug it in? SATA cables?

one piece of advice i have is try to not throw up most of the time. it's rarely useful

Why would I need a vacuum cleaner? There's nothing in my vacuum. Not even air.

a psychological experiment to create the world's most normal guy by taking him from his family as a baby and treating him more normally than previously possible by controlling every variable under lab conditions

ME (first day of my life sentence): god put me here to bring some fun to this place

ME: the people need their late nite friday burgs but frankly that doesn't change every teen fast food worker's right to be absolutely stoned out of their mind DRIVE-THRU GUY: yeah but i don't do drugs. and actually you're kinda the one holding up the line right now ME: well i am kinda high yeah

I feel like I'm going insane. if you look this song up ("Balloon's Flight") the other youtube comments are all kinda gassing it up -- but it's easily one of the worst pieces of music I've ever heard in my entire life. Even for this guy to say he likes the first two minutes seems impossible

It's called Expedition 33 because it came out on the Nintendo 33

don't smoke that moon stone unless your ass is ready to evolve

REUTERS: Silent Hill's Otherworld Surpasses American Standard of Living For First Time Since 2008

eons have passed. the world exists in precious few vestiges, slipping through sand and dust. from a piece of burgeoning sky, he descends anew. NATE DOGG. through the sands, in the heart of ruin, WARREN G awakens from his eternal reverie at last. Regulators, mount up

inventing a pube length delimiter that will allow you to basically grow a second head of hair down there

fuck it. we will find a genre where Baroque works

u think they ever went into the hyperbolic time chamber just to smoke weed and listen to some zappa

it's true that people have a hard time appraising themselves and the proof is that the guy from AJJ thinks he would be Shoshanna if he was one of The Girls and I just don't get that vibe at all

FIGHTER - STRENGTH - BEAST MODE MAGE - WISDOM - SICKO MODE ROGUE - FINESSE- DEPECHE MODE

whoops i accidentally thought too long about The Stuff and now I have to do a boss battle against my shadow self

Save money by ordering all your drinks virgin and fucking them yourself.

spending a billion dollars on a toy phone so my toddler can practice ordering a pizza seven million times

after you lose a couple of your "glamour fingers" doing the flipping butterfly-knife tricks gets a lot easier

Logan's Run 2: Sprintin' To Sixty

yeah it's actually called Microsoft Outlook

nothing really to add other than that he looks exactly like this

(replying to the most useful, in-depth technical assistance you've ever received, completely for free, posted within minutes of you asking your question): oh my god, thank you so much Fat_TurdSlimer

the Fartcordion allows a master musician to recreate any fart, both sound and smell

WALTER RALEIGH (to everyone before he died): fuck y'all, suck my balls off, eat my ass WALTER RALEIGH (in his cute little love letter to cigarettes): my sweet darling children. papa will not be home for Christmas. dear lord life is cruel

im gonna kick you in the balls so hard one of your nuts is gonna have to do the Sonic 1 bonus stage just to drop back out of your stomach

you stand accused not only of hitting it from the front,

JON BON JOVI: stop making fun of my name ME: no

Jon Bon Jovi is French for Good Joyous Johnathan

Jon Bon Jovi? Of the North Jersey Bon Jovi's?

OPEN COUPLE: damn are you Gradius because you are not R-Type OTHER PERSON IN THIS JOKE: that's a really convoluted insult

they should do a Big Red Bus but for sperm donations. Who doesn't want to save some lives, jack off and take a nap in the middle of the day?

last hour of work feels like mashing A through the tutorial text but you keep accidentally selecting "explain it again" on the last textbox because you had to mash for so long that you completely zoned out

not at all surprising if youve been paying attention to water

stool samples are so stressful. i have incredible range. i can't capture all of my unique talents in a single release

treat yourself. wiggle the fingers of your free hand under your piss stream. it's christmas

wow great. now they're building a Morag Tong guildhouse in my neighborhood

damn girl, are you a grappler with good normals? because you make me want to avoid interacting with you at all costs

oops i thought the Wrong Thing about stuff and now my Evil Thoughts And Prayers are tormenting various friends and family

you should be able to pay extra to get a mouse and keyboard instead of a steering wheel and pedals

ordering and eating everything at a restaurant, getting the bill and screaming "this is never ok!! this is unconscionable!"

im at work right now in the real world. it's not just online. everyone is glad that prick is dead