Sorry I can't come into work today my cats are being really cute

i don't really want a major update to Diablo 2 if it's been made by 2026 Blizzard

Just looking at his sour puss gives me the willies

it's a rich kid's youtube prank video and we're just living in it

bro stop lambasting me in front of chicks. if you take one more satirical look at me I'm gonna hit you

Saw a Toyota Celica at the grocery store the other day and I've been riding that high ever since

A lot of people think that They Might Be Giants' smash hit song "I Should Be Allowed To Think" is satirical, but actually it's a poignant message about the importance of posting

I know there's bigger problems out there but every bag of chips is 80% crumbs now and that's fucked

in lieu of a closing argument, i tap for seven and cast Platinum Angel

what do you want for dinner

sexual prank known as the dick-suck-ditch in which the prankster sucks your dick and runs away

Ralph Nader Ginsburg

none of my posts are made up bullshit. my posts are the evening fucking news. sooby the dooh and shaggy fuckin on the cavman in the museum more at 11

Hey that's cool man, I'm gonna play Need For Speed: Carbon and pretend your neck is the gas pedal until you stop moving

Aquafina ®️, Water That Drinks You ™️

check out the specs on my new penis

I am now accepting submissions (you may forfeit your deeded property to me)

tried to shift into 5th gear and my car just printed me an IOU

couldn't really enjoy Slumdog Millionaire because about a third of the way through I started watching a new movie in my mind where Regis Philbin beats the shit out people

Pursuit of Happiness is a movie about a guy who did the "was the Grink there?" joke so hard about a mural that it brought him out of poverty

hold on moosely but don't elk doe

POLITICS MYTHS MYTH: america has descended into lawless authoritarianism FACT: nah we chillin

Why do people under 25 describe themselves with the same words as this packet of deli ham

one of my deepest darkest secrets is that i think They Might Be Giants could do up to four totally instrumental albums and they should do at least two MY INTERROGATOR: give him his cyanide pill back

gun to your head

this happened at my buddy's first wedding

All-timer of all time

The murderer’s name is Jonathan Ross. www.startribune.com/ice-agent-wh...

ME (trying to cryogenically freeze myself): fuck. this feels like it might be regular freezing

HER (having sex with me): please stop doing magic tricks ME: i can skip most of the rest of them but there's one i already committed to, like, hours ago

a spider laid his eggs directly into my heart and now i have the compassion of a million baby spiders

how to increase odds of getting free thumb in Wendys chili

FIVE mental tricks FOR ALPHAS to make your problems SUCK YOUR DICK

they arrested my Machop for underage drinking

you heard a Coil song and asked if it was Depeche Mode and honestly you had a point but we still have to shoot you

an ominous message in the form of a caption attached to an image of a font on wikipedia claims that "Jason extreme is not the bad person"

foaming up a batch of turds in soap

(ordering at dick monald's) yeah can i get a six piece DcNuggets and a medium diet dr dick

thinking about that episode of the X-Files where an alien pretends to be a black man to save baseball

can't even have a merry christmas in europe. happy is the best you'll get

piece of shit chatgpt pocket pussy ripped my cock clean off and the damn thing just keeps telling me it's time to kill myself

no one believes me of course but when I was a rat in a cage I was actually able to get out using rage

nice bone dude, can it sing?

Arugula is probably my favorite leafy green and it's definitely in my top 5 sounds a horny cartoon wolf might make

Fuck Joe Rogan we need a leftist Trapped in The Closet chapters 1-33

please mail me a big slice of turkey

PaRappa vs Nardwuar (repost)

first bombshell from the epstein files holy shit