all I remember is waking up wanting to make sure I didn’t forget about this awesome joke

what did he know and when did he know it

sad to learn I was cut from every scene in One Battle After Another. I was the guy following the characters around, gesturing to all of the stuff that was happening and going, "you're surprised by this?"

are we ready for the charlie kirk halloween costume arc

for his funeral they’re gonna sit him up in his favorite chair and put a blunt in his hand

hello, @jtkantor.bsky.social ! any chance my partner and I hear a bit if pulp’s “common people” at the park today?

don't even talk to me in the morning until I've had my Edible Arrangement

the rosebud scene from citizen kane except it’s george r.r. martin and a tenga egg

say what you will about hulk hogan but it’s sad that he died because he had explosive diarrhea and then slipped on all of the diarrhea and fell down six flights of steps and puked all over himself the whole way down while also getting the diarrhea all over his mouth at the same time

you’re not reelin in the years, bro? you’re seriously not stowin away the time?? lmao. grow up.

We have to agree today to vote for the imaginary worst candidate possible. What don't you purists get about that? We have to commit to that now. We cannot come up with any better guy than someone you already hate. Grow up.

“I Get Around” is one of the all-time best songs that’s about being cool as hell

Charles Chatterton Cheese

we should make a nice big disgusting mucky pit for all the ICE guys to spend the rest of their lives in 😀 you could put glass over the top so everyone can look down and see them getting sick and weak in the mud ☺️

I was watching the pokemon anime and they were using that crazy technology to transfer a pokeball from ash to professor oak and I swear to god my brain goes, “well that’s not possible”

look I’m not up on the taxonomy, OK?

to celebrate the release of Final Destination Bloodlines here’s my favorite line in the entire Final Destination series

to celebrate the release of Final Destination Bloodlines here’s my favorite line in the entire Final Destination series

the last living NYT writer on earth, scrawling into a sewer wall: “While the landscape has certainly changed, some experts are not convinced that I will be eaten at all.”

words-mattering myself into ignoring what's plainly obvious: a new york times tradition

reminder to check my FICO score? reminder to go FUCK yourself

honestly someone at q-tips was really cooking when they came up with this slogan

Somehow, a TV series focused on Palpatine was in development at some point.

if Disney+ asks who’s watching you better believe it’s Profile

So many of you good liberal Democrats conspired to bring us to this point. Equating any criticism of Israel's ongoing genocide with terrorism. Tossed our country's bedrock principles about speech into the shitter so Israel could go on killing. Calling peaceful protests anti semitic.

(yelling to tarmac press scrum) WALLET MOTHS. they’re called Wallet Moths, and not many people have heard of them. you open your wallet and they flutter, they dance right out. it’s quite beautiful. we’re looking into getting more. it’s a tremendous opportunity for moths and, frankly, wallets,

logging onto Temu to buy a barrell with suspenders only to find out the price spiked to $864 overnight

hotels are cool because you don’t often get an opportunity to pour coffee down a bathroom sink

gutted

ppl need to stop using elon's ketamine use to attack him, ketamine doesn't make you a nazi lol, it can be a v effective treatment for depression, the evil is coming from somewhere else. please.

America Lesser-of-Two-Evils'd itself directly into authoritarian fascism, not because the Right was strong or intelligent, but because the middle was composed entirely of spineless, self-absorbed weaklings whose only concern was sucking corporate toes and holding onto their positions.

all I remember is waking up wanting to make sure I didn’t forget about this awesome joke

PARKLIFE

oh, you merely adopted the dark (holding in bong hits) i was born in it (had to go to the school nurse every day to use my inhaler)

historically and fictionally speaking, doing something “to see if the gold is really there” always ends up being a bad idea

when the burner on my stove starts working again

The American anthem fucking sucks ass. Stupid song for Nazi hogs and it sounds like shit too. Fuck you.

every time I get a flurry of vibrations in my pocket but I can’t check my phone for a few minutes I just sort of assume it’s The News We’ve Been Hoping For and I refuse to talk myself out of this behavior

celebrating the confirmation of our new health secretary by doing a shot of aquarium cleaner

when the burner on my stove starts working again

OK with this. easily a top 3 worst-tasting money.

The President was involved with a legally questionable incident in which a pen was discharged, signing the parchment associated with an Executive Order that appeared to be

the last living NYT writer on earth, scrawling into a sewer wall: “While the landscape has certainly changed, some experts are not convinced that I will be eaten at all.”

oh, you merely adopted the dark (holding in bong hits) i was born in it (had to go to the school nurse every day to use my inhaler)

in high school my senior year french class banded together to derail the last semester so swiftly and effectively that we convinced our teacher to make it a ‘watch quentin tarantino movies’ class instead. we didn’t even watch them in french. he just gave up and was like “ah yeah kill bill, baby”

Have you seen the Neil deGrasse Tyson video where he explains how some of the stuff in "Twin Peaks: The Return" is not possible?