Hoovering up a huge slug of chisel.

Having signed back into Bluesky aftering being offline for many months, it's difficult to comphrend the illusionary version of the world represented by the internet. Most people outside are nice and friendly and cracking on.

"A refreshing thirst quencher that packs a punch." *The journalist was shackled in the town's stocks for clichéd writing and peppered liberally with rotten plums and squishy tomatoes.*

"You have activated the smoke alarm. You will be charged a €1,000 fee, receive a one-star rating, and all of the American-hating neighbors are calling Interpol." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/esc...

NEW PODCAST IDEA: The Rest is... Rest. It's an eight-hour recording of me snoring, sleep-talking and getting up at 3am for a wee.

Oh good. I've finally reached the 'accidentally signed up for the Hare Krishna spiritual movement' part of my recovery.

Call me old-fashioned but music criticism should be funnier and more entertaining.

Writing. How the fuck do I do it again?

"Just how mummy used to make it." Inexcusable description. Should've been deleted in the edit. Writer put on the 'DO NOT HIRE' list. It's a sad echo of a boy's fondness for their homelife before they were sent to boarding school at six. Mummy wouldn't have made it. Cook or Nanny would have. Gross.

Can you help? MPs vote on the Rare Cancers Bill this Friday. However, a last-minute amendment may scupper it. The bill aims to improve research into rare cancers and develop new treatments for them. Please email your MP and ask them to vote for it! Link below. If not, please Like or RT!

Just back to share this. My pal's choir has released a cover of 'Hold Back the River' by #jamesbaymusic (li.sten.to/slymiholdbac...). Proceeds go to @braintumourrsch.bsky.social !! Listen and DONATE. Link: www.justgiving.com/page/singlik... BIG LOVE ❤️

Went to a Vietnamese restaurant and mispronounced phở so badly the waiter tried to give me the heimlich maneuver

the high priestess speaks…

Fuck. Forgot to take my mood stabilisers (quality street) today.

Christ. Reading The Standard website these days is like spinning through Piccadilly Circus on a runaway Wurlitzer. #SaveRegencyCaff. £170k feels decent as well.

I reckon he used AI to get this idea because it’s dog shit. If I want to conversation with an author I’ll go to a talk or contact them via social media. If the author is dead, I’ll use necromancy to summon their spirit as an apparition so I can point out a typo. Or whatever.

imagining an editor at a music publication being like "if the uhc shooter could get his manifesto down to 262 words, you can shorten your EOY album blurb to 250"

I’m watching linear tv and I think it’s time to kill off comedian-led travel show. You don’t get the laughs nor the insight. Surely there’s a more interesting format? Or maybe we can send them to more interesting places? Send Dapper Laughs to Guayana or something…

I mean, this is also true of journalism, publishing, music and just about every industry vampiric gazillionaires are getting their glazed teeth in to.

Just writing a manifesto to carry around with me so people assume I have intentions.

A stunning stat that. Like a punch to the windpipe.

[deletes goodreads account] [deletes twitter account] [deletes whatsapp] [leaves one star review of joe rogan podcast] [burns ‘fuck corporate America’ tattoo off face] [buys a whopper from burger king on uber eats, tips handsomely]

A reminder to please pay your freelancers before popping off for the holidays otherwise Santa won’t visit you and you will be doomed to live in a forever-winter with no Christmas and Mr Tumnus will be turned to stone.

This feels like a really important arti—oh look a squirrel! www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

Like me searching for my toddler during a game of hide and seek

You will not see a cooler fucking cover

NEW: Russian Foreign Ministry confirms that Assad has left Syria.

So these Elves on the Shelves things. What’s the motivation? What’s their story arc? We’re only a few days in and I think ours should be taken in for questioning. Why the loo roll around the tree? Why the sweet theft? I might have to mock-up ours crying in a police cell or something.

Anyone set up a Prince William’s Beard account on here yet?

Merry existentialists.

Back before chemo gave me alcohol intolerance I used to have Bailey’s on Cheerios as an after-dinner treat. That’s something you can just…do.

NEED a unique gift this Christmas? Hire an independent writer like myself for cash. I write: - Abaravsive jokes to ruin family meals ☑️ - Mystery admirer letters to make your partner jealous ☑️ - Irritating WhatsApp conversation starter packs ☑️ - Xmas cards signed in blood ☑️ - All jobs considered

[Channel 5 pitch meeting, portable executive lounge, Hanger Lane Services] “Hear me out…” *takes long drawn-out hit on the Captain Tom bong* “The Cyder Truck. The Wurzels drive Daisy May Cooper to their favourite Somerset cider farms in a Cyber Truck.

Spent weds signing and posting the remaining 40 copies of Animal House I had. 9 orders came in since then so I’ve ordered another 50. If you’d like a signed & personally dedicated copy DM me or reply below. Will save at least 15 minutes dicking around last minute Christmas shopping at the garage.

The billionaire might not be bad but one person amassing such wealth upends the entire capitalist system. It drives inequality, feeds undue influence, raises the price of land and housing, and ensures—through inheritance—that unfairness is baked into the next generation.

Was suffering from year-end ennui, so decided to write about it. Am I alone in feeling disconnected? Is feeling out of touch one of the few things that unifies us? Plus some tips for making the most out of year-end lists www.drownedinsound.org/why-youre-no...

@thobbsjourno.bsky.social hey Man U good?

Jotted down some hard won knowledge about how to get started in music journalism. If you think this is useful to anyone, please share.

Anyone else got their PornHub Unwrapped?

hey, think we should give this neoliberalism a shot. could work out.

Wednesday is the new weekend.

*distant sound of the menswear guy loading a shotgun*

Joe Lean & the Jing Jang Jong.

Where’s that client journalism dude. Did they make the leap?

(long cigarette drag) Listen, kids. Mommy hates Christmas

The GOAT writes…

"I had to wheel a drunk tourist back to her hostel in south-east Asia" "Jakarta?" "No, Krabi"

Proper trollied.

I feel like "Open Sundays and Mondays" would have worked