Seven Nation Arby’s.

The Cheesecake Fear Factory

Death is the leading cause of orphans.

Ben Folds Five Guys

I hate that my FBI agent can accidentally go "hot mic" through my computer speakers and we both have to pretend it never happened because I think we could be lovers.

Being poor means not having investors litigate you out of existence for being kind.

People have forgotten that lying is legally protected if you cross your fingers behind your back.

Mischievously dangling my participles in front of children because I know they can’t read at this grade level.

This is "Ugly Sonic" levels of unsettling

Ripping a bowl of wedding pie before bed to set dreaming to hardcore mode.

Telling kids of the days that people could enjoy life without having to first identify the nearest emergency exit.

Opening a large PDF on your phone like

Me: *has to pee extremely bad* Elon Musk: *spontaneously combusts* Me: *watches dancingly*

Charging my phone beneath my pillow to see if the Tooth Fairy will set me on fire.

Broke: Black Friday shopping Woke: Welcoming Yuletide as a cudgel to punish yourself for all of the bad things that you must have done.

New record: the chorus of Xanadu has played on repeat in my head 2,677 times today.

Depressing: dying alone because mom considered you the sole source of universal suffering. Concerning: dying alone because mom considered you the sole source of universal suffering (speedrun).

Me: My mom: *justification for infanticide*

Tattoo goals

When you just want to throw rocks but the Glee Club is down to fuck.

*receives melon* *upsells as giant grape*

Hakuna Matata means rejecting Calvinism.

“I cast actual missile into the darkness.”

fun fact: asexuals think about garlic bread every 8 seconds

Growing up means watching people repurpose the same absolutist grandstanding that they spent their younger years trying to escape. They think everyone's out to get them, and they pave their allegiances with ultimatums. Satanic Panic meet the Satanic Manic.

I name my fists Manos Del Los Quesos because, win or lose, it's gonna get sloppy.

Starting to feel like I belong on Facebook when there’s an entire ocean just up the road I could walk into instead.

Sometimes you just want a coffee while not being heckled into assimilating to some corporation’s appropriated subculture.

Multitasking is for people who steeple their fingers.

Yes, I'm going to cry, and you're an big meanie for asking.

Everything can be Rob Liefeld's fault if you believe hard enough.

I suspect you'll never catch me wearing my hair in bangs. Not that I'm making it my whole personality or anything except knowing that people always have the option to not wear bangs and do it anyway. Not that I'm judging; they're probably already wearing crocs. #nobangers

Fuck it all; timeline cleanse

he's being turned into a pastry before our eyes

are you fucking serious are you really this fucking stupid

Strong Floor, No Ceiling is considerably worse than No Rules, Just Right. Can’t believe we’re gonna lose the messaging war to Outback Steakhouse.

I hate this more than life itself

Stuck remembering how my friends' long-estranged step-father showed up without warning while they were still grieving their mother to have the cops forcibly remove them from their own home. Then he sued his newly homeless 16yo stepson for returning to recover his things. Greatest country ever.

type in your zodiac into gif and see what comes up post your fave

People: How much faith do you have in the human race? Me:

Type in your zodiac into gif and see what comes up! Post your fave one!

Virtue signaling is just dog whistling in disguise.

I should have been a quant.

Antidepressants are so unbelievably efficient at preventing self-rape. Big Pharma did what the anti-masturbation cross couldn't; I love conserving my essence. 🖕

I don’t hate The Little Drummer Boy but I do lose interest after that promisingly horny first line