I wish my friends would label their posts about baseball with "BASEBALL:" so I could mute "baseball"

Hand to hand combat. In the street. Every night.

Guess I'm gonna go see RUSH!

Was gonna go see the new PT Anderson but I heard there weren't any virgins in it so I'll pass

One Butthole After Another

Joseph Cool

I bought a small latte and a scone this morning and now I'm not only broke but in debt

You know that politicians do not run their own social media, right? And that you don't have to engage with the underpaid 24-year-olds who do? You don't even have to ever look at the posts. Let yourself be free

Talked to my dad (age 83) today and he referred to Putin as “Pootie”

I think that if Johnny Cash could return from the beyond to deliver any message, it would be to tell Gavin Rossdale how proud of him he is

I need to update the encylcopedia in my brain; I just made a reference to Lee Iacocca in a group chat and no one got it

James and the giant bitch

OK, never mind, none of the songs of summer worked out so we're just blasting "Cruisers Creek" out of cars these last few hot weeks

actual pic of me in the Wisconsin Northwoods last weekend

flop country

not me looking up Mark E. Smith's birth chart

You don't have to be weird to be wired... but it sure helps!!!!!

Robert Redford? Him, I'll miss

me: please give my compliments to the chef waiter: of course, sir me: and give them this too (hands him a small ceramic frog) waiter: lovely frog, sir

Every time one of these right wing ghouls is in the news I check social media to see if anyone I know follows them and I'm always some dude I vaguely knew 8 years ago who ended up going down A Strange Path

guy who was on the toilet having the worst diarrhea of his life when 9/11 happened and has had to lie about it every year: when 9/11 happened i was having the best diarrhea of my life

Every millennial woman has the middle name Rose or Grace

what happens up in space is none of my business and I'd rather not know anything about it tbh

Pokey sharted

Me: guess I’ll log in and see what’s going on in the news today The news:

Actual real sentence someone shared in a LinkedIn post I just saw: "I have been teaching my 9yo how to optimize making lunch"

hey im putting something together for my boss for his birthday. yeah can you write a letter or better yet an insane poem or horrifying drawing about the unspeakable crimes you all have committed together

PRO TIP if you have Boomer parents: buy them rechargeable batteries and a charger. They'll go nuts. Got some for my parents last Xmas and every time I talk to them they are gushing over the "best gift EVER." Why???? No idea but trust me

If you are reposting the video of the salt trucks in Chicago, the one with no date on it, which gives no source or credit, which is not being reported by any news organization in town, big or small, then Garfield has a message for you

Morrissey being Gemini sun, Scorpio moon makes more sense than anything else in the universe

she's so gross

my parents are wonderful people but their tragic flaw is that they think Andy Borowitz is the funniest ever

we as a culture completely forgot about "Trapped in the Closet"

What if I was Master Shake in black jeans What if I was Meatwad it's no myth

I'm a Labubu you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk

You know, you can just like... hang out

They are mostly nobodies to me personally, but I think Taylor and Travis are a perfect match and I wish them all the happiness, sincerely

The only thing the military has ever done that I liked

I toasted sourdough bread and now it smells like a Home Depot?

After going like 5 times I'm allowing myself to admit that not only do I not like the Ren Faire, I hate the Ren Faire.

It is painful for me, an Illinois resident who hates both politicians and billionaires, to have a rational-seeming governor.

What if I'm very stupid and no one has ever told me bc they want to spare my feelings? How would I ever know?

stop trying to make Suki Waterhouse happen

people on this platform still earnestly say "this is the way"

Sometimes you meet a person and you just know they grew up in Connecticut. And you're always right

I just started Infinity Nikki and I have no idea what's happening

Man Ray: all hits. all tracks. nuthin but net

people who call Cabbage Patch Kids "Cabbage Patch Dolls" will be put to death

Lookin rough, Cheryl