A little caught off guard by the Artemis 2 mission hitting me emotionally. I didn't even know this project existed two days ago and now here it is, a throwback to 50+ years ago before the enormity of shit hit the fan over my lifetime, and it's not some dumbass throwing garbage into space. It's NASA

I toured a data center recently and a child was getting pushed through the liquid cooling pipeline like Augustus Gloop. I joked "Ain't no chocolate in there" but everybody was panicking and screaming so I yelled louder

We're almost through it everybody. The liars holiday ends in mere hours, and then nobody is allowed to tell another lie for a full calendar year

Every Blue Jays game this year has kicked ass. They are single handedly carrying the water for my pathetic sports fandoms by having that dog in em, unlike those other lesser franchises

Ichiro. Go go go go Ichiro. Rounding third and heading for home. Don't you know he beats the throw. Ichiro, you're unbelievable.

Keep your eyes peeled on "market manipulation Friday". World's worst gacha drops at 4:01

Been looking for something in the archives and I found the most beautiful song I wrote nearly a decade ago

All sex scenes in movies should start with the couple going in for a smooch, and then immediately flash cut to a group of neanderthals trying to smash two rocks together to make fire for twenty minutes, eventually giving up and throwing the rocks on the ground

Happy polio vaccine announcement anniversary. "There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?" remains one of the hardest remarks of all time. Kind of quote every child should be taught

All water is piss, and it's loud as hell, which is why it's referred to as volume. Lot of piss, really loud. That concludes year four of medical school now get out there and be somebody

Uh oh. It's that time again

Making some poor dropout from Wichita watch 300 over and over again on the flight over and saying "gentlemen, do that" as they hop out of the plane with some lunchables and a Colt Single Action Army with ornate engravings that, while nice, gives them no tactical advantage whatsoever

They should send that ragtag team of offshore oil drillers from Armageddon to find the mountain uranium. One last ride.

Sometimes I'll have a dream so grounded and earthbound that I mistake certain events having actually occurred when I wake up. Understandable. I say give the president the benefit of the doubt. *courier from the Atlantic hands me a sack full of cash* oh good my laundry is here

I remember sneaking downstairs late at night to catch The Maxx television show and thinking I was getting away with something super illegal.

You probably couldn't even beat up Saxon in school because it's like having the world's most powerful Mafia guy as your Dad, except instead of Mafioso charm he's a man in his 50s about to absolutely piss himself laughing about 67 in a couple months

Recalling this morning a moment a couple years back at a party I picked up a little pin that looked like a medal, put it on my collar, turned to a pal and said "I got this one for being brave" and we both laughed for about two minutes. Anyways

Fun Football Fact: prior to the start of a play, the quarterback will issue coded commands. These represent different toppings and drinks. When he declares "hut", this signals the center to call pizza hut at his earliest convenience.

It's like the opposite of the bene gesserit. Their plans are measured in minutes

In astrological terms, the strait of hormuz will open up in an instant - philosopher king trump the pansophical

I think wanting Peter Thiel burned at the stake crosses religious lines, and we can all join hands together on the wings of this beautiful dream

*selfishly, with a greedy eye on tomorrow* it's time to quadruple my efforts in understanding photovoltaic systems and industry

*violently shaking so hard my coffee is spraying all over the water cooler crew like a sprinkler system* how about that weather.

class of 2125 waking up extra early to make sure they make the registration cutoff for "Get a Load of THIS Guy: The Last Decades of American Empire" survey course. that one always fills up.

You got it boss. 20ft poster of a Squid, nice and sexy like you wanted

Team USA at the WBC might be the most straightforward argument for DEI that I’ve ever seen

There're a lot of funny things about this dogshit squad blowing it and wearing the jersey of a team that got their ass kicked for 60 minutes of play which only got bailed out in fraudulent overtime is certainly on the list. Aaron Judge wearing an Auston Matthews jersey in a winner-take-all game.

I'm gonna play this until I pull a 9/11 holographic

Anybody want to travel to Japan and ship me 100,000 chibi metal gear rays

Maybe this question is 11 years too late but which of the cassette tapes did you load up on the Pequod to blast on approach in MGSV. I stuck with "Kids in America" because it felt extremely correct

Noticeably more people taking my train instead of their car into the city these days. I wonder if any ill-advised global misadventures could offer a possible explanation for this.

Guy trying to discretely pick up his hentai doujinshi from the wells fargo wagon as the entire town empties into the streets to pick up their mail order brass instruments

And the award for best picture for the 19th year in a row goes to the Japanese dub of Hot Fuzz

it’s beautiful to think One Battle inspired a whole new generation to read Thomas Pynchon’s wikipedia page

The most important thing I've learned from watching the Oscars tonight is that the actor who played Nauls in The Thing died this year. All time gruesome film murder. Big rip to that guy

They're making the "in memoriam" segment 45 minutes at this year's Oscars so nobody will complain about breezing through it ever again

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, Slouches towards Bethlehem to be *Bar door opens* NORM!!!

It would be funny if the conspiratorial rumours that Netanyahu was killed turn out to be true but it's because he choked on some spaetzle in Berlin

I say that any boob Can take and shove a hand down their trousers And I call that sloth the first big step on the road to the depths of deg-ra-day I say, first, underoos from a Sears catalogue, then edging to Toons And that's a capital T that rhymes with G and that stands for Goon

I've had a lot of bad bosses but I've never had to go on television, get pulled away abruptly for an hour, and then upon returning immediately offer to sacrifice my only son on the altar of pedophila. Worst they ever did was crawl up my asshole about timesheets

Too many people drink deep from the poisoned chalice of conspiratorial thinking, like there are still people out there who actually believe Iroquois Pliskin, a lowly Lieutenant Junior Grade, is the legendary hero of Shadow Moses Solid Snake.

The Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs was intentionally injured tonight by an opposing player and his teammates just kind of stood around and did nothing. That's always been this team's identity but now they've got the putrid regular season record too.

Nobody's broaching the elephant in the room: closing the Strait of Hormuz is going to have direct consequences on Monster Jam. You won't see that headlining a newspaper because it's certifiable evidence that the American Experiment has failed.

[Lawrence of Arabia, spotted over the horizon miraculously carrying that extra barrel of oil thought lost, collapses from exhaustion in the arms of the convoy] Nothing is written because I don't know how to read

Oh uh, thanks man. You probably shouldn't have sent this through the mail.

Steeling the lads for the inevitable suicide hormuz run ordered by some drunk

I’m glad that moron blowhard fucking idiot screamed “Unconditional Surrender” before all this. Maybe he’ll have a heart attack

New job in repossessing for people who missed a fast-food payment on klarna. Better hope it's sitting in the fridge because we're snatching fingers and toes for living outside your McNugget means.

[stands outside a construction site porta potty wearing a tuxedo and handing out napkins] for your hands, sir

Still my favourite ad campaign of all time. Here's the booze that makes you fight.