📌I am going to put this nicely: Democrats continuing to foist Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries on us as "leaders" during these terrifying times that demand strength, bravery, and resolve is really, really fucking insulting.

I’m sure it’s fine that we’re all trapped in one old guy’s dying mind

Even the soccer moms and dads are talking about more than snacks and vacations these days so we might almost be at a turning point.

“No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices.” - Edward R. Murrow

One day we will find out just how much cocaine and amphetamine use fueled this White House and it will somehow, despite all the insanity to this point, still be shocking.

How is any of this timeline real?

And just like that, everyone’s talking about Tylenol instead of how the president and his friends really like young ladies.

These people might just be the stupidest mother fathers ever created, which is quite an accomplishment for whatever nazi bog demon’s ass they emerged from.

I guess the big Acetaminophen lobby didn’t stuff enough cash into those inauguration gift envelopes.

People who think they have to worry about future elections don’t act the way these people are acting.

So this was the view from my front porch in northern Michigan last night, which was a nice reminder that everything here is pretty small and temporary.

I’m worried it can still get stupider

For a while there it looked like we were all gonna live happily ever after, eating out of food trucks

If you are that scared of Jimmy Kimmel then you know your shit is built on a house of cards that should collapse under ANY organized dissent. Fuck. Jimmy Kimmel. Basically the comedy equivalent of lightly toasted bread with a spritz of margarine spray! Got them all shitting their shit.

They have everything they could possibly want and yet they’re still the whiniest, unhappiest people ever.

One of the things I've hated since 2016 is having every aspect of daily life dominated by the most reprehensible people currently on this planet. Endlessly having to deal with relentless bullshit has absolutely taken a toll on everyone I know, on all "sides" of the political spectrum.

The time to lower the temperature was ten years ago.

Everything is just so goddamned upside down right now.

Maybe we should keep trying to put crazy, sexually depraved, antique white men in charge of everything because they must be the best humanity has to offer.

we could have had a president who shuts the fuck up on weekends, just saying

I have a sneaking suspicion things are just going to get worse and worse until someone stops him.

Super cute to watch grown adult babies cheer on military takeovers of cities they’re afraid to even drive their big boy truck-trucks in.

The President of the United States just essentially declared a war on Chicago because — wait for it! — Black and Brown people live here. This is not normal. This is not okay. And we are going to fucking fight back.

The country may be collapsing in slow-motion flames, institutions crumbling like week-old cake, but hey—at least I can buy a giant skeleton for more than it cost last year!

It’s Friday and everything is still stupid.

We are being governed by the stupidest, most arrogant, worst human beings ever created.

This is only half serious but whoever keeps leaving hotel room TVs with the default “motion smoothing” setting turned on should be charged with war crimes.

I hear that Walter Reed Total Landscaping is a great place to visit this time of year.

It kind of makes sense that the CDC would get destroyed by someone who looks like he thawed out from a test tube in a biohazard freezer.

I was under the impression that Cracker Barrel sucked because of the food that gives you the night sweats and the uh-ohs and not because of some already shitty turned shittier then back again logo.

✋

You’ll get your ass kicked for taking someone’s parking space in the winter or putting ketchup on a hotdog in Chicago. Good luck sending your jag-off troops in there, Yam Tits & Co.

It’s almost Pumpkin Spice Donald Trump is All Over the Epstein Files Season!

I saw my first ICE attack — 4 unmarked black SUVs with blue lights flashing, w three house painters cuffed on the side of a highway they'd backed up for 30 minutes in both directions — and I can tell you this much: I will die hating these people, and I will spend the rest of my life ruining theirs.

How hollow, humiliated, and terminally fucked do the MAGA faithful have to be to look at Trump’s display of groveling submission to Daddy Putin today and call it “masculine”?

How pathetic do you have to be to keep shoving your greasy little worldview into every corner of American life? MAGA isn’t content to just be awful alone—they have to infect everything. The Kennedy Center, the Smithsonian, your kid’s school library—it’s all fair game for their sad culture crusade.

This is American greatness right here.

A brief reminder from reality: We are the majority. Trump represents an angry minority.

The only thing to fear about MAGA is the social leprosy of being seen within sniffing distance of it. These people aren’t warriors; they’re the Island of Misfit Toys with a grievance complex, nursing the wounds of small, unremarkable lives and lashing out at the world that forgot them. 🧵

The military takeover of Washington is not a “distraction” from Epstein. It’s a military takeover of Washington, which is an even bigger deal, and those of us who kill brain cells reporting on this stuff knows it’s been an explicit goal since before the election.

It just gets dumber every single day. That’s the only constant.

👋 Friendly reminder- We have to stop pretending justice is coming. It’s not. The villain’s winning & the boot is already on your neck. Your choice now: witness, collaborator, or resistor. Your conscience won’t shield you, but it’s proof you’re still free. If you are feeling rage, aim it. 🎯

Dems. Wanna get your polling out of the gutter? Stop talking about redrawing house maps in blue states and do it. Go big. Don't match them seat for seat. Blow them out of the water. Then endorse Mamdani. You're welcome. Love, Allison

How did we get an entire corporate and political world full of scumbags and bastards, all we did was incentivize that behavior at every turn

I’m old enough to remember reading Snow Crash when it was a cautionary tale and not a blueprint for some billionaire dork’s fantasy empire.

Legal friends, help me out here — how the heck has the whole thing not leaked yet? I know it’s not like one big flash drive of info but still, how does it not all leak by now?

The United States Deputy Attorney General will speak with a convicted pedophile who has nothing to lose and everything to gain by helping an alleged pedophile, and that alleged pedophile is our President.

Trash fires, while dangerous, can be extremely fun to watch from a safe distance.