elon musk has been making so many false assertions about history & politics. this one in particular made me guffaw.

working on a new unified theory of american reality i'm calling "everyone is twelve now"

Relieved for the New York criminal voters that no longer have to choose between two criminals

please read my insanely embarrassing piece in the NYT "It's Bad—Why I Revised My Thoughts Regarding Poo Poo" that I was paid $90000 to write

Prepare yourself for the pain and fever relief wellness grift that's coming

shit ain’t over til it’s over

If Michigan bans porn we'll just make it in our bathtubs

The Second Civil War came but it was just right-wing extremists fighting for influence over the Grand Wizard of the United States

Update: Civil War cancelled due to shooter being demographically uncooperative

They say Charlie Kirk was a true patriot, but he made me forget about 9/11.

Finally, it's go outside weather in Michigan.

The craziest thing about Trump sending armed troops to occupy 19 states is that he’s doing it to distract from being in the Epstein Files and everyone knows it.

JD Vance: The difference between Donald Trump and Gavin Newsom is that Trump is an authentic crazy person, Gavin is just mimicking one.

Cracker Barrel's degenerate rebranding makes me think about skin-to-skin missionary sex without the sheet with the hole in it for purposes other than procreation, and that's why it's woke!

Rooting for the mold

Last night @thebandcake.bsky.social rocked a big Michigan crowd and I had an excellent time. Was really cool they gave away a tree, which I learned they have been doing at every show for years. It was a Michigan native cherry tree that appears to have found a lovely home. Thanks for a great time!

Alberta, write me in

MULLIN: There was a sweetheart plea deal that was struck in 2009 under Obama TAPPER: No. It was 2008. The US attorney was Alex Acosta. He was a Bush appointee. He went on to become Trump's secretary of labor M: Who was in office at the time? T: Bush M: No. Obama was in office TAPPER: Not true

My gut tells me that Trump deception rolled this WSJ letter and it's probably not real. This absolute bullshit about "Democrats" at WSJ setting him up and the MAGA redemption narrative is a bit too much

Imagine patting yourself on the back for successfully squashing your pedophile bromance letters

And he had a Pepsi with Kylie Jenner

YES PLEASE

Chivalry is dead, but to be fair, Paul McCartney and Elton John don't want to sleep with your wife

Back in the day we used to say, "Twitter, do you thing"

Wow

I was listening to some tunes tonight with a date and we both kinda lost it during Future is a Foreign Land by Ghost. Why you gotta do this to me, Spooky Bon Jovi?

Fox News: "A shocking poll shows Texas Democrat Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett is leading in the race for incumbent Republican John Cornyn's Senate seat."

You know the Kelloggs founders are looking down at this scandalized that their anti-masturbation wellness corn flakes have been seized by decadent Italian nut butter merchants

Trump threatening to essentially sanction Brazil for prosecuting an attempt to overturn an election is somehow a less subtle version of US-Latin America policy than the actual coups we did

MTG this whole time

For reference:

They're coming after my vape clouds

Taekwondodos ... ATTACK!

Futurama accidentally predicted the two moods of the modern day poster

CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien were friends, and they were contemporaries, but Lewis just happened to be born at the right time to write fantasy in parallel with Tolkien, and he's lucky for that, because Tolkien wrote all of the fantasy, and after he died there was no more fantasy to write.

Get your concentration camp merch and pay less at Menard's

🚨BOMBSHELL: Rep. John Garamendi just EXPOSED that Trump will get $1 MILLION in his pocket if this bill passes: “Trump alone earned almost $50M last year in crypto…that’s a million dollar tax break for him.” The corruption is OFF THE CHARTS.

"Anyone who labels him an antisemite is demeaning that loaded phrase. Many are mistakenly conflating strong criticism of the Israeli government’s policies with antisemitism. By that fallacious definition, we have tens of thousands of Jewish antisemites living in New York City."

Netanyahu and Khamenei should setup an Onlyfans for John Birch Society members

Netanyahu, notorious ceasefire honorer, kept attacking while Trump was ready to put up his Mission Accomplished banner.

His anger at Israel is kinda giving "YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF VANESSA"

One of the unsaid things about all of this is that anti-abortion laws are another way for insurance companies to deny claims. Also, doctors aren't afraid of breaking laws to perform procedures for eptopic/stillborn pregnancies, because those determinations are made by their malpractice insurance.

I hope they have enough Ivermectin for the radiation poisoning

Cum in my hair, do it again, or whatever Shania Twain said

Asbestos is back baby! www.wired.com/story/trump-...

You can take the beaver killer out of the wiener, but you can't take the wiener out of the beaver killer

TIL the members of LMFAO are compromised of a son and grandson of Barry Gordy Jr

Putin is mad at Trump for letting Netanyahu bomb Iran so he sent Tucker Carlson after Ted Cruz

The predominately Catholic, British Commonwealth member state with a representative government, English-speaking nation of Nigeria has once again made it to Trump's travel ban list.