I’m at the point where even as a man I would choose the bear. Like, the only reason I would choose the man is to make sure he’s not the reason every woman I know chooses the bear.

They call it “oughtism” because everyone tells you what you should have done instead

Nominating this for Editorial Cartoon of the Week.

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

Hey Orban!

To any Hungarians annoyed that Americans are placing the credit for your momentous victory on the shoulders of our stunningly repellent little weasel of a VP: you are correct to feel that way, I'm sorry, we just want to seize any available oppurtunity to humiliate him specificially

Dear Melania, Way to go! Get out in front of those rumors. That’ll shut ‘em down for sure. Sincerely, Barbra Streisand

Open the fuckin’ strait, you crazy bastards

I love dogs;)

Michael B. Jordan is the Michael Jordan of people named Michael Jordan who aren't Michael Jordan.

Shitty football coach, shittier senator, even shittier human being.

I have literally been thinking ever since Alex Pretti was murdered, that if I were to get killed trying to keep ICE from assaulting and disappearing members of my community, no matter who they are or where they came from, I can’t think of many more noble ways to go out. Fuck you to infinity, Elon.

BREAKING: Giant Scoop Of Ice Cream Spotted Levitating Over Seattle

I talked about my fantasy team to a man in Reno just to watch him die of boredom.

Ive watched this about 100 times. This is why the internet was invented. Right here. Peak content.

Yo, if anyone in the Bucs front office is reading this: Prepare Bowles’ walking papers and get Sean McDermott’s agent on the phone. NOW.

They gotta stop letting these lower conference teams like (checks notes) Alabama into the playoff. They just get blown out and it really dilutes the product. This ain’t March Madness, y’all.

Psst—hey Chris Berman! Rams placekicker Harrison Mevis (and Butthead). You’re welcome.

Royal Caribbean is now sailing out of Los Angeles. I’m just curious—can cruise ships go through the Panama Canal??? Because if not, in order to get from LA to the Caribbean they’re gonna have to navigate the Drake Passage.

There is no Erika only Zuul

Who’s on first

LFG! Tired of spineless corporate Dems like Chickenlooper representing my state.

Butker really shouldn’t have pissed off all those witch covens.

I just don’t understand how a 138-team league with no salary cap, no revenue sharing, and unlimited, unrestricted free agency amongst both players and coaches would have trouble determining who makes the playoffs

Drafting #SFB live for the first time! #sfb15 #sfblive #denver

A daylight savings time haiku: Already noon, fuck Give me back my fucking hour You son of a bitch

This is Jerry Lawson. He invented the video game cartridge for the Fairchild Channel F system. Because of his invention, many consoles had cartridges and CD formats and would become the norm. The Atari 2600, NES, Genesis, and many consoles wouldn't exist without him. Happy Black History Month.

That’s the dumbest fucking trade I’ve ever seen, regardless of sport, fantasy or IRL. Did Adam Silver go in and whip that up himself, knowing the NBA gets better ratings when the Lakers are contenders???

My Super Bowl prediction: By the start of the third quarter, Drake is gonna wish his mama had gotten him taken care of.

Well shit, was hoping there would be drunken brawls on Bourbon Street between Philly fans and Bills Mafia all next week

TikTok is back but like, in the way your long lost son appears on your doorstep after a mysterious disappearance & he looks & sounds the same but he’s harboring a dark secret and ok lemme turn off Lifetime

Since the Rams have no actual fans, I wonder what Eagles fans will do with no one in the stands to harass/assault

@shannisknight.bsky.social saw Kliff Kingsbury on the sideline and went ‘what is Alan Tudyk doing coaching in this game???’🤣🤣🤣

Mike Evans holds the NFL record for most consecutive 1000-yard receiving seasons to begin a career, as well as most reply guys incessantly chiming in to complain he’s just a stat compiler and not actually good anytime he’s mentioned in a social media post

The child? Okay. The movie? Uh oh.

Fun fact: if you spill Traeger pellets and it rains/snows before you clean them up, it looks like rabbits shit all over your patio

I'm still writing 2024 on all my war crimes tribunal forms.

The Etroit Lions.

Holy shit some lady was picking her nose in the stands on MNF

Please tell me at some point Jude Law’s character breaks out Mr. Napkinhead for the kids on this show. #skeletoncrew

Attention sex bot account owners!!! Learn my type. The ones you're sending do not interest me...

Take the damn ‘Student Driver’ magnet off your car. We all know you’re not a student and you just suck at driving.

Where did the Chiefs get these two jamokes playing tackle, FSU?

Smoked & roasted pumpkin seeds w/chili-lime seasoning and mesquite sea salt

When my nephew takes the biggest piece of pumpkin pie despite me being a large adult man and needing the pie sustenance more than himself

Desperately want to go play a pub quiz tonight just so I can make up a Tom Cruise fish themed team name