If any of you Americans need an Emotional Support Canuck I have nanaimo bars and butter tarts

Cocaine so white it tells ya "well, we'd better getta move on, here"

It really is much less Nazi- ish over here.....

STFU im a wizard

Oh hey Did I miss anything?

So you get over 5k likes on a skeet one time and then you can never get another? Kool, Kool......

Its Slurpee day so I only cried for a half hour after my shower this morning

Hitting up every 7 11 in the Slurpee capital of North America....

Date: what do you like to do for fun? Me: get high and tell dad jokes on the internet. hbu? Date: get high and read dad jokes on the internet Me: 😍 Date: 😍

goes in for a high five....

Men just don't challenge other men to a duel with swords for your honour like they used to

Im practically perfect if you ignore my flaws

As a tee, hoodie, mug, pin, or sticker www.etsy.com/shop/AntiTru...

Establish dominance with your own home sized nuclear weapon

Im from Canada and the only bomb around here is this bomb ass pu$$y

My boobs do good deeds They are philanthrotitties

For fun I like to go out to the bar and give guys my ex's phone number and use his girlfriends name as my own. Im going to stay toxic forever

Sorry about that sack tap, I was trying to flirt

The accuracy 😂💀

Marriage, perhaps?

Every June Happy Pride People 🏳️‍🌈

If he has any letters in his name he's most definitely a ho

Can someone please fix my Wikipedia page? I did not stab EVERY SINGLE ONE of my exes

You tell me to go fuck myself like I haven't already done that 4 times today (And will do it another 4 times today)

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don't dance and if they don't dance well they're no friend of mine.

Wrote, “Super Yacht,” in Sharpie on the back of my Nissan Micra so now I own a super yacht.

Dream date

He's in your DMs He's in my DMs He's in everyone's DMs That guy's a ho

Sorry I made things weird It will happen again, because Im a weirdo

Who would believe me when I don’t even have “real” in my handle?

Sure sex is amazing, but have you ever been right about absolutely everything?

Watching playoff hockey is great cause who doesn't want to raise their blood pressure to levels that shed years off your life expectancy?

Imagine blocking me only to miss this post about you.

Toronto always has to do something to stick out from the rest of Canada Like really? Leafs falling in the spring every year? Gimme a break

I look like trouble and taste like heaven

Wait What??

Someone should invent invisalign but for straightening out your life

You're in his DMs, so am I but I am way funnier

I'm three quick summer flings away from the ultimate hoodie collection

those 3 little words: ok yeah but

"How many people can you possibly be sexting consecutively?" 7 The answer is 7 before you call one of them by the wrong nickname 😬

My bills are all paid and now I can enjoy my leftover 6 dollars and 26 cents

i guess for the kool aid man edging is just standing in front of the wall as the need builds until....oh yeah

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here staring into the void and wondering what the fuck is going on ......

They were just called 'Tels' till your mom stayed in one

"Why would we need a sports team to win a championship? We have a pope" -People from Chicago, probably

I adore nature

I'm performing hip surgery on myself today but it's okay cause I watched a You Tube video and I'm now an expert '