GET.THE.FUCK.IN.

I would LOVE it if Southampton can get one here and win on pens. LOVE it. #nufc

I found paracetamol was useless after mainlining Dettol during covid. I had to amputate an arm. That did the trick. MAGA.

This pleases me. #nufc

Happy Birthday to Ceefax, the first and last place for your breaking football news. Running home from school and furiously tapping in p302 on the remote, hoping for some transfer gossip. Then onto p312 for the News in brief. Good times.

I’ve got 2 questions right on University Challenge so far tonight. Scholar.

1st day of work in ages. Done. Learned I’ve only got to go to the office every 6 months or so. That was an unexpected but EXTREMELY welcome revelation. Sexy fucking times!

I think Steve Bruce could do a fantastic job at keeping Aston Villa out of relegation trouble this season. He knows the club and he knows the city really well.

That was a sexy goal for my FPL team, which was in need of resuscitation…

We player like Brazil, I thought. Albeit with a chromosome or two missing. Onwards and upwards. We didn’t lose. #nufc

Fun fact: the average age of a Bournemouth fan means they invariably smell of piss. Howay the lads! #nufc

It’s getting tight at the top of #ToonSkyScraper #FPL league! @antallen.bsky.social still leading the pack. My own ascent is slightly pedestrian though I expertly (accidentally) deployed my Bench Boost to gain a massive 4 points this week. Smooth.

This is my LAST day off work after 14 months of doing whatever I want all the time. Holy fucking shitballs. I’m looking forward to seeing my bank balance going up rather than the opposite for so long. I think I’ve watched everything on TV, drunk and eaten far too much so feel ready. It’s time.

That Fulham goal was classy. Who’d have thunk this game would be the ‘barn-burner™️’ of the day?!

What did you do today? I watched four football matches, drank copious amounts of beer, stayed dry AND made a fucking pizza - chilli, pepperoni and mushroom. Who says men can’t multitask?! Fools. 🍽️

I am firmly a huge Chelsea fan until full time. I fucking hate Arsenal so I’m halfway there.

This could possibly be the most humiliating defeat Chelsea ever suffer.

It’s ‘Let’s Laugh at Man Utd’ time. Been looking forward to this, as always.

I have found my calling, I knew this day would come. Where can you buy jars on bulk?!

Who’s that new lad just come on for Liverpool? Never heard of him…

Possibly a slight delay to kick-off as the ground staff appear to have left a tractor in the middle of the pitch. Kind of wish we were joking.

Bit nippy in Costa Del Shields mind. Ive had to close the windows and put a t-shirt on.

Captained Salah so watch him limp off after a couple of minutes…

Thinking I’m going to stay indoors today. I probably would have if it was glorious sunshine, to be fair. There is a lot of football on. Every cloud and all that…

To celebrate my last weekend of a self-imposed 14 month period of unemployment… This weekend I will be watching football and drinking beer. In my pants, mainly. I may put a Toon top on for our match. I’m sensing little change…

This could end in tears. Brown tears.

I hope this cunt hasn’t bred.

Whoever thought it was a good idea for England to try and play cricket in Ireland, in September is a twat. I’m going to have to entertain myself today now. Any ideas?!

We narrowly lost to a very good team and were nowhere near our best. I’m hanging out my rectum, in other news. Sideways. #nufc

He’s fucking scuffed that. Jammy cunt.

Great game for neutral. I need therapy. #nufc

Tino is definitely giving Laura Woods the eyes!

Pace on the break to burn. Love it.

T-2.5 hours to KO. I’ve lost count of #cans though I’m feeling more optimistic than usual (which is often bordering on delusional). Tactical masterclass from Wor Eddie is incoming. I can feel it in my bones. I would sell a kidney for a ticket, maybe both. #nufc

LOOK AT THE TV LISTINGS #NUFC

Tell you what, the bookies slightly favour us. I wasn’t expecting that. Bet your house on us! I would but I lost mine and a finger on a different bet. #nufc

Barca beer number 1 is gliding down. T-7 hours and feeling like a bairn at Xmas. I’m employing a ‘no-spirits policy’ as I peaked a bit early for PSG game. I could see 2 screens in the 2nd half. #nufc

Two magpies, we’re smashing Barca tonight #nufc

I wish Simeone was my Dad. Sorry Dad.

He meant that deflection. It’s a skill. Now for the winner Athleti!

I’m not sure Simeone has a plan B. I hope I’m wrong and it’s violent.

See a certain Swedish cunt starts tonight in the CL. I’d never wish an injury on anyone, probably. At the very least I hope he plays like Shola on a bad day. #nufc

I would not fancy being an Irish bowler in this T20… Brutal. 🏏

It’s rare but sometimes I’m proud of this country and it’s people.

Played a blinder there, son. Grief-free debauchery incoming!

And he’s waxa on the deck. In the bag this lads. Plus, Yamal’s having his hair done, apparently. #nufc

I will NEVER get bored of laughing at Man Utd. I can genuinely see them getting relegated this year. If there is a God of football I’m sure he’s with me on this. Also hopefully on Thursday night against Barca too! #nufc