A friend of mine is an undocumented immigrant and has been hiding at the Great American State Fair bc he knows no one is there.

I dreamed I was baking cakes for Stalin, endless cakes, and one bad cake would mean instant death. Can the government not do something? Glad to see The Onion chat shows tackle these problems in their stupid way!

Hot, sweaty homeowners of Toronto, 5 years ago I bought a huge very dark blue retractable awning for the back deck, best purchase ever. Saves on $$$, melanoma, heat rage, all those nice things. Good work from Rolltec Awnings of Concord.

Ambidexterous handshaking taking its toll, it appears.

New ‘Jackass’ Trailer Shows Aging Johnny Knoxville Trying To Climb Staircase Without Handrail https://theonion.com/new-jackass-trailer-shows-aging-johnny-knoxville-trying-to-climb-staircase-without-handrail/

The Montreal killer who initially stuck his rifle out of a hotel window was an incel who hated attractive women, tall handsome men (as opposed to "common men" like him) and social situations like "parties." Too many hates to list here. montrealgazette.com/news/local-c...

listen, obviously Trump is the asshole here, but really, "all the way to Wisconsin?" It's not like you tracked Pol Pot down in the Cambodian jungle, it's just the midwest.

Looking very strong, sir. Hobblemaxxing like no one has ever seen

Just once I would love to see the male journalists in the White House press corps tell Trump to his face to shut the fuck up with this misogynistic crap. The women shouldn’t be expected to do it on their own.

Trump looks dazed as he's driven to his golf club today (Roberto Schmidt/Getty)

All Fours

A study of 750 Ebola survivors in the DRC found close to 90% had long-term symptoms despite receiving treatments such as monoclonal antibodies. Symptoms persisted for >3 years The public health response always seems to focus on death as the only bad outcome academic.oup.com/ofid/article...

Scottish people notoriously thrifty but PM Sturgeon's wifey went mad for pens. Big fecking pens. They're just pennies, says pen hoarder, loads of refills, like Gary Shteyngart gathering wee watches, but it's PENS! I get it, says Shteyngart. @shteyngart.bsky.social Pen crime. Like watches but thin.

no way man 😭

The Caylan Ford libel trial continues in Calgary. It may become a classic in Canadian libel law. As someone who loves and relies on the CBC, I would say the latest testimony does not look in any way good for the CBC or freelance journalists. Good lessons here www.cancelcultureontrial.com/blog/day-34

Shocking case here: an Alberta judge sentenced a man to 4 years in prison for cutting off a woman's finger & forcing her to eat it. Court of Appeal found the sentencing decision was rife with errors, including "character assassination" of the Indigenous victim edmontonjournal.com/news/crime/a...

McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch https://theonion.com/mccormick-introduces-new-transdermal-gravy-patch/

i call my mom every sunday to share personal news and chat. she's really into celebrities, so i tell her about the famous people i've pissed off in the last week. she gets super excited.

Table Tennis Champion Too Weak To Hoist Trophy Over Head

Via Guardian: "Kimmel made the joke three days before the shotting. “Obviously, it was a joke about their age difference and the look of joy we see on her face every time they’re together,” he said. “It was a very light roast joke about the fact that he’s almost 80 and she’s younger than I am. "

Actual footage of the president of the United States on Thursday, April 23, 2026. (Previous photo deleted.) h/t Aaron Rupar @atrupar.com

Even as a critic who has tried to write about MJ’s legacy with nuance and grace, I appreciate the clarity the director of Leaving Neverland brings to the table

Ashamed Meta Employee Just Tells Everyone He Works As Guard In Private Prison For Disabled Children https://theonion.com/ashamed-meta-employee-just-tells-everyone-he-works-as-g-1851012454/

Damnit, Underweight Meat is what I should have called my Substack.

It’s the much-missed Sean Lock’s birthday

Great journalism here: "The BBC... found a consistent pattern of spikes just hours, or sometimes minutes, before a social media post or media interview was made public. Some analysts say it bears the hallmarks of illegal insider trading..."

It’s that time again.

CBC story is new to me but the hearing is of interest to all journalists (and anyone on social media). Libel cases are hard to follow but www.cancelcultureontrial.com will provide basic daily info. Golly. www.cbc.ca/news/canada/...

LondonCentric reports that shoplifting is so bad in London that thieves complain when sandwiches aren't on the shelves quickly enough for them to steal. GREAT local reporting.

I don't recall any previous transformative technologies that had to be sold to the public so hard. No one in 1999 was going, "Guys. Cell phone? It's coming, whether we like it or not. I think it's important, FOR WOMEN ESPECIALLY, to learn about cell phone. So that we're not left behind!!"

Jaw dropping article by @kayewiggins.ft.com and Stefania Palma on how the Trump administration’s disinterest in white-collar crime has caused a bear market for defence lawyers. The quotes are all 😮from the intro down. www.ft.com/content/befa...

Did Steve Bannon, um, pee himself? Someone else can check the video, I'm not doing that.

Good column about UK autistic boy fed by online misogny who slaughtered little girls at Southport dance class. He was enabled by parents in denial. It's the Nancy Lanza dilemma. What should bullied parents do? www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

I just cannot emphasize enough and it's frustrating how people don't get it: sexual violence is a strong predictor of other kinds of violence and abuse, especially against women and children. www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/202...

trvthnvke

Last month in The Onion:

New Interview: www.newyorker.com/news/q-and-a...

New media alert! Editor Alison Uncles 💛 at the helm. @be-giant.bsky.social 👇🏻👇🏻

"Reform Judaism has accepted Jews by patrilineal descent since a Central Conference of American Rabbis resolution in 1983." reformjudaism.org/glossary/pat...

Well put. www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2026/0...

Couldn’t Donald just deem the strait closed with his Jesus laser?

Congratulations to Péter Magyar on a decisive election victory in Hungary. The Hungarian people have chosen a new path. We are ready to work with you, and our European allies, to deepen our cooperation in trade, defence, and security.

One thing hasn't changed. Boomers or millennials, male bosses still want young female staff in their hotel rooms and women still don't have the power to say absolutely not. Women are still hunted like prey. Hey Swalwell.

Remarkable. Paper products for 50 million people up in smoke because:

This is a dreadful story about dishonesty. There are a lot of people who want very badly to be "writers." But they don't want to write. AI is their partner in fraud. Maybe they genuinely can't see that though.