shared a room with my five year old during christmas travel and woke up every morning to her performing an original song called “I wonder if daddy is awake and can hear me singing”

santa isn’t coming this year because he’s on a “semen retention journey”

A Christmas elf’s candy cane stripes represent their achievements in battle. Red indicates an elf has drawn blood, while green is reserved for those with confirmed kills. More exotic colors designate elves who take a particular pleasure in dismemberment

"people with renaissance-level art skills don't exist anymore" yes they do their username is something like 03748218_ and they spend all their time drawing pornography so deranged it'd kill hugh hefner a second time

Fe-maille uwu #art

when i say i'm "going to bed", i really mean i am going to fantasize about my OCs kissing until sleep eventually stops me

Today we are unleashing Skynet, from the famous science fiction movie "Don't Create The Skynet"

I am particularly fond of those times when a poet is compelled by the Spirit of Great Horniness to produce a work just a few hairs shy of pure pornography (Charles Simic)

this tee k.o. winner from eight years ago was maybe the hardest I’ve ever laughed at anything. fuck

I found underneath the massive backyard leaf pile my beautiful children have been playing in for the past four weeks a decomposing rabbit

everyone loves to picture the yeti, majestic, pure white fur framed against a brilliant blue sky as it stalks the frigid cliffs of a craggy mountain. well, I’m sorry to say that if you think about it for even one minute it’s obvious the big guy’s legs would be absolutely slathered in piss and shit

um

giving my buddy a nut tap and watching his health bar tick down

Marcus the worm Oil on 8x10 canvas

Sat behind and listened to a pair of weebs but for my own culture on the train the other day. An English lass and a Scottish lad were talking about my people like the sun shined out of our arses. It was a genuinely weird but kinda nice experience, I would do it again lol.

I’ve learned from my mistakes. This time I’m sending Igor to the “sexy cemetery,” where they bury only perfect tens

This is Herman. He learned how to eat corn on the cob today. And within 11 seconds, he became an expert. 13/10 (TT: devonjohnson07)

I wonder how many people have been recruited into terrorism because they played a lot of command and conquer generals in their formative years and sympathized with the GLA because their soundtrack was banger after banger

when you masturbate you’re participating in an unbroken chain stretching back hundreds of thousands of years to the very first humans who stood in awe under the vast mystery of an unpolluted sky and retreated to their caves and hollows to yank pud to horny cave paintings. every stroke a holy mystery

ignoring the admonitions of the superstitious villagers at the local inn because I don’t believe in Big Dick Wolfman

To protect the world from (further) devastation ✨✨ #CriticalRole #criticalrolefanart

Sherman is an arsehole

👉👈

I've been following the progress of this foal called Rocky who was born with three legs! I've NEVER seen this before, a horse with three legs isn't like dogs or cats with a missing limb, it's basically unheard of. But he's 7 months old and the vet says he's doing great. I love the way he eats grass.

Zombie fiction is, at its core, about the fear of seeing your own body age and decay. Ghost stories are about the impossibility of grappling with the past. Vampires are about what if you got so horny you died

I miss romcoms from 2004 where the female protagonist lived in an open plan apartment with a balcony and her job was recipe writer for the local gazette or some shit. Nowadays romcoms are all "a man cheated on this chick who lives in a sewer coz the bank closed down".

"daddy fell asleep on the floor when we were playing ponies" okay, and so what? so what if that's true?

I would kill tuvix too. freaky ass mutant

there must have been some kind of mistake. all my clothes got raptured up to heaven but left me behind. flapped my dingle to a city bus

Fuck a bluesky blackout, we need a whiteout. Cum everywhere, a week of moderators being unable to escape The Cum.

putting this on your timeline again

DEAD HEAT! It's like a movie people would make up to mock 80s movies. Is it any good? No. Is it entertaining? Treat Williams plays a cop called Roger Mortis who whilst investigating a series of crimes by seemingly unkillable crooks, gets zombified himself, and this happens...

i made a new emoji to capture a feeling

my daughter got stung by a bee for the first time last night. got her a popsicle and calmed her down but she was still so sad. "I wasn't even bothering that little bee"

Over the Garden Wall 🍂✨ #overthegardenwall #cuteart #illustration

me every day

caught our druid doing that thing with a tree again. I fucking hate this party

my five year old was getting a little frustrated playing mario kart and muttered under her breath “I’m gonna wreck this world…”

CATHEDRALS! EVERYWHERE!

KIM KITSURAGI - "What is it, detective? Can you make it out?" BULLET - "if you read this you are gay lmao" 1. "It, um, doesn't say anything." 2. "Transgender ideology. My old foe." 3. [Espirit de Corps - Medium 10] "I think you should read it for yourself, Kim."

Lowering the flags on 9/11 at the Guantanamo Bay McDonald's for Charlie Kirk is the most dril tweet thing that's ever happened

I miss when the term “provocateur” was reserved for like, a guy who would put his nuts on film

They erased the new Banksy mural in London. But the stain remains.

One of my favourite studies in 2024, Mark Rylance as Thomas Cromwell in Wolf Hall. Took about 4-5 hours I reckon I often flip the reference and work-in-progress to compare the two pieces with fresh eyes. (Wish there was a way to turn it off in the recording though! 😬)