What is something that seems like a good idea on paper, but completely ridiculous in real life? My vote: umbrella hats

I disagree that Bluesky is dying. Almost 30% of my posts are liked by at least 2 people

I just unmuted all my muted followers. Don't make me regret it.

No fair that an island near the Arctic circle is about two weeks further along with spring than Iowa

Heathcliff > Garfield

I'm working next to a train track and I don't have any pennies to put on the rails. Fucking Trump.

My St. Patrick's T-shirt: "Nod Familiarly at Me, I'm Descendant from Protestant Irish!"

My 26 year streak of not seeing the Oscar best picture remains unbroken. Hail Gladiator!

I'm a chess grandmaster* (*I regularly beat elementary kids because I know all the rules and think more than one move ahead)

The one Trump campaign promise I agreed with was getting rid of daylight savings, and he fucks it up

A co-worker call the mud and dirt that comes off your boots when you smack them together "Boot Clappin's" which sounds like a Jimmy Dean's breakfast product.

In the story of Humpty Dumpty it is never said that he is an egg. However, it is never said that he is NOT an egg. This means that any character in ANY story could be an egg unless explicitly stated otherwise. Keep that in mind when you read a Jack Reacher novel

A sow named "Beauty" depicted in an 1875 atlas of Washington County, Iowa. I'll post a picture of her boyfriend- the sire of the same farm-in the replies

True fact: If someone else eats your name on your birthday cake they steal your soul

They will literally sell anybody a ski lift ticket, no questions asked. Weird.

My wife told me that a good bra costs $50-$75! I never knew. If society required men to wear bras Hanes would sell them in a 4-pack for $18.

Wow, this is as bad as the Teapot Dome scandal! (Me, trying to discuss politics with friends)

Heathcliff > Garfield

Tell your grandma she left her chemise in my touring bus. She's got my number.

Sometimes I start talking and hope it ends well.

Trying different patterns of pushing and pulling to get monkey chow. To avail? To no avail.

I'm stuffed to the gills with fatted goose, figgy pudding, sugar plums, nog, and wassail. It's going to take weeks on the vibrating belt machine to undo the damage.

Now that it's December, you are allowed to play Christmas music, but only Christmas music I like. Alas for you, I only like one Christmas song. youtu.be/cQaJn11t94M?...

Be nice to Chuck. He is the last living veteran of the Honey War.

Wait till I tell you about inflammable

An hour ago: Half inch of sticky Thanksgiving tar at the bottom of the oven. C'mon self-cleaning feature, show me what you got. Now: Impressive! All the bedroom smoke alarms as well as the kitchen!

"Amazing! Your comment has 1 upvotes and 1 replies!" Nice to know that I am as popular on Reddit as I am on Bluesky

My favorite childhood toy was a plug socket. Perhaps that’s why I don’t recall much of my childhood.

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owner of this cookbook loved boiled pudding

One of my Grandmothers was born in Poland and lived in Detroit, the other was born in a log cabin in Kentucky and lived on an Illinois farm. They got along just fine and enjoyed each other's company. That's all.

In my teens and into my 20s I kept an internal narrative of my daily life, like I was the protagonist of a sitcom. Eventually this narration stopped, I guess the narcissism of youth does not survive adulthood. Or maybe the audience got bored and changed channels.

The phone smelled of hairspray and shaving cream, its numbers scratched off by millions of spins by press-on nails. A list of numbers tacked to the wall, the exotic ones had area codes, the dead were crossed off. If its cord could be untangled no one knew how far it would stretch.

Still pushing and pulling. Still no monkey chow.

The audible excitement from the other end of the building can only mean.... A DOG IS IN THE OFFICE!!!!

all books should have maps in them, no exceptions.

My grandma used to drink this tea when I was a little boy, so I associated it with ancient times, like horse-drawn carriages. Tried it recently. Pretty good. Kind of a proto-chai, or spiced Earl Grey. Or maybe I'm just approaching the age Babcia was when I knew her.

My grandma used to drink this tea when I was a little boy, so I associated it with ancient times, like horse-drawn carriages. Tried it recently. Pretty good. Kind of a proto-chai, or spiced Earl Grey. Or maybe I'm just approaching the age Babcia was when I knew her.

Can someone please explain to me how the economy works? I've been pushing all the buttons and pulling all the levers but no monkey chow comes out

Low budget male exotic dancer

Thinking about a new avi. "Assume the Wurst". An anthropomorphic sausage who make double entendres. Yes or no?

follow for more recipes

The trendiest of all venereal diseases is pickleball.

Just finished a shift at a high school football concession stand, where I served every age, race, gender, and economic class. We humans are united in our love of blue freeze pops and our inability to make change.

Appears smoking is one of the underlying health conditions that will allow you to get a covid vax under new CDC guidelines. I don't smoke, but I guess I'll start. Any cigarette brand recommendations?

lord I hope so.

Can't even build death star anymore, because of ewok

What do YOU think? Sound off in the comments!

I was pronouncing "lickety-split" as "liquidy-spit" to be funny. Turns out no one under 70 has ever heard the term lickety-split, so everyone thought I was just being strange

Person looking at my phone: uh you have 37 voicemails me: (touching their face tenderly) and they are all from Walgreens

I'm up to ABBA now. Hmmm.... they sang 'Xanadu' and roller skated a lot? Or am I thinking of that Andrew Lloyd Webber play? The Starburst Express? I know they won the Eurovision thing. I'll just leave it at that.