my boss: you’re fired me:

guy who flies the thin blue line flag because he really loves the smurfs

all I wanna do is bang screwworm

Louis C.K.'s Pootie Tang...just reflecting on that

Basically the con of being a Borrower (4" tall person with normal intelligence but proportionally smaller strength) is the cats eating you. The pro is when you steal pills you can get seriously fucked up for a long time.

watching robins splash around in my bird bath: god’s most cherubic creatures have smiled upon me with their gaiety watching robins take cherries from my cherry tree before they’ve ripened: a sickness runs rampant through this lawless world of ours

A24 horror movie called MALARKEY about a retired president who, after being cursed, must reckon with the violence of his past

the only given in our garden is that every summer squash that we did not plant suddenly appear

senate candidate: i love hanging with my hot gf guy with the handle DeepThinker88: g ay

does anyone have the "i fuck with Werther's heavy" tweet?

My America’s Got Talent spinoff, America’s Got Ass, will showcase some of the juiciest dumpers across the 50 states

Speed 3

whereas when the doctor draws your blood and dairy milk comes out? that's man mode, baby

they cropped out the photo of my boy Quench

all my apes gone...but not forgotten

Rihanna ft Larry David - Sex with me (is pretty pretty pretty good)

i had a vision that it'll be a backyard kambo ceremony at Dr. Oz's house that finally takes out RFK

me: you're gonna wanna keep an eye on the tellers because if they pull that alarm the bank is gonna be swarming with cops my buddy who got transformed from a mosquito into a man by a magic spell 24 hours ago: when is our next bloodmeal?

just sold my pilot script for a show called Jen A.I. It follows the life of a chatbot who gets transferred into the body of a deceased detective named Jennifer Aldridge Irving. Thank you Quibi!

and it's appearance in OBAA is a real treat

i am filing an injunction against the traitors canada

XAVIER: Stand down, Erik! We must avoid violence! MAGNETO: The violence began long before us, friend. Now choose which of your new recruits will feel the deadly power of MAGNETISM. NOTEPAD: Professor, I will save his remarks as an unformatted .txt file! XAVIER: (in Magneto's head) I choose Notepad.

That’s right. There are moments in Girl Talk albums that are like, the best music has ever made me feel

[fingering the beads of my WWTBOLD bracelet] what would the Bishop of Lwów do?

lee cronin: im gonna make a movie about bigfoot me: and the bigfoot will be a— lee cronin: —a demon me: naturally sir

Lee Cronin's Dracula will hinge upon the story of a family's destruction at the hands of a single hobgoblin

bill: [getting arrested] ted: hey whatever happened to dude process

hey they’re deskilling me later so I won’t be able to help you move this weekend

still buzzin about this one. Inde Navarrette's performance is just incredible.

Obsession absolutely rips. Had me cackling with unhinged glee and muttering “holy shit” on the drive home. Just completely buzzin

i hate to watch her go...but i love to watch her turn benches into men when she leaves

We asked 100 people what is a good name for a man

when i say "RIP salt bae" it is not the truth but neither is it a lie. it is provocation

spent the morning sending this trailer to everyone i know

ross barkan's expose on Jukt Micronics changed my life

i'm at the Rededicate 250 event hawking what I call The Concoction

ELON: christopher nolin is desocrating Homer the Odyssey just to qualify for woke oscars award.. only thing he care is industy clout CHRISTOPHER NOLAN (looking at a bunch of clocks he's modified so they're all going at different speeds): haha yes.... hell yeah...

a french fashion campaign with the slogan "je suis terroriste" came to me in a dream last night

checking my car's vin number to see that it's just Mark Sinclair Vincent

me: have you seen falling down? guy who always gets movies confused: the hitler movie?

this 100-year-old protest song will have you saying Bella WOW

had the same experience with Sorry, Baby, as it’s my burden to watch anything set in academia and be like “that’s not how academia works”

the people want The Entity

if i were trump i would deflect all gas price and inflation-based criticism by simply saying that we're putting up big numbers, perhaps bigger than anyone has ever seen

breaking the tension of our motivational speaker having a cardiac event on stage by standing up and shouting "now try THAT in a small town" to great applause

a mislabeled song was how I ended up putting ginuwine's "in those jeans" on a CD that I used to hype myself before swim meets in high school

Putting Irony Partition Failure here for posterity

now the prosecutor is bringing up my "i'm in my william tell era" tweet as evidence